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The Man Who Forgot How to Feel
The Man Who Forgot How to Feel
Author: Maren Shallow

Chapter 1

Author: Maren Shallow
Anthony Seymour heard that woman's voice again.

Faint. Hoarse. As if it had been soaked through with damp fog, reaching his ears only in broken fragments.

"Anthony, I'm sorry. Please forgive Mommy..."

Small for his age, he stood in the doorway, chin tilted up, looking at his mother's reddened eyes, and at his sister standing silently beside her.

They were both dressed and ready to go, a packed bag sitting at their feet.

"Mommy, why are you crying? And where are you and Naomi going? Can't I come too? Daddy always hits me when he's home. It hurts so much..."

His mother's lips trembled. She looked like she was on the verge of tears, and yet she never once knelt down to hold him. Not even once.

"Mommy and Naomi are going somewhere far away. You... you have to be good while we're gone, okay?"

"When are you coming back?"

His mother looked at him with sorrow in her eyes and said, slowly, "We're... not coming back."

He'd been too young, back then. Too young to understand what "not coming back" actually meant. He'd simply stood there, dazed, watching the door swing slowly shut in front of him.

The gap grew narrower and narrower.

His mother's face disappeared. His sister's silhouette disappeared too.

And finally, even the light from the hallway was shut out along with them.

The next instant, the memory tore apart violently, like something ripped by rough hands, and reassembled itself into an entirely different scene.

Cicadas droned outside the window, harsh sunlight spilling across the hallway. A girl walked up to him, textbooks cradled in her arms, her tone light and breezy, as if what she were about to say were the most ordinary thing in the world.

"Anthony, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"A senior confessed to me today."

"Did you... say yes to him?"

"Of course. He's not like you. He's handsome, athletic, and popular!"

The girl tilted her head, seeming to finally notice his silence.

"Hey, why are you so quiet? Aren't you supposed to be happy for me? We grew up together."

She suddenly laughed.

The smile was bright—bright enough that it almost hurt to look at.

"Huh? Don't tell me you like me? Are you upset enough to cry?

"Come on, there was never any chance for the two of us anyway."

Anthony didn't answer.

He simply watched the bright, easy smile on her face, and felt, all at once, that whatever fragile feelings he'd kept so carefully hidden away hadn't been worth all that much after all.

The scene shattered again.

This time, it was the sound of a few girls, giggling under their breath.

"Ivy, are you really going to date Anthony?"

"As if. Confessing to him was just a punishment from a game of truth or dare. You don't actually think I like that gloomy guy, do you?"

"Then why do you keep talking to him?"

"Only because he saved me once, and he seemed pretty pathetic wandering around by himself all the time, so I figured I'd throw him a bone. It's just pity, nothing more. Anyway, I'll be mad if anyone brings this up again!"

Anthony stood outside the door, a workbook still in his hands—one he'd never gotten the chance to hand over. The corners of the pages had gone slightly wrinkled in his grip.

All those moments that had once tricked him, in his darker days, into believing he could be treated like anyone else—they had only ever been someone else's pity, handed down without a second thought.

He forced himself not to push the door open. He simply turned and walked away.

Then came the sharp, antiseptic smell of a hospital, flooding into his nose.

In the hospital room, the girl stood beside the bed, a smile on her face that was polite and utterly distant.

"Anthony, thank you for breaking your arm to protect me. As a way of making it up to you, I'll cover all your hospital expenses. But please don't come to the music room anymore after this, okay?"

"Why?"

"You're asking why...?"

The girl seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if she didn't quite know how to put it without sounding cruel.

But in the end, she said it anyway, "Why do you think? Because it's annoying, obviously."

Anthony lay in the hospital bed, his broken arm still wrapped in a thick cast.

When he'd saved her, he hadn't been thinking about being repaid.

But he'd never imagined, either, that the person he'd fought so hard to protect would end up finding even his existence an eyesore.

At the far edge of the memory waited the voice of a police officer.

"Are you Anthony Seymour?"

"Yes, that's me, Officer."

"Your father is currently in custody at the station. We're here to ask you a few questions about his usual behavior."

"What did he do?"

After a brief silence, the officer said, "Murder."

From that day on, the way everyone looked at him changed.

He was no longer just Anthony. He was the continuation of something evil.

"He's a murderer's son!"

"A murderer's son is bound to be a murderer too!"

"That's right! We're just doing what's right, snuffing out an evil seed before it grows!"

"Get out of this school! Give us back our peace!"

"Scum! Trash!"

The sharp insults piled up, layer after layer, like countless hands dragging him down into water with no bottom in sight.

No one cared whether he'd actually done anything wrong.

