Chapter III: ELIANA

Two months after.   

            My tears had kept falling in the middle of the night as I vividly recalled the incident I had encountered with Abdul. Shame and fear became my constant companions to the memory I had lost my innocence. I noticed I had missed my monthly period for months now. Mom and dad would really condemn me for what had happened. My hands were now trembling and my sobbing insisted to flow out from my mouth.

           “Eliana, are you crying,” my mom in the room must have heard my cry.

            “Nothing, Ma, I am just reading this book which made feel the tragic in the story,” I lied as not to make her know what the real tragic happened to their daughter.

            “Don’t be too melodramatic. You might become insane by reading too much,” her voice suddenly vanished.

            I dug my face in the pillow, and the silence scream of my soul made go insane. I did not know what to do. Should I tell my sister? Until when I should stop hiding this secret to my parents, they must know this.

            I stared at the glowing moon outside my window, so peaceful despite the lurking threat of those dark clouds, unleashing mystery like the way my experience had been with secrecy.

            2 A.M. my senses were still wide awake. Crickets whining and frogs croaking as the rain spilled incessant showers and pelted the ceiling which created a symphony of the noise of the weather.

            I turned on the light, and my eyes caught my school bag seating alone on top of the chair. I remembered we had assignment that should be turned in on Monday.

            My heart almost skipped as I realized that today was Monday. I should finish my homework otherwise I would not be allowed to get in the class. I hurriedly unzipped my bag, and rummaged the notebook with the instructions written on it.

            I slipped the pages, and my eyes landed on the directions. I started writing the term paper which we were tasked to do a reaction paper on the movie we watched “Taming of the Shrew” by Shakespeare. I sighed a moment and tried to recall what happened in the movie.

            A flash of lightning with a roar rumbling in the distant seemed to be taking pictures on me as I was doing my homework. Rain became a heavy downpour and trees outside could be heard creaking along the wild blow of the wind which caused the electric wiring post fall. Sh*t, I controlled my breath and the room suddenly shut down to darkness.

            What would I do? I could not finish my assignment. I tried not to move and the only light I could see was the dim lit shared by the thunder.

            My skin got colder and the clamor of the weather was untamed. What would I do? I needed to do something. I crawled in the dark as my hands reaching for the something I could touch with, until I was able to open our wooden door, and continued to search for the candle and the lighter hidden in the corner of the kitchen.

            I wondered how my parents and my sister Aileen slept well without bothering the humdrum of the furious night. I found myself in the kitchen at last.

            A crackling fire licked the dry string head of the candle, and the room was lit just enough light circling around where I was standing alone. I gingerly walked back to my room, cupping the candle as not to die out.

          “Eliana, you are still awake?” my father asked, his voice almost brought my hand to burn.

           “I could not sleep, and I almost forgot to make my assignment but unlucky brownout happens.” I said, holding this candle which brightens his sleeping eyes. 

           My dad stepped forward and reached his hand toward the corner of the ceiling, and he switched on the flashlight. “By the way, have you heard the brief electric explosion of transmission outside?” He asked, probing his inquisitive observation.

          I just shrugged my shoulder. I did not notice if there was, and my dad just left and started to put up the yellowed umbrella, and he went outside to check if there was voltage outrage ten meters away from us.

          The weather calmed down, and the rain subsided. I took a glimpse to where my dad was, following my sight to him while he was checking the area. As I went back, my room was dim with the candle I placed on the table near my bed. I started writing and finalizing the reaction paper I needed to submit before our first period began.

          My eyes blurred, and I inhaled a restful sigh after had been doing my assignment for almost two hours which the candle finally gave up and so was my body.

          Cock-a-doodle-do! The rooster near our neighbor crowed incessantly, making morning noises which invited other roosters to crow as well. I squinted as the rays of the sun passed through hole of the wooded wall, stretching my arms wide. I gaped as I looked at the clock.

6.45 A.M.

            I threw myself in the bamboo-made bathroom, carrying a pail of water moving in turbulence. I took the dipper and scooped water and showered myself hurriedly.

           “Eliana!” my 10-year-old sister Aileen was already in school uniform “I have to leave you and I did not like to be late again like you and Mama mentioned that you won’t forget to lock the house just the way you forgot last time.”  

            She left me again. My mom left early in the morning to sell vegetables in the market. Dad went out for rooster gambling. Even they left me alone, breakfast and our lunch boxes were already prepared.

            Having worn my uniform, though my hair was unkempt, I took a light breakfast and checked my 100-peso daily allowance on top of the television. Of course, I did not want to be scolded so I pulled down the power plug and locked the door of our house.

