Chapter 2

Ryan’s family lived next door to mine. They had moved in when I was eight.

The first time I saw him, he was getting out of a car with a box of books in his arms. I was standing by our gate, and he asked if I wanted to carry half. From then on, I spent ten years following him around.

As the cab pulled up, I saw his family’s porch. Ryan’s bike leaned against the wall. I had helped him replace the front tire last year.

I wanted to go somewhere the house would be out of sight.

My parents were away for a relative’s anniversary celebration and would be back in two days. At home, I followed the advice I had received from the pharmacist, bought what I needed, and took care of it according to the instructions.

Afterward, I sat on the living room rug while the light slowly faded from the windows.

Last night, I had been thinking about calling Mia to tell her Ryan might like me. She would have asked, “Did he actually say it?”

I would have told her I could feel it.

I was glad that conversation had stayed in my head.

By the time my phone lit up again, evening had come. Mia was calling on video. I answered and pointed the camera at the ceiling.

“Leah?” Her end was noisy. “Where are you? Ryan said you weren’t coming tonight.”

“I’m tired.”

“What’s wrong with your voice?”

“The air conditioning got to me today.”

Mia sounded unconvinced. She was my best friend and the one person who knew how deeply I loved Ryan. Whenever I made excuses for him, she frowned. Whenever I was hurting, she showed up.

“Stay on the call,” she said.

The camera shifted as she walked to the door of a private room. Through the glass, I could see our classmates laughing around a table.

Ryan sat on a sofa in the corner. Blair was beside him, wearing a blue cropped top and leaning toward him as she spoke. He lowered his head to hear her. I knew that look of concentration from years of watching him, though I had never seen him give it to me.

When we walked together, Ryan usually moved faster than I did. I would call his name twice before he remembered to look back. Blair leaned in a little, and he bent toward her on his own.

“I almost didn’t show you,” Mia said quietly. “This afternoon he told you he couldn’t bring you, and now he’s sitting here with Blair.”

I kept what I had heard outside the classroom to myself. Mia probably thought Ryan had left me out again.

Inside the room, the group started playing truth or dare. Blair drew a card that told her to choose a guy for a challenge, and she pointed at Ryan.

Their friends cleared a space in front of the sofa. Blair lay back while Ryan held himself above her and began doing push-ups. His movements stayed steady, with space between them.

As he reached the last few, the cheering grew louder. Blair touched his shoulder. He looked down at her, and they smiled at each other.

On the final push-up, he paused. I missed whatever their friends said next. Ryan lowered his head and kissed Blair.

The room erupted in screams. Mia swung the camera away and hurried down the hall.

“Leah, I’m sorry. I should’ve ended the call sooner.”

“It’s okay.” My voice came out rough.

“Don’t make excuses for him,” Mia said. “I know he’s been good to you before, but if he cares about you, he needs to be honest with you.”

“I know.”

“You always say that. Then he shows up the next day, and you decide you got him wrong.”

I looked down at the pattern in the rug. She was right. Ryan could bring me a coffee, and I would set aside whatever had hurt me the day before.

I wanted to do something different this time.

“Mia,” I said, “can I still accept the offer from that university in Los Angeles?”

She froze. “Yes. You got the email a few days ago, remember? You have until tonight to confirm.”

I had left that email sitting in my inbox, afraid to open it. I had applied to schools in Boston and to the university in Los Angeles. The program in LA suited me better, but Ryan had decided years ago that he was going to Boston.