Death By Dorito

If you’re like me, there’s nothing else you love more than ignoring all your adult responsibilities and reading trashy werewolf romances, like this one, “Torn Between Two Alphas: A Werewolf Romance Tragedy”. That’s why I almost missed the red “Join Call” button when it blinked at me, because I was too busy watching the Alpha on page thirty-three slam his hand into a tree and declare You’re mine.

I barked out a laugh mid-chew and nearly lost a Dorito crumb up my nose, trying not to die of cringe as I swiped to the next page on my screen.

The laptop chimed, and Lila’s face filled half the screen, “Seriously? You’re reading another one, aren’t you?"

My sister Dani’s box popped up right after. I could see she had a textbook open in front of her like some academic saint, trust Dani to shame me with her productivity.

“Don’t start,” I said, holding up the screen. “I’m telling you guys, this is educational! It’s research!”

“Educational my ass,” Dani muttered. “Jesus Christ, Iris. You’ve got an econ paper due in..."

“Shh,” I waved her off. “This is very important work I'm doing here, everyone needs to learn the delicate complexities of werewolf mating rituals.”

“...6 hours! HAVE YOU STUDIED ANYTHING AT ALL?!” Dani hurriedly swiped through my schedule, she had a better understanding of how that thing worked if I was being honest, and she wasn’t even in my faculty.

Lila grinned. “Okay, I’ll bite. What’s this one’s hook? Is it different than the one you were reading yesterday, and then the day before that? Or all the ones you've been reading since... I don't know... 7th grade?”

I immediately shot upright with glee, grinning with all my teeth out, I always relished the opportunity to introduce new victims to my cherished collection of smutty werewolf e-novels. “Okay, Get this! I found one of those novel apps last week, so I thought, why not read one of the books they recommend. Since I’m an alpha expert or lycan enthusiast if you will, and I can smell the cringe from a mile away.”

I paused to take a breath, “Then I found this book, by a new mysterious author on the block, I think their pen name is 'Author 456', and it’s honestly so much like the rest of them, but there're so many plot twists that I can’t look away!"

Pause, another breath, "Big bad alpha meets wilted flower type girl, he sniffs her scent or whatever and instantly announces she’s his mate, I bet he says something like,” in my best manly voice I continued, “Come forth, mate! You smell like destiny.”

Lila snorted, stifling a laugh “ Why are they always sniffing? That’s so gross.”

“That’s what werewolves do! Get with the program! Anyway, what he doesn’t know is that she’s already got a childhood bestie alpha sweetheart who is secretly in love with her! And there’s some kind of uprising and love triangle. There’s already been four separate shirt removal scenes so far, and I’m only at chapter six!”

"Wow. Not even half way through huh?" Lila snickered, looking up Author 456 on her shared screen, frowning a bit when she couldn't find any information on them.

Dani rolled her eyes and dramatically face palmed before falling flat on the bed in second hand shame. “This is why you’re failing out of college. Wait till I call mom and dad and tell them…”

“Hey! At least I’m still in college,” I said, biting into another chip.

“Barely.” said Lila, giggling into her hands.

“How dare you judge me. This is how I unwind, y’know? Some people do yoga, other people take long relaxing baths, but I read badly written supernatural smut, I have priorities!”

“You’ve been prioritizing that sort of crap for the last three semesters. You know they’ll kick you out if you fail one more class right? Damn it, Iris, pull yourself together.” said Dani, rolling her eyes.

Lila cackled. “One day, the Moon Goddess is going to smite you for this.”

“Don’t encourage her!” said Dani.

“Please. She’d thank me for my service. It’s not easy having to read so many books at a time you know? It’s only been a week since I joined this app and I already have 3 author besties, we talk in their comments section all the time!” I stated, feeling highly impressed with myself.

I turned another page. Now the Alpha was crowding the heroine against the tree, saying in a low voice, yep, You smell like destiny.

“This is it, guys” I said, pointing at the line, laughing my head off. “Peak literature!"

That's when the chip I was chewing decided it was my time to go, and it slid halfway down the wrong pipe and lodged itself in there like a ninja star. I coughed violently and gasped, doing my best to swallow, but that didn’t work, my airway locked and I only choked harder.