No one cared, either, that he was, in truth, nothing more than a child who happened to have survived being raised by that murderer.

People needed someone to hate. And Anthony simply happened to be standing there.

Until, at some point, every voice suddenly fell away, far into the distance.

When Anthony woke from the tangle of shattered memory fragments, dawn had only just broken.

He sat up slowly, pressing a hand to his throbbing temple, and drew a deep breath.

Another dream. Always the same rotten memories.

Not that anything of that magnitude could shake him anymore. Not even a little.

In the dream, he'd watched himself the way a perfectly rational bystander might—coldly examining the ridiculous, pathetic mess of his first eighteen years.

He looked toward the window. Morning light had just begun to filter in. Anthony didn't go back to sleep. He climbed straight out of bed and dropped to the floor to do push-ups, waking his sluggish muscles from their slumber.

Just then, a cold, mechanical voice sounded in his ear.

[Loading... System binding successful!]

[Please open the interface to view relevant information.]

Anthony, mid-exercise, paused for a fraction of a second but didn't stop moving. He finished five full sets of push-ups without missing a beat, then rose from the floor, breathing lightly.

Once that was done, instead of immediately pulling up the system interface, he stuck to his usual routine—washing up, changing into workout clothes, and leaving his cramped one-room apartment.

A pile of his neighbor's household trash sat across the hallway from his door. Without a second thought, Anthony picked it up on his way out and dropped it in a trash can downstairs.

After a few stretches, he set off at a steady pace along the near-empty street.

He'd kept up this morning jog for years now, for one reason alone—maintaining his physical health, for a reason he found hard to put into words.

As the cold air filled his lungs and his heartbeat quickened, Anthony finally felt something like a sense of being alive.

Not that it mattered anymore what he himself actually thought about any of it.

The System, arriving so late to the party, couldn't stir up so much as a ripple in the still water of his heart.

The reason was simple.

What was the point, at this stage?

If the System had come to him at eleven, when some scrap of hope for the future still lingered in his heart, maybe things would have turned out differently.

But he was eighteen now.

He'd already lost everything, drifting through the world like a hollow shell, repeating the same day over and over.

Anthony didn't know whether this was some kind of punishment from above or something else entirely. He simply endured it alone.

Passing a breakfast stall, he caught the smell of warm oatmeal and fresh muffins steaming from the trays, and he found himself narrowing his eyes at the scent. Seeing that an elderly man was running the stall, he stopped without thinking and decided to grab something to eat.

"One blueberry muffin, one sausage roll, and a carton of orange juice to go."

"That'll be eight dollars, young man."

Just as he reached for his wallet, he heard hurried footsteps rushing up behind him. Before he could even turn around, the impact hit.

Anthony was knocked sideways by a sprinting man. If his frame hadn't been sturdy, he would have gone sprawling. Even so, he felt no anger or irritation—he simply glanced in the direction the man had run off to, got back on his feet, brushed the dust from his clothes, and prepared to pick up his food and go.

"Move! That's a thief! Don't get in the way of an officer doing her job!"

Just as he turned to leave, a breathless female voice rang out from a distance.

Anthony looked up to see a young woman in a police uniform chasing after the fleeing man.

A thief?

It took only a split second of thought before his body was already moving.

Assisting the police and stepping up to help when needed was every citizen's duty. He didn't stop to wonder whether the thief might be carrying anything dangerous, or whether he himself might get hurt—he simply shot forward like an arrow loosed from its string.

The thief wasn't especially fast. Within a matter of seconds, Anthony had closed the distance between them to about a yard.

Then, planting his feet and lunging forward, he tackled the man to the ground in a clean takedown, right as the thief realized, in disbelief, what was happening.

...

"Thanks for helping out!"

The young officer, ponytail bouncing, cuffed the man writhing on the ground and looked up at Anthony.

Upon getting a good look at the young man's face, her eyes lit up slightly. It had been a while since she'd seen someone so clean-cut and handsome, and with such a strong sense of justice and responsibility besides. She couldn't help but warm to him.

Anthony shook his head. "It's not you who should be thanking me. It's the other way around."

"You?"

The officer looked puzzled at his words. Just as she opened her mouth to ask what he meant, he'd already given her a nod, picked up his food and juice, and walked calmly away.

What a strange guy... The officer shook her head, then gave the thief squirming on the ground a kick, arching her brows sharply. "Behave yourself! We'll sort this out at the station!"

