The Hollow

My world felt like it was coming to an abrupt end. All I could think of in this devastating state was my baby. Addie needs to know about this. Somehow. Anyhow. For all I care, Xavier never wants to see me anymore, I wonder what he'd be feeling hearing the news about the accident. Probably happy. I hope that asshole rots in hell.

I heard floating voices above me. Through me. Around me.

“ Her BP's dropping. Possible internal injuries.” I heard Marcus say. “How far along did she say she was?” Another voice asked. Everything seemed to move in slow motion.

The ambulance door opened. I felt myself floating into the back of the vehicle. Red and powerful white lights shone on my face. Marcus's face was above mine saying words I couldn't quite hear in the rushing in my ears. My vision blurred again.

I felt a sharp pain sting my arms, and cold flooded through my veins. The high-pitched siren wails started again. This time, close…too close that it vibrated in my bones. The IV bag swayed. “Selene, we're almost there. Hold on for us”. I watched as the clear liquid dripped down the tube, and into my arms. The ambulance door flew open. Light. Bright fluorescent lights. Hands everywhere touching me. The smell of antiseptic filling the air.

“ Selene Adrian, 28 year old female. Car accident, thirteen weeks pregnant, abdominal trauma.”

A face appeared above me. A woman in white coat. “Selene, I'm Doctor Jay. You're at Velmont private hospital. Please stay with me. We're going to help you and your baby.” The words echoed in my head. I tried to hold her hands… “my baby. Please save my baby.” “We're going to do everything we can maa’m.”

********

My hands moved instinctively towards my stomach. The slight swell was still there, but something felt wrong. Terribly wrong. Every part of my body ached with a deep throbbing pain. Panic clawed at my chest. I tried to sit up, but pain shot through my ribs, forcing me back with gasps.

“Easy… easy.” A nurse appeared at my bedside. Her face, sweet and professional.

“ Don't try to move that quickly, you've been through quite an ordeal.” Mrs Adrian. The name felt foreign now. It didn't feel like mine anymore. It felt like someone else's, like someone whose life hadn't been this shattered.

“Nurse my baby… please… do anything. Anything.” The words came out distorted. The nurse's expression shifted. Sympathy flooding her features.

“Let me get the doctor,” she said, already moving to the door. “No. No. No. Fuck no. God please.” I cried out, tears falling down my temple. “Tell me now please.”

A woman in her early fifties walked into the room. “Hi Mrs Selene, I'm doctor Jay. I've been the one overseeing your care since you were admitted.”

“My baby” my voice croaked.

“Mrs Selene, we're so sorry” she whispered. “The trauma. It had too much impact. The baby couldn't survive it.” She came to my bedside, holding my hands gently. “We're really sorry ma'am. It's hard, but you'll really need to take it easy on yourself.

The world stopped. The beeping of the heart monitor seemed to slow. Each beat echoing in my ears like a death knell.

My body is a traitor. A graveyard, a house that couldn't keep its only resident safe. The doctor's words looped in memory like a broken record. “I'm sorry” like sorry could fix anything. As if sorry could stitch back the life that tore apart inside me. As if sorry could fill the suddenly hollow space beneath my ribs.

A sound tore from my throat. Raw and animalistic . It didn't sound human… I didn't feel human. I felt hollow, scooped out, absolutely nothing but a shell of pain and loss.

“Mrs Selene, please you need to…stay calm. Your injuries.”

I couldn't be calm. How could anyone expect me to be calm? I'd lost everything. My marriage, my family, my career is on the line and just when I thought the only thing that mattered to me most was going to stay, go. My baby. I had waited for this miracle five good fucking years and now, it's gone. Sobs wracked my body, each one sending a fresh wave of pain to my body. I didn't care. Physical pain meant nothing compared to this agony and anguish burning through my soul. The grief sits in my throat like it's glass. I'm bleeding out a future and the world keeps turning.

Doctor Jay tried to be professional, but I could see right through her. She sobbed too. She nodded and retreated, leaving me alone with my grief and the beeping sounds of the machine monitoring that had failed its only job. Stupid!

Tomorrow, they'd do the procedure. They'd remove what's left inside me. Make me empty in body, the same way I'd already been empty in soul.

This is what loss felt like.

I struggled to reach out to my phone on the bedside table. The screen was badly cracked from the accident, but still functional. I scrolled through my phone mechanically. Seventy five missed calls, over a hundred texts from Xavier, my mum, a few unknown numbers and my old mentor at my hospital where I worked.

I opened Xavier's messages. “Selene, please answer, we need to talk. I'm sorry about everything. Please “

Fuck you, i mumbled beneath my breath, deleting the messages. All of them.

I opened my email. The top message froze the little warmth that remained in my blood.

Subject: Medical License Review Hearing

“Dr Hart, based on recent allegations of medical malpractice, the medical board has scheduled an emergency hearing to review your license. You have 30 days to prepare for your defense. Failure to appear will result in automatic licence revocation.”

“What the fuck.”