Water Pt. 2

When I woke I was being placed in the bed I had been tenanting the last few days. I tensed up in his arms, reaffirming my hold of him. He straightened and sat with me in his lap.

 

He kissed the top of my head. "What is it, mon bonheur?"

 

I smiled slightly. I didn't know what he'd said, but the way he said it...it...how do I articulate it properly...? It made me feel like I might matter. My heart fluttered as his lips contacted against my temple.

 

"Don't leave me. Please. Please, don't leave me." The desperation I felt at that moment transcended into my tone, and I felt it rolling off of me in waves. Mykel felt it, too.

 

"Come on, then. It's late." He patted my side where his hand rested and I crawled off of him onto the cold bed. I felt the loss of his heat instantly and I felt my heart sink and lurch at the same time at the thought of him leaving me alone.

 

I felt my cheeks redden as he crawled under the covers and opened his arms to me. I nestled myself against him, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me.

 

I felt my body relax when his fingers threaded through my hair, lightly massaging my scalp.

 

"Sleep, mon bonheur," he whispered and as I drifted off to sleep I thought I heard him say something else. I was not sure, but it sounded like-

 

I'll never leave you, mon bonheur. My arms were made to hold you.

 

The feeling of weightlessness as I fell asleep in his arms trickled away and another feeling replaced it. One I was still all too familiar with. 

 

The anxiety that fills me, even now, when it comes to bathtubs, and getting in them, is almost crippling. Over the past several years since Mykel entered my life, he's taught me to handle a shower without my breaking down completely. 

 

I sat in my dungeon, curled with my legs to my chest, trying not to let them hear me cry. My six-year-old self cramped into the tiny closet that would remain my "room" until I ran away at sixteen.

 

My head rested in my arms, my hands clutching my skinny legs. Then I heard them. The footsteps. Heavy and hard and comminatory. I begin to shiver, trepidity brimming over my eyes.

 

The rickety door swung open and I shrank away from the monster that towered above me. Her hand reached down and grabbed me by my hair. I waited silently, as I knew more noise would only make things worse. She brought her face close to mine, her breath was wretched and heavy with alcohol and something else.

 

"What do I have to do to you to keep you fucking quiet, you little cock sucker?" She slapped me then, my body being force-slammed into the wall. I had not the time to regain my senses before she grabbed me by the hair again and dragged me toward the bathroom. I knew what was coming. As we rounded the corner I could hear the tub filling with water. My fights increased as I became frantic, screaming from pure consternation. 

 

Somewhere from behind me, I heard my sister exit her room. She fought with our mother to let me go, hitting her arms and anywhere she could to get her to release me.

 

Our father came out of the bathroom then, fury written across his face at the defiance my sister was displaying. Defiance I was displaying.

 

He grabbed my sister and threw her with one swift action. I could hear the sounds of her screaming as she took her medicine, then I was in the bathroom. She pulled me upward before punching me in the stomach; as I doubled over she threw me into the tub.

 

She held me down by my chest and hair and I fought as I felt myself begin to die again. This was her favorite thing to do to me. To drown me. Forcefully, I was pulled from the water only to be shoved back down. The air I'd managed to gasp into my lungs with the water made a quick exodus as she slammed my head into the porcelain tub.

 

My whole world began to spin, to fade. Before I lost consciousness completely she pulled me out. I hit the floor in an unceremonious heap of flesh and bone.

 

Twice she punched me in the face, connecting each time with my right cheekbone before leaving my body on the floor, pooled in the freezing water from the bathtub.

 

I awoke in a panic, frantically fighting, trying so hard to hold on to life. I heard my name being called, but through the fog of the nightmare and remembered terror, it did not register that it was Mykel's voice I heard.

 

Waking was a blur, the next thing I remembered was being pinned against something warm and solid. The fight left me, as it had so many times before that moment, resignation consuming me. It was some time before Mykel's voice broke the effluvium of my past. 

 

"It's just me, Mattie. It's me, it's alright. You're safe now, mon bonheur. You're safe."

 

I wrapped my arms around his that circled my body. He continued speaking to me, calming me, holding me. He pulled me down supine and curled me around him, holding, embracing, soothing.

 

He held me close, whispering words of comfort and I held onto him like he was keeping me afloat.

 

"I don't like water," I said suddenly, my mind still flashing scenes of my childhood.

 

He was silent for a moment, his fingers tracing over my skin. "I noticed that."

 

I had almost forgotten my spill into the pond, so caught up as I was. I shrank away or began to before his arms tightened around me ever so slightly. 

 

"I'm sorry," I said, my eyes filling. I turned my head into him so he would not bear witness.

