Recurring Dreams

Everytime I go to sleep I see the same things. A wide hall with draping red cloth hanging from the ceilings.

A soft whisper of my name echoes as I chase after the source of the voice. When I reach my hand and pull on the draping cloth, I find a throne before a dark blue banner or tapestry of some sort. It had the image of a tiger that seemed to glow a certain gold whenever I walked towards it.

I felt as if it called out to me. But whenever I reached out to touch it, a voice would call for me in a seemingly distant voice. I would turn around to find the previous red drapings gone and replaced with a regal throne room.

As I glanced around, people with undiscerning features would appear; almost as if they had always been there. They would be bowing lowly with their head towards the ground in a respectful manner.

Soft whisperings would then call me towards another location. I would then tip toe around them as I head towards the large twin door, following after the voices.

As I push through the door, I would find myself in a hallway that seemed endless. I would then walk down that endless path until I wake up. Another unrecognizable voice of a man would resound in my ear as he repeats the same lines.

"You shouldn't have to worry about anything."

These dreams would haunt me everytime I fell asleep. At some point in time, I found it frustrating as I couldn't ever find out what was the dream about nor who or where I was at.

Today would be no exception. I thought to myself as I walked down the familiar path. The hazy like atmosphere seemed to clear up as I walked down the hall. I blinked a few times as I shook my head in disbelief. 

I... have never been in this part of the dream... Something is... different...

I then pressed on as I entered the hall that had always been distant in the previous dreams. Before opening the door, a familiar voice rang out in the silence, catching my attention.

That... sounded like my voice...

Turning towards the direction of the voice, curiosity got the best of me as I walked towards it discreetly. My heart thumped nervously in my chest as I approach the corner where I had heard the voice. It grew clearer with each step as I rounded the corner. My eyes then widened as I fell backwards, gasping at the scene.

"How... HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?! ARE YOU EVEN A HUMAN?! MY... OUR SON!"

I saw myself holding Mikhail in my hands as I cradled him gingerly, blood covered my hands as Mikhail's blood pooled on the ground. My eyes trailed the gleaming sword with blood trickling off it. It seemed that Xander had striked Mikhail across his chest in a single fluid motion.

"...Xan...der..." I whispered, shocked as I saw Xander's face. He had blood splattered on his face and a distant look in his eyes. His usual warmth nowhere to be found. 

He then turned around as he walked off, not saying anything as he dropped his shoulders. His sword dragged against the wet surface of the ground. Rain seemed to have started falling right after the exchange, as if marking the moment as a sad occasion, tears from heaven, if you will.

My eyes widened even more as I saw myself staggering to stand on my legs. My head drooped with my bangs covering my eyes as I saw myself producing the dagger that Xander had given me years ago as a present.

No way... I can't possibly be thinking of...

Trying to deny what "dream" me was about to do, I desperately shook my head as I stood up shakily. There's no way I had it in me to...

My thoughts were interrupted when I witnessed myself dashing towards Xander as she plunged the dagger through his back. Over. And over. And over again. A crazed woman with crazed eyes as she screamed maniacally. It was a scene that made me cringe. It seemed as if my animalistic instinct had taken over from how I was practically howling and stabbing him.

It was worse than carnage as Xander had meant everything to me. Almost as much as the world, was what Xander felt like to me. He was my all. When I was forced to leave, Mikhail was the only other person who kept me at bay. I had felt distant and lost, so caring for our child, which was the product of our love once upon a time, was all that kept me sane.

Now, I witnessed myself killing the one man that I had loved. He collapsed in a heap on the ground, a red spot slowly growing wider in diameter as his white shirt started to turn into the colour of wine. I then twitched as I watched myself slowly turning around.

"... You... will... regret... everything..." I heard myself say as she then held the dagger against her throat, slicing it.

My pupils dilated as I felt my knees grow shaky. I forced myself to run towards her but fell onto the wet soil. As I was about to touch her to press onto the wound, my hands felt her solid body and gushing red blood, almost as if everything that occurred before my eyes were real.

I pulled my hand back as I shivered from the fear. Staring at my blood soaked hands, I then fell backwards as I distanced myself from her. My hand then touched a now cold body, soaked from the rain.

I turned around to find Xander lying seemingly lifeless on the ground. My heart constricted as I dared myself to turn him around. Please... this is all a dream... he can't... die...

As I turned Xander over to face me, I averted my eyes so that I wouldn't see his back that had been soaked red with his own blood.

A sudden cold touch on my cheek made me turn to find myself locking eyes with Xander's blue ones. His cold eyes were now hazy and filling with tears as he caressed my cheek gently.

"... Diane... I'm... Sorry. I had to... This hell... Thank you... for saving me... But we must part here... You belong... somewhere else... Not... here..." Xander's seemingly broken voice echoed in my ears as I touched his face which was growing colder by the second.

"What do you mean? Why would you? Where else do I belong if not with you? Xander?!" I gasped as I realised that I had been yelling.

"... Don't cry... I don't deserve... your tears..." Xander said with a weak smile before his hand fell limp onto his chest.

My eyes widened as I grasped his hand, bringing it back to my cheek as I called out to him. I kept screaming his name until my voice grew hoarse and my head began to throb. My tears were washed away by the rain as I felt the dull pain throb in my head.

What is this... why... would I dream of something like this... Xander... Mikhail... Me...

Before I realised, my eyes fluttered open. I was in an unknown place. Cool air sent a shiver down my spine as I found myself rubbing my hand against my forehead. I had been sweating as beads of sweat coated the back of my hand. I then took in the mountains in the distance before my eyes rested on a familiar green cloak and hood. Mikhail.

I calmed myself down before I feigned waking up. I rubbed my eyes in a manner that implied that I had just woken up as I asked Mikhail where we were. I was a little shocked to find my finger coated with liquid as I quickly wiped it away. I cried?

"Oh, mom. We're on the halfway mark to the nearest town. We... were heading North-East, right?" Mikhail asked as he nervously scratched his cheek. 

"... Yes. We're taking a break? How long has it been?"

"Around 4 hours... give and take." 

"Four... Oh my... Poor Brownie is due for a break. I've packed some breakfast. We can have our meal as we let Brownie relax."

"Sure."

I then sighed in relief as I thought of Vogrant and Xander. The dream was far too realistic to even be called a dream. It was more vivid than anything I had seen in previous dreams.

I shuddered at the thought before I felt Mikhail bringing the cart to a halt. It seemed that we had reached the lake.

I then hopped out of the cart as I turned to glance at the path we had come from. It had been a long way from Vogrant. Xander shouldn't be able to reach us if we were at such a distance from home...

I hope he stops... when he reads the letter that I had left for him. It seemed right at the moment but... I did so because I wanted to keep Mikhail safe. I missed Xander but... after that dream... it seems that staying away from him made me even more tormented than before.

I sighed as I felt the summer wind caress my cheeks, my thoughts clearing as I shook my head. I then grabbed the dishes I had prepared for breakfast and headed towards Mikhail who was tying the reins around a tree branch.