Chapter 20: Little moments

SERA

I couldn't stop thinking about the almost kiss.

The way Kade had caught me during training, how close we'd been. The heat in his eyes before he'd stepped back and put distance between us again.

What were we doing? What was this between us?

I paced my room, too restless to sit down, my shoulder ached a bit but it was healing well. In few days, I'd have a full range of motion back.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Come in," I said.

Elena entered, carrying her healer's bag. "How's the shoulder?"

"Still sore, but better."

She examined it with ease, her touches gentle but firm. "Healing nicely, you know your healing process is slow for now, you'll be back to full strength soon." She packed up her supplies. "I could use help in the clinic if you're not busy, nothing serious, just organizing supplies."

I jumped at the chance to do something useful, "Of course."

The clinic was quiet when we arrived. Elena set me to work sorting bandages and organizing herb jars while she updated her inventory lists.

"You seem different today," Elena said after a while.

"Different how?"

"Less tense, like maybe some of that weight you've been carrying is lighter."

I thought about the conversation with Kade yesterday, about him saying I mattered.

"Maybe," I admitted.

Elena smiled knowingly but didn't push, we worked in comfortable silence for a while.

"Elena," I said eventually. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, child."

"How do you know when something is real? When someone's feelings are genuine?"

Elena set down her pen, studying me with those knowing eyes. "You're asking about Kade."

"I don't know what I'm asking."

"You're asking if you can trust what you feel, what he feels." She leaned back in her chair, "The answer is complicated. Kade is a complicated man, he loved his mate deeply, lost her violently. That kind of pain doesn't just disappear."

"So he'll never…" I stopped, not sure how to finish.

"Never what? Love again? Feel again?" Elena shook her head. "He already does, the question is whether he'll let himself."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"Give him time," Elena said gently. "Give yourself time, what you two have isn't simple, but that doesn't mean it isn't real."

We finished organizing the clinic, and I headed back to the main house as evening came. My stomach rumbled, reminding me I'd skipped lunch.

The kitchen was empty when I arrived. I rummaged through the pantry, finding bread and cheese, simple, but it would do.

"Couldn't sleep either?"

I jumped, spinning around. Kade stood in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

"I was hungry," I said. "Skipped lunch."

"Me too." He moved into the kitchen, keeping a careful distance. "Mind if I join you?"

"It's your kitchen."

"That's not what I asked."

I looked at him, "I don't mind."

We worked in silence, gathering food, he found some leftover stew and heated it while I sliced bread. It felt strangely domestic and normal.

We sat at the small kitchen table, the main dining hall too large and formal for this late hour.

"When I was a kid," Kade said suddenly, "I used to sneak into the kitchen at night and steal honey cakes. The cook always knew, but she never stopped me."

I smiled, "I can't imagine you as a kid stealing sweets."

"I wasn't always the Rogue King." He took a bite of bread, I was just a boy who liked honey cakes.

"What else did you like?"

He thought about it, "Books. I loved reading adventure stories mostly, tales of heroes, battles and honor."

"That surprises me."

"Why?"

"I don't know, you just seem so..." I gestured vaguely.

"Brutal? Ruthless?"

"Practical," I finished. "Like you don't believe in heroes or honor anymore."

"I don't, not really." He was quiet for a moment. "Real life isn't like the stories, heroes die, honor gets you killed, the Council proved that."

The bitterness in his voice made my chest ache.

"What about you?" he asked, "What did you like as a kid?"

"Dancing," I said without thinking. "My mother used to dance with me in the kitchen. She'd sing old songs and spin me around until we were both dizzy and laughing."

"How did your mother die?"

"When I was twelve, rogue attack." I looked down at my food, "after that, everything changed. My father broke down, I had to take care of Lila, there wasn't time for dancing anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago."

We ate in silence for a while, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was peaceful, almost.

"You're good with Elena," Kade said eventually. "She likes you."

"She's been kind to me more than most people have."

"You're easy to be kind to."

I looked up sharply, "What?"

He met my eyes. "You're easy to be kind to Sera, you just don't believe it because too many people have been cruel instead."

My throat tightened, "Kade.."

"Thorne was an idiot," he continued, choosing politics over you. Any man who could reject you is a fool."

"You brought me here as a weapon," I reminded him, but without the bitterness I would have used a week ago.

"I agree but also to keep you alive," he corrected. "The weapon thing was just what I usually told myself because it was easier than admitting the truth."

"What truth?"

He was quiet for a long moment. "That I cared whether you lived or died and wanted you safe. That somewhere between watching you destroy that tree and watching you argue with me during training, you stopped being a tool and started being..." He trailed off.

"Being what?"

"Someone who matters."

The words hung in the air between us, simple, honest, terrifying.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted quietly. "With this, with us, with any of it."

"Me neither," he said. "But maybe we don't have to know, we just figure it out as we go."

I looked at him across the small kitchen table, not the Rogue King, not my trainer, just Kade, looking as uncertain and hopeful as I felt.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay?"

"We'll figure it out, together."

Something in his expression softened, not really a smile, but close.

We finished eating, talking about small things, favorite seasons, childhood memories, nothing important, but somehow everything important.

When I finally headed back to my room, it was late but for the first time in weeks, I felt lighter.

I climbed into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

No nightmares and when I woke in the morning, the first thought I had wasn't about the Council or danger or fear.

It was about honey cakes and dancing and the way Kade had looked at me across the kitchen table.

Like maybe, just maybe, we could both stop being so afraid.