 

He pulled me closer, not allowing me to retreat and hide from him.

 

"For what, Mattie?" he asked me, his voice gentle and reassuring.

 

"I shouldn't have run like that. I knew the pond was there. I know I can't swim. I know I'm terrified of water."

 

He kissed my forehead. "Mon bonheur," he whispered to me, "we're all running from something. I won't let the water drown you."

 

My weakness came back, pouring forth like a title wave, the cotton of his shirt soaking the evidence within the fabric as he held me.

 

"I'm scared of drowning. Of...of being drowned." I paused, my face still unexposed, hidden in the expanse of his broad chest. He lay on his side, his arms supporting me as I began to shake even harder. "They...they'd..." I could not say it. I had never said it aloud before.

 

"Take your time, Mattie. I'm not going anywhere," he told me.

 

"They would f-fill the tub with water...so, so cold...and h-hold-hold-hold me down under it. It was my punishment for crying too loudly. For...breathing...they would hold me under until I almost passed out...then they'd let me breathe before shoving me back under again. It was their favorite thing to do to me."

 

"Jesus Christ," I heard him whisper before he tightened his grip on me. "You're safe now, Mattie. I swear, I won't ever let anyone hurt you again."

 

His words made me almost smile. I wanted so badly to believe him.

 

When next I awoke, I awoke alone. A glance at the bedside clock said it was seven AM. I felt over to the other side of the bed, it still held the slightest bit of Mykel's body heat.

 

I smiled. He stayed with me. He...didn't leave me.

 

Mykel then materialized into the room, sneakily quiet as if an attempt to not rouse me.

 

He turned, paused in seeing me watching him, and smiled slowly. His smile did not attenuate as he slid back into bed next to me.

 

"Did I wake you?"

 

"No. My mind must have realized I was supposed to be awake already," I said sheepishly, pointing at the clock.

 

His smile, always his smile...to this day his smile melts away my fears. I digress...

 

He lightly poked my nose and got out of bed. His face changed then, more serious, cautious even, and he reached out his hand to me. I frowned, nervous, suddenly feeling cautious myself with the abrupt shift in the atmosphere.

 

I took his hand, my heart pounding, everything telling me to Run! Run! Run! but I could do no more than look in his eyes.

 

"Liz gave you a few days off," he said looking at me. I could not read his expression and that did not alleviate the patulous anxiety spreading within me.

 

"Mattie, if...I've been thinking a lot about what you said last night. About you being afraid of water and..." He paused and looked at me, his smile now wavering and unsure. Where was he going with this? I did not want to be anywhere near water. My hand tightened in his, and he brought his free hand to cover mine. "If I ask something of you, will you do it?" My eyes filled with water...that dreaded substance...and I looked away. "Mattie..." He waited but when I did not look to him he continued speaking anyway, "you must know," he began, "I would never do you harm. And that I want to help you."

 

"What do you want me to do?" I heard myself whisper in return. When my eyes cleared I found my gaze was directed at our linked digits. My knuckles were white with tension. It reflected the state of my whole being.

 

The request sucker punched me in the balls; apparently, I was not as prepared as I had originally assumed myself to be.

 

"Take a shower with me. We both have pond muck all over us. I mean, I put us under warm water to get our body temperatures up, but you were pretty out of it.

 

"Hey." He drew my face toward him. "I won't hurt you. I won't let you get hurt."

 

I could not speak but closed my eyes in silent consent. Slowly he turned me around, facing the adjoining bathroom. I felt him behind me, so close. His skin was up against the layered cotton shirt I had on. We stood still. I jumped slightly as I felt his arms wrap around me. Hugging me, he gently rocked as he began to sing softly against my cheek.

 

Rise up this morning

Sit with the rising sun

Three little birds 

Pitch by my doorstep 

Singing sweet songs 

Of melodies pure and true

Singing this is my message to you

Singing don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing

Is gonna be alright

 

By the time he stopped singing and I consequently opened my eyes, I reflexively stepped back. We were in the bathroom.

 

The room itself did not give me as many problems entering when I was going to brush my teeth, but if that little boy within knew the destination was the tub and not the sink, he instantly collapsed into hysterics. 

 

"Mattie." I blinked and Mykel was standing in front of me. "Look at me. There you go." He smiled. "Hi, mon bonheur. It's just a room. The room didn't hurt you. The people that did aren't here. See?"

 

I glanced around knowing he was wrong. They lurked behind every wall. Behind every door.

 

It remained the two of us.

 

"See?" He asked again and I nodded. He smiled.

 

"Can I turn on the water?" he asked then.

 

My hand clenched around his and my breath caught. I already felt like I was underwater.