Chapter 3

He loved aerospace and had collected spacecraft models since he was little. When we were fifteen, he pointed to a college brochure and told me he was going there one day.

“Then I’ll apply to schools in Boston too,” I had said.

He laughed and ruffled my hair. “Sure. Maybe by then you’ll have learned to find your way around.”

I had held on to that conversation. Ryan had told me where he wanted to go, and I had promised to follow.

I went into the study and opened my laptop. Mia stayed on the call while I read the Los Angeles offer again. I looked over the program, housing information, and deadline, then opened the acceptance page.

My finger rested on the trackpad as I thought about my parents. They believed I would be in Boston. Ryan’s mother had even offered to help us look for places to live once school started.

I was about to choose a city thousands of miles away before telling either of them.

That frightened me. The thought of spending four years at college waiting for Ryan frightened me more.

I clicked Accept. A confirmation email arrived moments later.

Mia saw the screen. Her mouth fell open, and her eyes filled with tears.

“Leah, you’re really coming to LA with me?”

“I am.”

“Can I tell people?”

“Give me a little time.” I closed the laptop. “I still have to tell my parents.”

Ryan could find out later.

After ending the call, I sat in the study and watched a light come on next door.

Earlier that day, I could barely imagine leaving Ryan behind. I could barely imagine it now, but I had made one decision for myself.

Before bed, I filled the bathtub. As I undressed, a faint mark on my shoulder brought last night back to me: Ryan’s breath against my skin and the way he had said my name.

I sat in the water until it cooled around me.

I had chosen to spend that night with him. What hurt was knowing he understood how I felt and had treated those feelings as something to brag about to his friends.

After my bath, I put on pajamas and took the glass Ryan had used from my bedside table to the kitchen. A note lay beneath it. He had written it yesterday morning before leaving.

Remember to eat breakfast.

I kept his old notes in a drawer. This one went into the trash. I changed my pillowcase too, then lay down in a room that looked much as it had before.

Sleep took hours to come.

Ever since we got phones, Ryan had sent me a goodnight message every evening. Sometimes he remembered at two in the morning after playing games at a friend’s house. Sometimes I fell asleep first and found it waiting when I woke.

Tonight, the screen stayed dark. I told myself the quiet would help me let go.

Near dawn, I finally drifted off.

Something brushed my forehead. I opened my eyes and found Ryan sitting on the edge of my bed, carrying a paper bag. He smelled of cool morning air and the cedar cologne he always wore.

“Morning,” he said with a smile.

I pulled back so sharply that he stared.

“Did I scare you?”

He knew the code to our front door. When my parents went out and I overslept, he sometimes let himself in and left breakfast in the kitchen. I used to think that meant we were close.

Seeing him beside my bed now made me tense.

“What are you doing here?”

“Brought breakfast.” He lifted the bag. “Your favorite bagel.”

He reached toward my hair, and I moved away. His hand stopped.

“Are you mad because I didn’t take you to the party?”

I stayed quiet.

“What did Mia tell you?” Ryan sighed. “We were playing a game last night. People had been drinking and started cheering. Are you really taking it seriously?”

I pushed back the covers and moved farther from him.

“I need to get dressed. Please go downstairs.”

He looked at me for a moment. “Leah, since when do we need to be so…”

“We do,” I said. “Please leave.”

His smile faded. A few seconds later, he got up.

“I’ll wait downstairs,” he said, closing the door behind him.

When I came down, two breakfasts were set out on the table. Ryan had bought me coffee and pulled out the chair where I always sat. He moved around the kitchen with the ease of someone who had been there hundreds of times.