            I was waiting for the jeepneys going to school, and gestured one to stop by, but none of the public utility vehicles fetched me. Beads of sweat dripped all over my face as I kept looking at my watch for I would be late and could not make it for the Monday flag ceremony.

            I took a deep sigh and waited.

            “Habal?” a commercial motorbike driver asked, smiling as he noticed I was in a hurry.

            I had no choice but rode his motor going to our school, Abellana National High School. He handed me his helmet without looking at him.

           I paid him thirty pesos, and hurriedly got off. Hurriedly pacing my steps going to the school gate, the motor driver called me, “Miss, my helmet?” 

          “Ayyy! Sorry, I forgot,” I unbuckled the chin strap, and apologized.

           I left him, and proceeded to the guard who carefully checked our school complete uniforms.

          I wasn’t able to catch up the flag ceremony but I was able to get in our room without being caught late.

          Everyone rose as our first period teacher in English entered our room. We greeted her in unison.

          She started to check our attendance.

          “As I call your names, make sure you will be raising your hand along with your homework. Then pass them forward. Understood?” Miss Alicia, our fifty-year English spinster who had never found her love of her life.

        I checked my bag. Another nightmare crept over my body as my assignment left at home.

        Miss Alicia was already calling the males alphabetically, and my classmates forwarded their assignments to the table of our teacher.

       I would be asked to get out from the class. My heart pounded, beating so fast for I would be called soon. I did not want to be placed in hot water again.

       “Saga?”

       “Present, Ma’am,” Florence raised her hand and submitted her paper to Miss Alicia.

       Oh no. I will be next to be called.

       “Salvador?” her voice resonated fear which landed on my ears. “Salvador?” she repeatedly called my name.

      “ Ma’am?”

       “Have you not heard your name has been called several times?” she motioned her eyeglasses down and stared at me like a lion scrutinizing its prey around.

      “Where’s your assignment?”

       “Ma’am?” I swallowed tons of saliva down to my throat every time she sounded that way.

       The room was filled with deep silence as everyone lowered their heads for they knew how Miss Alicia got furious if she knew one of us did not submit his/her output as she demanded.

        “Excuse, Salvador.” I heard Miguel, my admirer. “Is that your assignment paper under your chair?”

        I looked down and bent down to pick up it.

        Wait. This is not mine. Why is it my name printed on it? My mind wondered.

       “Miss Salvador?” Miss Alicia broke the silence with her phlegmatic stare.

        My nod made her affirm that was mine. I stood back and went on her way to the table. I did not know who made my assignment where in fact I had left it at home.

        After the two-period soporific classes which made me hear the voice of our teachers like old creaking ceiling fan tirelessly moving in circular motions, I felt tired and wanted to go to the bathroom time to time.

        My sight landed on the distance where Miguel was sitting alone under the Acasia tree, I wanted to ask him if he was the one who made my homework. Courage took me closer to him as the winds whirled among the dried leaves between us. Miguel was reading something. Perhaps he was reading in advance for our chemistry class recitation later at ten thirty.

         I stood before him.

         “Hi, Miguel,” I smiled. “I just wanted to…”

         “Not a problem at all. To be honest, I assumed that you forget your assignment and I thought I would be writing another one and I printed one for you,” Miguel said, carefully closing the pocket blue Gideon book.

        “You did have to do that, I mean, I preferred to be scolded than to lie at all.”

        He moved a little space where I could sit.

       “Why don’t sit here?” he asked.

       I sat beside. I could smell the fragrance he put on, bringing me closer to his soul. I admired Miguel not just because he came from a religious family but because of his kindness, his smile, his eyes so gentle, and his wonderful character.

      “Are you okay, Eliana?” he giggled.

      “Yes, I am fine. I just want to thank you,” I smiled with the joy of seeing him again.

        He extended his hand, giving me his extra refreshments. I refused but he was insisting. I accepted and ate it immediately.

       “So, you’re ready for the recitation later to Miss Sodium Chloride?” he was referring to our Chemistry teacher.

       I nodded, “Of course.” However, deep inside, I was not because of the electric interruption this morning.

       He showed me his lecture note and started to explain some concepts. He was not that typical male heartthrob in the campus but his intelligence and the way he projected his ideas was awesome. 

       Then, there was sadness appeared on his eyes. He looked at me, gaining strength.

      “Eliana, my parents had told me that I would be transferred to pastoral school where I would be finishing theology course.”

      I was taken aback. “You mean you will leave us?” I asked.

      “That’s the decision of my parents and they are the ones who supported me and whatever their decisions are, I will obey. Honestly, I wanted to stay.”

     “Just tell them to finish your high school here since we’re third year now.”