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  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 30

    That particular day at lunch, Celeste had sent a message ahead of time to let him know she'd be running a little late.Anthony hadn't thought much of it. As usual, he made his way to the old, weathered upright piano and settled in to practice the new piece Celeste had assigned him.According to Celeste, someone with a bit of natural aptitude could reach an amateur advanced level with two or three years of steady practice.Anthony, meanwhile, had reached a professional-level standard in just two months.He didn't really feel much about that fact one way or another. With no other point of reference to compare himself to, he could only measure his own progress against Celeste's playing, and the gap between the two of them still felt impossibly vast.Even so, compared to how he'd played back when he'd first started, the progress he'd made since then was nothing short of enormous.At the very least, he could now tell the difference in tuning between different pianos.Take the one he

  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 29

    Anthony had no idea what he'd just pulled off was actually something remarkable.A complete beginner, someone who couldn't even read sheet music, had reproduced an entry-level intermediate piece almost note for note, relying purely on memory and an uncannily precise ear.If he'd told anyone, no one would have believed him.Right now, Anthony simply figured he must be one of those people with no real talent for it, and decided he'd never bother trying again.But just as he closed the lid and moved to push the bench back into place, a cool, clipped voice suddenly sounded behind him. "Is this your first time touching a piano?"Anthony's body went rigid, and cold sweat broke out instantly.He hadn't expected, in a million years, that Celeste would choose this exact moment to walk back into the room.Worse, she'd apparently just watched his clumsy little performance from start to finish.Anthony turned around slowly and bowed his head deeply. "Sorry, I...""Answer the question."C

  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 28

    The room itself was fairly tidy, though several rows of old, discarded desks and chairs had been stacked along the walls, and a battered metal bookcase sat in one corner.Aside from that, the center of the room was mostly bare, except for two pianos set up one behind the other.One of them was clearly expensive—the kind of grand piano you'd expect to see at some lavish gala—its lid stamped with the name "Bösendorfer" in gold lettering, looking almost comically out of place against the shabby classroom around it.The other was an ordinary upright, the ubiquitous kind you'd find in any music room, clearly not used much, its bench dusted with a light layer of grime.Celeste always played the expensive grand piano. As for the upright, it was probably something left behind from whatever music program the school used to run.Ashwood High had never had a proper music curriculum to begin with—even the school's one music teacher had long since been reassigned to work part-time as a librari

  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 27

    "So why has nobody ever actually joined the piano club, then?"Anthony asked the question quietly, voicing what he'd been wondering.Marcus clicked his tongue. "Word is, she can't stand men. Every guy who's ever handed in an application form hoping to get closer to her looks has gotten absolutely destroyed for it—some of them even started crying on the spot, if the stories are true.""Impressive.""You thinking about switching your affections over to Celeste, trying to win back some dignity after what Ivy did to you? Careful there, man, don't say I didn't warn you.""Got it. Thanks for the heads-up."Even so, the very next day, Anthony seemed to have completely forgotten Marcus's warning. Come lunchtime, he showed up right on schedule in the stairwell of the old campus wing.He'd been kept up half the night before, tormented by headaches, and hadn't slept well at all—his energy had been steadily draining away ever since. After thinking it over, he realized the old campus wing at

  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 26

    The music drifted through the air, clear and flowing like a gentle stream, filling the space with a soothing, effortless calm.Anthony blinked, then turned his head to look.In a classroom off in the distance, he could just make out the delicate profile of a girl, her black hair falling over her shoulders, her whole body swaying gently to the rhythm, completely absorbed in the music.Anthony didn't know much about musical instruments. After his mother and sister had left, and with his father hauled off to prison for murder not long after, simply staying alive had already taken everything he had—there'd been no room left over for hobbies.Still, drawing on what little life experience he did have, he could tell the crisp, ringing sound belonged to a piano. As for the piece itself, he vaguely recalled hearing it played over the school's lunchtime broadcast before—something called "Pathétique," a Beethoven composition, if he remembered right.With nothing better to do at the moment, A

  • The Man Who Forgot How to Feel   Chapter 25

    There was a hollow, almost fractured feeling to it, like something inside him was on the verge of breaking apart completely.Anthony had a feeling that if he didn't do something soon, he was going to fall apart entirely.After all, the doctors had warned him, after that car accident freshman year, that the damage to his frontal lobe could seriously affect his ability to generate and regulate emotions if he didn't take proper care of himself.To keep that fear from becoming reality, Anthony had thrown himself, almost frantically, into finding something—anything—to occupy his mind during that stretch of time.It was an attempt to distract himself, to slow down however fast his emotions and thoughts were unraveling.He'd tried soccer. Basketball. Running. Even video games, more than once.None of it had done a thing to stop the slow collapse happening inside him.He could feel himself growing colder, more detached, by the day. All those vivid, colorful emotions seemed to be melting

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