The phone slipped out of my hands and clattered to the floor, the screen cracking as it hit the ground.

“What’s going on Iris? Are you okay?!” Lila’s voice rose in panic as she asked, I could hear a rushed rustling from the phone speakers, like she was getting up to get dressed and find me.

“Hold on, I’ll be right there!”

Meanwhile Dani was already halfway out of her chair going, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”

My vision blurred, my lungs screamed and all I could hear them was the sound of them yelling my name, except it sounded like they were underwater.

And then, nothing. I no longer felt the blinding pain in my throat, and there was no light or dark. I felt like I was floating on air, completely free and weightless.

“You have been chosen.”

The deep voice came from everywhere and nowhere, so loud I had to cover my ears.

“What the hell?” I thought, because my mouth wasn’t working.

“To finish the story.”

“Wait, one second I was choking, and now… Did I die? Is this some kind of Dorito-related afterlife?”

Before I could get an answer, the nothingness ripped away and the world snapped into place around me as freezing cold air hit my skin. My bare feet sank into wet moss as I staggered unsteadily, looking around and feeling dizzy and disoriented, almost like I wanted to throw up.

Tall, trees loomed overhead, lit up by a moon too big and bright for words. Mist curled in the air and my heart slammed against my ribs because I recognized this forest, obviously not from real life, I lived in an urban city, but I was sure of it…

This was the forest. That forest. The one from the damn book.

“Okay,” I said aloud, my breath steaming. “No. No, no, no. How the hell did I get here? What about my sister? My assignments? What's going to happen to my prized collection of werewolf romance paperbacks that I never returned to the library?”

A shape moved between the trees, and then he stepped out. Alpha Kieran. All six-foot-whatever of him with dark hair falling smoldering but suspicious dark eyes, his shirt half-unbuttoned to expose him in all his 8 pack and sexy v-line glory, just like the author described. Someone pinch me, I’m dreaming. Also who let Alpha daddy out of the Calvin Klein ads?

I rubbed my eyes with the back of one hand, then blinked rapidly. Nope, he was still there. The man I’d been happily mocking five minutes ago was now standing in front of me, real and solid. This wasn't a dream.

“You came back,” he said, as his gaze locked on me.

“I… yeah? Sure?” My voice went embarrassingly high as my brain short-circuited, trying and failing to come to terms with what the hell was happening.

He stepped closer. “Your scent… it’s different.”

“That’s because I'm not...” Nope. I wasn't about to explain interdimensional Dorito homicide to a fictional man. Surely saying something like I’m not the girl you think I am, I’m actually a sarcastic college dropout candidate from another universe, probably wouldn’t help my odds of survival, right?

Branches cracked behind me and yet another figure emerged, moving quickly.

The first love, beautiful boy scout Rowan with his Prince Charming blonde hair, blue eyes, and impressively sharp jawline. Wow, they really weren't lying they wrote that it could probably cut through stone. I could immediately tell that he was the endearing best friend character from the book, the other half of the “Which man will she choose?” conundrum.

“She’s with me,” Rowan said, coming to stand at my side

“She is my mate,” Kieran growled. Ah, the famous werewolf growl, hearing it in real life was definitely a new experience.

“Not anymore.” Rowan’s said in an icy voice, his eyes trained on his rival,

“Oh my God,” I muttered. “This is the scene. This is that scene.” Rowan looked away from him for a bit to look at me instead, with a serious Are you okay look on his face.

I definitely wasn’t. In the book, the delicate heroine fainted right here, leaving both men to fight over who got to take her home with him. Now I wasn’t delicate, and I sure as hell wasn’t fainting, but I also didn’t feel like getting caught up in the middle of any kind of supernatural cage fight.

“I don’t belong to either of you,” I blurted.

They both froze, probably because that wasn’t in the script.

Kieran’s eyes narrowed, and Rowan’s jaw twitched as the air went very still with anticipation. You didn’t have to be a werewolf to tell something bad was about to happen.

Then, from somewhere deep in the trees, a howl rolled through the forest.

Rowan stiffened. “That’s not one of ours.”

Kieran’s head turned toward the sound. “Run.”