Chapter Two: Fake Smiles

The next morning was the same as most, I retrieved my now clean work clothes from the dryer, whilst my father sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands due to his nauseating headache from his long day of drinking yesterday. The stench of drink still littered his clothes as he hadn’t changed, the little items of sick that he heaved out yesterday still on those clothes only adding to the smell.

I refuse to utter a single word to my father as I pass him in the kitchen and make my way to my bedroom, it was because of him and his drinking problems that I had to take extra shifts at work in order to keep the roof over our heads and other bills payed. This would be a day for me to relax, instead, I have to drag myself to work where I spend most of my time anyway.

Whilst fixing my hair in the mirror to make sure no stray hairs stuck up, I take a glance at my eyes and couldn’t help but see the deep black bags which hang under them indicating how tired I truly was. This only told me how physically exhausted I was, I wonder what I would look like if people saw how mentally, tried I was. My father had been like this for quite a few years now, but it’s been over these past couple of months he’s gotten worse. Before, he would still get blackout drunk but not every single day, at least once a week he was back to his normal ways smiling at me, but now he’s sunken into this deep depression and to stop this, he drinks away his feelings until he can’t feel anymore.

With a sigh, I reach over and begin to apply some light makeup in hopes of concealing the troubles of my home-life, I can’t allow the mask to slip and for people to realise what happens behind closed doors, who knows what kind of rumours would begin to fly if that happened.

Once I had fixed my eyes, I look back in the mirror at my long face, as like my father, I don’t believe I have smiled a genuine smile in so long. But understanding that I had a job to do, I take a deep breath in and plaster that same fake smile I have for so long, it’s time to wear the mask.

Taking my bag in my hands and leaving my bedroom, I found my father still in the same position with his head now on the table. But once he heard movement, he lifts his head up where he looked even worse than I did. Due to all of the drinking, it was as though he had aged ten years and looked beyond dishevelled. The light which once shone so brightly in his eyes was gone, he was a shell of the man he used to be, that fact upsetting me each time he and I lock eyes.

“You off to work?” He asks his voice a deep grumble but even that, filled with nothing but deep-rooted pain from all he has endured.

I simply nod my head walking over to pick up my coat from the door, I refuse to have a day like yesterday with the rainstorm I was caught in the middle of. My father seems to watch my every move as I slip my coat on and reach down to grab my purse, which his eyes gravitate too immediately.

“You know I hate asking hunny, but I need money, I don’t get paid until next week and need to grab a couple things.” He says lifting his hands up which were shaking uncontrollably, but I sigh a little knowing what he meant by a couple of things, even more drink to kill himself.

“As I told you last night, I don’t have any cash on me at the minute, I’ve only just gotten paid and haven’t had the chance to go to the cash point yet. I’ll stop off at my break and drop you some down.” I say looking down at the ground as I went, I knew I was feeding his habit by giving him the money to get more but I didn’t have any other choice, the way my father gets when he’s told no and the ache in my heart when I think of what he’s done for me, I can’t help but hand it over.

“Anyway, I better go before I’m late.” Is all I say dismissing the conversation before walking over to the front door, but as I take the handle in my hands, a grumble of a voice soon comes from the kitchen behind me.

“You know I love you Coraline.” He says where I have to freeze for a moment with tears pricking my eyes, I knew what he was doing and it sucked that I always fall for his trap, but I shake my head a little.

Without a word, I fully open the door and leave the apartment which holds nothing but sadness, I can’t allow myself to live this way anymore. That’s all I thought about as I make my way briskly down the road to work, the last sentence he said to me swirling around my head like a broken record player.

Growing up, he would always tell me how much he loved me when he would drop me off to school or at my grandmothers each morning. He would tell me how when he was able to get enough money, he was going to take me somewhere magical like I deserved. But that day never came, and his promises and affection soon stopped, leading me to this moment, walking the streets unknown if I was coming or going with that man anymore.

The sign for the coffee shop I work at soon comes catches my eye breaking me from my thoughts, where as like I have learnt to to, I put that same fake smile on my lips as I reach for the handle and walk in. My co-worker Shane, smiling from behind the counter as I walk in.

“Good morning Coraline, back in your second home I see.” He smiles whilst filling the cash register with fresh coins for the day, Shane was one of my closest friends and even though I’ve never told him about my life at home, I can see he knows something wasn’t right but knew I didn’t want to speak of it.

“I mean I get to spend the day with you, I can’t think of anything better.” I smile slipping my coat off as I arrive in the back of the shop, placing it up to hang from the hook whilst locking my purse in my locker.

“You know we can meet after work; I’m still waiting for you to accept my offer to get a drink sometime.” He shouts from the front whist I tie my brown apron around my body meeting him at the front, to find him throwing the empty packets the coins came into the bin.

“I would love to get a drink with you one day, but you know how busy I get.” I say with a little smile but avoid eye contact by wiping down the top of the counter, I hadn’t taken him up on his offer as I knew if I weren’t home by a certain time to make sure my father had money, who knows what he’d do to himself.

“Do I?” Was all Shane asks, the tone of his voice shifting to a concerned one in a matter of seconds, I soon look away from the counter and to his eyes where he and I make eye contact.

I knew getting everything which happens in my life off my chest would do me a world of good, but I didn’t know if I wanted to face it all by speaking about it. If I kept it to myself and allowed the world to see me with nothing but a smile on my face, was it really happening? I mean you know what they say, if a tree falls down but no one sees it, does it fall? If no one spots the sadness and worry in my eyes, is it really there? My eyes soon drift to the clock which sat on the wall behind Shane showing me my chance to leave this conversation.

“Oh look, we better open up before we have some angry customers pounding the door waiting for your coffee Shane.” I smile dismissing the conversation whilst walking around the counter to the front door, where the smile was able to falter slightly now no one was watching me.

Could I keep up this act forever?