      “I already have told them that but their decisions are theirs alone.” He sighed in deep manner.

      Loneliness made my heart feel sorrow that I would be missing a person who had been so close to me like a gem so rare and so precious to lose. 

      I felt something wrong in my breathing. I immediately covered my mouth and puked out from the right. It was not that messy but I maintained the grace. My surroundings got blurred.

      “Eliana, are you okay?” Miguel’s voice faded and inly I could feel and hear were noises around, and everything went dark.

       I found myself inside our school clinic and the school nurse approached me. Pain ached a bit on my head.

     “Eliana, you fainted and Miguel brought you here. I already checked your high blood pressure, but it was normal. You appeared tired. We already called your parents to pick you up. For now, you just need to take your rest.”

     “What about my class?” I asked.

     “Don’t worry. I already talked to your adviser who had informed your subject teachers to excuse you from the classes.”

     I sighed.  I thought of Miguel—his decision to transfer to another school.

     My dad brought me and my mom was still in the market for she would be coming around quarter to five in the afternoon.

      I was now alone in my room, seeing my notebook left under the chair. I still felt tired and craved food. My mood became my constant battle now.

     As the evening came, we sat together in the family table.

    “Eliana,” mother echoed the room. I stared at her. My heart beat fast. My mind started to lose energy to process what she would tell me as my name blurted clearly from her mouth.

      “Is there something we should know?” she asked like a millionaire dollar question.

       I lowered my gaze and focused on the meal.

       “Eliana,” father interrupted,” we have noticed since then you were not in the mood always as if you were listless and you acted unusual.”

     “What’s wrong with you, Ate?” my sister asked.

     Silence reigned the night, deeper down my mind. They looked at me as if I were a criminal in their sights. That was what I felt. They should not know. Never would they know.

     A loud pound rippled the night.

      “Eliana!” my mother’s voice resonated in anger.

     I did not move. My lips were shaking and eyes, trickling tears down my cheeks.

     “Nothing,” my hands trembled as put down the cutlery down.

      “Nothing!” my heart skipped fast as I heard my mother shout at me. “ That is the only word I have from Elianna, nothing. Something went wrong with you.

   “Can we just finish our meal?” my father asked, looking at my mother.

    My mom took a deep sigh. “I noticed that your napkins are complete untouched inside your room and I wondered why you are not using them.” My mom probed leading me to tremble more.

    “Tomorrow, we will meet Doctor Farrah and let her check you,” she demanded.

    The pitch of my mom carried so much doubt and confusion as she voiced out her anger to me.

     I went back to my room, curling up in the dark corner where the brilliance of the night shone sparks on the surface of my tears rolling down endlessly. I did not what to do, and my parents should not know about this. It was all my faults. If only I did not let Abdul come over, I would not endure this pain. I knew there’s new life hidden inside me. I did not know what to do. Perhaps, I would find ways to end this, or shame will end me if they discovered what I did. I sobbed in the most cathartic way which I won’t forget in my entire life.

     I fell off and started to fall under the pit of my guilt and fear.

    “Eliana,” my dad tapped me on my shoulder. “Why did you sleep here? Stand up and go back to bed.”

I threw myself to my dad’s broad shoulder and cried like her little baby. Even I was already at my age, I still longed for Dad’s presence that became my solace to my soul.

     “Just tell me what made you feel sad and sick these recent days,” his calm voice travelled smoothly through my ears.

     “Dad,” I hugged him tightly and pressed my nose to his shoulder, “I did not know why and I am afraid.”

     “Afraid to whom?” he stared at me.

     “To you and to mom,”

     “What for?” he carried me to my bed.

      He sat beside me on my bed. He smiled and listened to me with the possibility to know why I behaved this way.

     “Eliana, whatever that is, I just want you to know that your mom and I with your sister, your family is here for you and we are here to help you.”

     Tears rolled down my cheeks, and dad reached his hand and held my cheeks, wiping my watered eyes.

    “Are you bothered? Or someone had bullied you at school?” Dad inquired.

    I wanted to tell to Dad everything but fear held me back. What I did was cry over my dad.

     He tapped my back and felt from his touch that made me understand what he had said that they would be here for me no matter what. He left the room, knowing I already slept. I hope that they would understand. They would help me find him and pay his wrong doings. He would be sent to hell.

     I was absent today from classes. We arrived at Dr. Farrah’s clinic. I was silent most of the time. My mom was still upset and my heart was not at ease. This feeling made me stop breathing.

     “Your daughter is pregnant,” four words interwoven together in the sentence uttered by Dr. Farrah made my mother slap me four times and cause the whole world fall under her feet.

