CHAPTER 156: Twenty Three Weeks

POV: Selene Castellano

"Everything's perfect. Measuring exactly right. Strong heartbeat, good position," Dr. Ruth said.

"She's got her own opinions on positions," Selene said.

"All babies do. Get used to it," Dr. Ruth said.

"Is that medical advice?" Avalon asked.

"That's parenting advice, free of charge," Dr. Ruth said.

They sat in the car for a while. This had become their routine post-appointments. "She said 'perfect.' I just keep expecting something to go wrong," Selene said. "I walk in braced for bad news every time."

"And she says 'perfect' every time," Avalon said.

"And I remain braced for the next visit."

"I know," Avalon said. "Me too."

She glanced at him. "You don't look braced."

"I'm internally braced. I've just learned to control the outward presentation," he said.

"That's your whole thing of management again."

"In this context, it's helpful. You don't need to witness me in a state of anxiety. You have enough of that yourself," Avalon said.

"I don't need you to manage your feelings for me."

"I'm not managing them; I'm 'sequencing them'," he said.

"Sequencing them?"

"Meaning I experience them privately and then decide which ones are useful to communicate. The pre-appointment anxiety isn't useful, so it stays internal. The post-appointment relief is, so I express that."

She stared at him. "That is quite possibly the most Avalon thing you have ever said."

"Is it bad?" Avalon asked.

"It's not bad. It's just intensely you."

"Is that bad?"

"No," she said. "It's just very, very you." She put the car in drive. "Sequencing feelings."

"You're going to use that against me, aren't you?" Avalon said.

"Absolutely."

Maya and Kofi came for dinner on Saturday. Kofi had finished the first stage of the Oakland arts center, and he radiated the satisfaction of a person who has completed something monumental and is now in the void before the next thing. "It’s an odd feeling," Kofi said. "You throw your entire being into something and when it’s done, you just stand there in the void."

"And how do you fill that?" Avalon asked.

"You start the next thing," Kofi said. "But not right away. You sit in the void first. Then you know what you’ve created."

"What did you create?" Selene asked.

"A space where a fourteen-year-old in Oakland can walk into a room and know someone was thinking about them," Kofi said. "That’s what I created."

Maya was watching him, her brow furrowed slightly. "What?" Kofi asked.

"Nothing," Maya said. "You just... You say things sometimes."

"Is that bad?" Kofi asked.

"No," Maya said. "It's very you."

Selene looked at Avalon, who looked back at her. They both silently recognized the "very you" comment and what it meant.

After dinner, Maya helped Selene clean up in the kitchen while Avalon and Kofi sat at the dining table, their mutual respect having blossomed into a comfortable rapport that surprised neither of them. "Are you scared?" Maya asked quietly.

"Scared of what in particular?" Selene asked.

"Everything," Maya said. "The birth, being a mother."

"Yes," Selene said, the words heavy but honest. "Every day."

"You don’t seem scared."

"I seem capable. There’s a difference," Selene said. Maya handed her a drying towel.

"I'm going to be her aunt. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what that means," Maya said.

"And?"

"And I'm going to take it very seriously. I want to be the person she calls when she can't call you."

Selene looked at her sister. "You already are. That's who you are already."

Maya nodded, a faint smile on her face.

At 10 pm, Maya and Kofi left. Avalon and Selene stood at the door, watching them walk down the hall, Maya’s voice bright with a story that made Kofi laugh, his arm around her. "They're good people," Selene said.

"They are," Avalon agreed.

"We're good people, too," she said.

"We are," he repeated.

She turned and went inside. Avalon followed. "Sequencing feelings," she said, her back to him as she walked down the hallway toward the bedroom.

"Stop," he said.

"I'm just making an observation."

"You're enjoying this."

"Very much so," she said. He walked down the hallway after her.

"It's a legitimate emotional management strategy," Avalon said.

"It is absolutely that," she said. "It's very you."

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"Probably not. No."