CHAPTER 7: WHAT WERE WE?

There was a time when I thought Aaron hung the damn stars in the sky. I thought no one else had a voice like his–low, slow, daring. I had felt like no other fingers could map a body the way his did, like he’d studied mine in the dark and memorized every nook and cranny, every soft gasp, every spot that made me tremble.

I used to wake up thinking of him.

I used to fall asleep still tasting him on my lips.

Sometimes I still do. But now, he’s not here and all I have are the countless painful memories.

 Right now, I’m in class. Mr. Eden is droning on about colonial trade routes but the chalk keeps squealing and my thoughts are far from the blackboard. They’re in the past, tugged back to Aaron’s dorm room the night before his major exams. The fan had been busted and the room was thick with heat, sweat sticking our skins together as if the air wanted to hold us there forever.

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“You came,” he had whispered when I knocked once and slipped in, even though we’d both agreed not to do this again.

“I’ll always come for you,” I’d whispered, already backing him towards the bed.

He didn’t resist. He never did. Not with me.

His lips crashed into mine, desperate like the world was about to end and clinging to me was his chance for salvation. His fingers fumbled with my buttons, my belt, my sanity. I felt him everywhere–on my skin, in my chest, under my ribs.

“You’re obsessed,” he laughed breathlessly when I pushed him down.

“With you? Yes. Absolutely. Hopelessly.”

“I should push you away.”

“Then why don’t you?”

He didn’t answer. He just reached up and pulled me down to him again.

We made love slowly at first, like we were afraid to wake the walls but like always, it ended up rougher than it began–me biting his neck, his fingers digging into my back, both of us forgetting what caution felt like.

He said my name over and over again that night until it wasn’t even a name anymore–just a sound between a moan and a prayer.

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 I blink hard, returning to the classroom just as the bell rings. The others are packing up, heading to lunch. I stay seated a little longer. I need to catch my breath. The memory feels too close. Too real. My palms are sweating. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to remember because remembering means feeling everything all over again.

And that includes the part where it all started to fall apart.

It was a few weeks before Aaron left for good. We were sitting behind the music room–our new hideout after the chapel started getting locked down at night. We hadn’t touched each other yet. He was fiddling with the hem of his shirt, quiet in a way that made my stomach twist.

“You’ve been distant,” I said.

He looked up at me and smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just busy.”

“No. Not just busy. You’ve been avoiding me. You skipped last Friday. Didn’t leave a note in the hall. You haven’t even touched me in days Aaron.”

He ran a hand through his hair and glanced around. “Someone saw us, Cole.”

My breath hitched. “Who?”

“I don’t know. Just…someone passed by the music room that night. I heard them. I think it was a junior.”

“You think?” I sat up straighter. “That’s why you’re acting weird? You think someone might have seen us?”

“I’m being careful.”

“You’re pushing me away.”

“I’m trying to protect you!”

His voice rose and he immediately winced. A crow cawed in the distance. My heart beat too fast.

“Come to me Aaron.” I said as I beckoned him into my open arms.

I saw him hesitate and without missing a beat, I made my way in his direction.

“Cole…Please.”

I pulled him into my arms, shutting him up with a firm kiss on the lips like I was trying to comfort us both. My hands found purchase in the small of his back as I ground myself into him, forcing him to acknowledge what just touching him alone did to me. Gathering his shirt in my fist, I yanked it over his head revealing the smooth, broad length of skin that lay beneath it. Tossing the shirt somewhere across the room, I made my way to one of my favorite parts of his body. One swirl of my tongue and he would be putty in my hands.

“Cole, we can’t keep doing this.”

I heard his tears before I saw them. Two pools glistened in his eyes. Guilt shot through me like daggers as I tried to understand what could possibly be wrong with the boy who held my heart in his palms.

“I don’t need Protection from you Aaron,” I said softly. “I need you to stop treating me like a mistake.”

Aaron looked down at his hands and for the first time since our conversation started, I realized how badly they were shaking.

“I love you,” I said

He flinched.

And that was the first time he didn’t say it back.

After that, everything shifted. We still met sometimes but something in him had shut me out. He’d kiss me but his eyes would drift past mine. He touched me like he was counting down the seconds until he had to stop. He stopped calling me “Baby” and started saying my name like it hurt.

I had asked once what had changed between us. He said nothing. The next time I asked, I got no reply.

The night before he left for good, he kissed me like a stranger. Brief and final before telling me he would be away for a long time and I would be better off forgetting him, then he walked away.

It’s been 2 months since then.

No letters.

No visits.

No Aaron.

I checked behind the old chapel every day for a month even though I knew with each passing day that there’d never be one. I still dream about him sometimes. In some, he’s back with me. In others he never leaves. But when I wake up, it’s just me.

The only thing that lingers is the way his name still tastes like fire when I say it.

Pushing away from my desk, I head towards to the cafeteria even though my mind is far from food. Finding an empty table to sit, I put my stuff down and get lost in my head again. I don’t talk to anyone. I barely breathe.

I don’t dream about Aaron anymore. I just…ache.

I stand up and grab my tray, ready to dump it and leave but then something catches my eye just outside my vision. I freeze.

A silhouette at the far end of the hall. Broad shoulders. The slope of his neck. That walk.

It can’t be.

But it is.

“Aaron?”

I whisper it before I even realize I’ve moved.

He turns down a hallway, out of sight.

I ditch the tray. My heart in my throat. I run, my shoes skid against the tiled floor but I don’t stop. I follow him through the science block, past the lockers and into a side corridor barely used during the day.

He’s standing there.

He turns to face me and for a second I forget how to breathe. Its him. Aaron. But his eyes, they’re blank. Empty. Lifeless. Like the soul behind them has been wiped clean.

“Aaron?” I step closer, voice trembling. “It’s me. It’s Cole.”

He blinks slowly.

No recognition.

Nothing.

“I–I don’t…” His voice is flat; like he’s reading from a script. “Sorry. You’ve…got the wrong person.”

“What–? No. No, don’t do this.” My heart thunders. “Is this a joke? Cause it’s not funny.”

He takes a step back. Flinches. “Please stop. I–I have to go.”

He turns and walks away while I stand there frozen and in shock. My heart is begging me to run after him. So I do. I chase him down a corridor, my breath loud against my ear. A silent plea in my throat. He slips around a corner and I lose him. I check every classroom, storeroom, even the janitors closet. Nothing. No movement. No sound. It’s like he was never here but I know what I saw.

My legs give way and I slide to the floor burying my head in my hands. Was it really him? Could it be that I’ve finally lost it?

I don’t know how long I sit there spiraling. Minutes. Maybe an hour.

One thing is clear; If that was Aaron, something’s happened to him. Something bad. And I’m going to find out what.

The boy I loved–he’s still in there. Somewhere. I don’t know what it’ll take to bring him back but I’m ready to do anything.