     Dr. Farrah held my mother from hurting me.

     “You are such a liar!” another four words emerged from my mother’s mouth made me sob even more. Her eyes were flaring anger and her voice, erupting volcano, throwing curses to me.

      “That would not be good for the baby to stress your daughter, Mrs. Salvador,” Dr. Farrah intervened.

      “Eliana, who that shitty man impregnating you?!” her anger did not stop her to hate me.

      I sobbed. I hid myself under my arms.

      “Who that guy made you pregnant, Eliana?” My mom asked me, almost losing her patience to me.

     “I was raped, Mom.” My four words made my mother fall from the ground.

      I looked at Dr. Farrah. She gave us a piece of advice to seek for legal actions about this incidence.

     My mother stormed out from the clinic, leaving me like an abandoned child. Dr. Farrah gave me a motherly hug and comforted me dearly.

     “What would I do, Dr. Farrah?” with my eyes reddened by despair,” I would rather suffer than to see my mother suffer for me.

     “Eliana,” Dr. Farrah looked at me the way Dad did, “the child in your womb is innocent and a blessing despite your awful encounter with the rapist.”

     She continued. “Seek justice and find him.”

    I nodded, and heaved strength from my core.

    I went home. Police were already there, interrogating what happened. I gave the details which led them to find him—Abdul who was a market vendor but he was nowhere to be found. I did not know his full name but the description, the sketch of his countenance was illustrated. The police could not identify where the rapist was for there were a lot of people who had the same name like him.

    I found no hope to find. No hope how my mom would ever forgive me. She was could not believe that it happened this to me. I did not what to do except this life peacefully growing in me.

   He would pay what he did to me, but I needed to take good care this unborn baby in me. Lord, help me to find comfort in the midst of this distress and make me recover from this pain and bring forgiveness to my parents’ hearts, I sighed and took my rest to bed.

    I woke up and prepared myself to go to school. Despite my condition, I kept it hidden in the eyes of the society. I had missed so many activities and I asked my teachers what I needed to do to pass their subjects. Some were inconsiderate and I cursed them; other teachers gave me to finish the performance tasks.

     One thing I had missed was the presence of Miguel, which later I heard that he already transferred to other school. Sorrow met me under the Acasia tree, causing me to long for his presence, his laughter, his sweet caring voice, his sharing about what the recitation would be for our next class, his friendship I had treasured a lot. He went to Bible school for his parents wanted him to minister a religious congregation. I hope I should have told Miguel about what happened to me, but I preferred to keep hidden for I was afraid to lose him.

     It had been four months, and my tummy had formed in progress. I attended regularly the schedules set by the clinic of Dr. Farrah and she was glad that I made my baby grow in conditions. I would love my baby the way I had loved Miguel.

      “Eliana, we already talked to your adviser and to the school principal that we would transfer you to Zamboanga City to continue your high school,” my mother talked to while I was having my breakfast.

      I did not say anything but obey what my mom had decided. My parents’ decision was an excuse not to put them in shame about me in school and even here in our place.

      Just I was cleared from school, and bid farewell to my gynecologist who still gave me the prescriptions and advice to my pregnancy development.

      My mom and I ferried a ship bound for Zamboanga City. I felt dizzy like a pendulum swinging us back and forth in the middle of the ocean. My mother comforted and assisted me which her actions made feel loved and forgiven even though she did not say it to me---I felt it anyway.

      My eyes ran through the passengers around who were having their restful night, some were still awake.  I saw my mom holding a rosary and she uttered prayers in silence. It took minutes for her to finish the rosary. Her eyes closed, her fingers pressed the beads and her voice softly whispered protection and guidance to us.

       After she prayed, I had told her that I wanted to take a pee. She assisted me going to the bathroom. I preferred to go on my own.

       This was my first time ferrying a ship and the presence of the wide ocean was mysterious and deep.  I heard the roaring waves encountering the heavy rain which caused the floor of the ship tremble but I still managed to stand by holding the wall.

      I stepped into the bathroom and locked. After having my wash, a clap of thunder met my ears which made me lose my balance as I walked out. My foot slipped over the wet floor and I saw the water mixed with the blood flowing down my legs. Thick and sticky blood felt from my hands as I saw the lifeless fetus between my legs.

            Tiny well-defined fingers and toes; eyelids, eyebrows, eyelashes, nails, and hair were closer to my sight---my baby!

            The movement of the ocean waves was untamed as I was moving back and forth inside the bathroom, and I kept shouting till it formed a scream unheard for the thunder and lightning in rhythm with my loss of my unborn child.

            Having brought me to the clinic headquarters, I just lost my consciousness.