26. Self Reflection

Tonight Josh was forced to return to his own home. After his very intense conversation with his mother, it was clear that he didn't dare to go straight back to Sharon's apartment.

In fact, he was unsure whether he should be determined to stay away from Sharon for a while, or whether he should be stubborn enough to meet her secretly as usual. Which of course came with consequences that were far worse than before.

If he took the first option, compromised with Sharon and kept their distance—even though the girl would explode in anger and refuse to part with him without listening to any reason, as he had tried in the past—maybe he would be able to delay a little time to find a way to get back together with Sharon without having to worry about any sanctions.

But if he took the second option, by continuing to prioritize Sharon and breaking his own promise—which he had even said with a face full of guilt less than an hour ago—then, he really had to be ready to accept a punishment that would probably be even more unimaginable than the one that had been legally written between him and his mother.

Because he himself could actually imagine how furious and disappointed his mother would be if she found him breaking the agreement and lying to her for the umpteenth time.

His fear was not of what horrors he would face. But what crazy things his mother would do to Sharon. Because his mother knew that the girl was his weakness. His mother knew very well that the girl was the reason why Josh was brave enough to sacrifice so many things without thinking twice. And, it seemed, his mother also knew for sure, if he would not be afraid to pluck the moon even for the sake of Sharon.

But this time, Josh felt that he was really standing on a vine full of sharp thorns. He didn't know what would happen to his foothold if he took a hasty step or misplaced. He would either lose his balance and fall, or the vine would snap and send him tumbling, or... his foot would step on a thorn and knock him over. In short, whatever he did, would only potentially give him the same worst possible outcome.

What makes everything different is only how he chooses what kind of cause will bring him down. In whose hands he would pick up his suffering—his own mother, or the girl he loved.

As he stared pensively in his car at Sharon's contact number, the vortex of chaos swirled around in his head intensely and deeply. It almost made his head feel violently compressed and erupted in sharp, agonizing pain.

Until that moment, there were no messages or even calls from his girlfriend. Perhaps the girl understood well enough that if he was talking to his mother, it meant he needed some time off. So the girl knew not to disturb him. Though perhaps, right now, Sharon was desperate for him to come back to her apartment.

But if tonight Josh put all his common sense aside and indulged his own ego for Sharon's sake, he would be on a suicide mission.

He couldn't just break a promise when he had just said it solemnly—like a sinner promising to repent.

Finally, with a heavy heart, he decided not to contact Sharon at all until tomorrow.

He considered that if he sent a message saying he couldn't go back to her place tonight, it would only lead to violent arguments that would make his heart waver again and immediately return to Sharon’s arms.

Whereas, if he didn't send any news, he was sure that it would imply to Sharon indirectly that he was having a hard time at his mother's house and it was natural not to give any news or even not to come back to her place at all.

So tonight, Josh drove his car to his new apartment—where Ashley was there.

His legs felt heavy as he arrived and stepped inside. It was as if there were so many invisible burdens that he was now forced to bear alone. 

He walked as he swept her gaze across the rooms he passed with an extremely tired look. 

He found no sign of Ashley's presence there. All that greeted him was only quiet and stillness. 

Then when he sat down in the living room, Josh dropped his gaze to his own blurry reflection on the dead television screen. 

Josh's eyes may still be glued to the same object, but his mind is drifting and jumping to the various moments that have frustrated him the most over the past two days—consecutively. 

The reflection started from Josh feeling sorry for himself, to sorting and finding fault with what had escaped his control to cause all this to happen. Which not only ignited one problem, but also spread and attracted other misfortunes to follow—like a butterfly effect.

Maybe, just maybe, if Ashley hadn't caught him with Sharon yesterday afternoon, maybe they wouldn't have fought so much and their relationship wouldn't be in such limbo. Because after all, Josh still needs a good bond and Ashley's full trust in him. Meanwhile, when things have already become like this, the mission assigned by his mother becomes completely impossible for him to do. 

And Sharon, the only girl he loves, doesn't need to feel even more miserable because she has to meet Ashley in person. The meeting of the two girls should never have happened in the first place—as he wanted, as he planned. Because it would have a very unpleasant effect on both of them—especially Sharon, in his opinion. 

He also didn't need to go to the trouble of calming the two girls down. To be honest, if Ashley didn't know about his relationship with Sharon, the three of them would still be in a conducive situation. He wouldn't have had to accept Ashley's resentment, and wouldn't have had to go to the trouble of taking care of Sharon to this extent. 

He and Sharon should still keep in touch in strict confidence as they had managed to do over the past few months. Sharon would also not demand so many things that could jeopardize both of their positions—exposing their togetherness in public, for example, as they had just done today. 

That way, he wouldn't have to go through another set of difficulties that were far more dire—caught in Min Jinnah's trap. 

But who should he blame? 

Ashley probably just accidentally saw him in the corner of the lobby with Sharon. And it was natural for Sharon to demand the sincerity of his feelings for her after the trigger she got. 

Perhaps in the end, he himself was to blame. 

He should have been more careful in his actions. Confirming repeatedly the surroundings carefully, and not taking a careless step like he had done this time. 

But everything had already happened. There was no turning back time. There was also no porridge that could be turned into rice. 

All he needed to do was calm himself down so that he could reorganize his plan. Cool his head. Then unravel all the deadlocks that were crowding in there. Because the contents of his head right now were really much worse than the thousands of threads that were tangled together.