Chapter 4

Aria comes from a loving family, surrounded by genuine friends who look out for each other, and a lifestyle that may not be extravagant but is comfortable. There were no obstacles in her life path. Everything Aria could possibly need was already provided or given to her.

Aria was well-aware and acknowledged that to be born in such circumstances is a blessing, but she could never truly feel so. She couldn't shake off the feeling that this wasn't where she belonged, and she'd been stranded in an unfamiliar place all alone.

No matter how much Aria rationalised and convinced herself that this feeling will pass with time, it never did. Instead, it only grew stronger the longer Aria left it alone, so much so that she started to feel guilty to all who loved her.

Aria was incapable of reciprocating the affections and concern they showered her with. Hence she was burdened with the obligation to pretend that she appreciated it, constantly wrecking her brain to act out how regular people would respond. What came naturally for others, Aria had to rationalise to understand. Even if it was fake, Aria believed that this was better than nothing at all. At the very least, she should give back at least this much.

However, as the years went by, Aria began to realise that no matter how much she pretended, it could never make up for the lack of sincerity behind her actions and words. However, there was nothing she could do about it. No matter how hard Aria tried or how long she waited, she still couldn't return back their feelings. So she could only continue down the road she first set foot on, to pretend, but there was only so much Aria could pass off as real. It gradually became harder to keep up the act, that some times she messed up and inadvertently showed her indifference.

Their shock, anger, and disbelief at her blatant disrespect after having caught on to her act. Which later led to disbelief when they learnt of the truth, convinced that she was mocking them. Only a few chose to forgive and trust her again. But only on the pretext that she tries to fix this condition of hers. Telling her that it was unnatural, weird, disheartening.

Not wanting to be deserted by the few that chose to remain, Aria lied for the final time. She promised them that she would work on it and one day possibly be cured of it. But Aria knew better than anyone else that it would never go away. It was merely her disposition, and she couldn't change that no matter how much she hated it.

So she continued living in a world surrounded by people who could never understand her even when she tried to explain. Aria started to believe that she would never be accepted or understood. Never finding a place where she was welcomed, doomed to drift forever in this foreign place that is supposedly her home. To always be the odd one out, never finding a place where she belonged and could call home.

And it lasted until one day, Aria fell in love for the first time.

Feelings Aria had never felt before coursed through her entire being, overwhelming her senses in an instant, but it didn't scare her. Instead, it excited her, and with it, a wave of relief. Because this proved to her that she too could care about someone. She could feel genuine affection and be concerned for another, even to trust another enough to entrust her life to.

Though it wasn't the feeling of home, it still provided her with a place to escape to. A place that reminded Aria that she could still be like the others, that she was only a little bit different. And due to Arias' insecurity, she developed an abnormal attachment to the concept of love. Even going so far as to view him as her territory, wishing to maim any that trespasses. Wanting to lock him up so that he could never leave her, that no one can lay eyes on what was hers.

Though Aria was inexperienced and ignorant, she was vaguely aware that her emotions' intensity is abnormal. Again, another abnormality. The closer Aria got to him, the more she couldn't turn away from that fact. But Aria did still truly love him, and she didn't want to end up hurting him. And so to keep them both safe, she held it back, restrained it, and locked it up tightly to never see the light of day.

Ironically, what ended up driving him away wasn't Arias' intensity but the lack thereof. She was too dull, too bland. Even after giving him her everything, it still wasn't enough to make up for what Aria couldn't provide. Desire.

The sudden loss of what gave Aria hope to be somewhat normal tore her shattered heart to shreds and drove her to despair, yet Aria could only mourning silently and alone. If she had let anyone else know the true reason behind her tears, everyone would call Aria out for the monster she is. Cruel and cold-blooded.

Aria could only struggle to stay afloat in the turbulence of her heart, braving the fear that she could possibly never grasp that feeling again. And the calm seas Aria had been drifting in was no longer as quiet as the surface led her to believe. A single mistake would lead to Arias' drowning, swallowed into its depths, and never resurfaced again.

After treading lightly and cautiously for months on end, Aria discovered a loophole. She just had to fall in love again; the person in question never really mattered. Hence out of desperation, Aria sought out substitutes. Replacements to fill up the spot the previous had left empty. To fulfil a role that was anything but love.

And somewhere in that endless cycle, he appeared by Arias' side. Quietly assimilating into her life without ripples, and by the time Aria became aware of him, she had already subconsciously accepted his presence by her side long ago.

Now that Aria's not alone, at the end of every cycle, Aria could mourn without guilt and still have him be beside her, silently supporting her and giving her comfort. Aria knew that she didn't have the rights to cry after having approached them with impure intentions, even if she truly did love them in the end. Aria was genuinely hurting from all the repeated heartache, but she didn't feel qualified to cry despite so. But she did feel a little more refreshed after letting out all the feelings she had bottled up inside. And so, at the end of every cycle, there was a new step to the routine.

Find a suitable candidate. Fall in love. Last for as long as possible. Lose him. Mourn for the loss and heartache. Repeat.

Though he never spoke nor touched her, just staying close and never straying too far away, it was plenty enough for Aria. It was a first for Aria to feel that she didn't have to pretend to be normal, that she was free of devastating consequences if she was found out. No matter what Aria did, he never left. Aria never bothered to wonder what he was and why he still stubbornly stuck to her side, despite recognising how terrible she was. Because that's just how it has always been. Never demanding nor expecting anything from her, just being there by her side whenever she needed him.

Gradually, Aria began to take him for granted. Since he never asked anything of her, it had never crossed her mind that one day he would leave her too, just like all the others. Nor did Aria expect him to be the whirlpool she had been so carefully avoiding and the one she so willingly jumped into.

It was the end of yet another cycle, one step closer to the thin line that separates sanity and insanity. Aria began to grow weary, losing hope and the will to continue struggling forth to fit into this world. She started to entertain the thoughts that she didn't want to try anymore, give up and just end it all so she wouldn't have to suffer any longer. She had worked for so long, dirtied her hands and stained herself all to remain here just a little longer. Surely, she had done more than enough. Though she could only hope for her loved ones to understand and not condemn her for her actions.

Breaking away a little from the routine, Aria cried so hard that her eyes were swollen, and her head felt like it was splitting in half. Crying till no tears could fall anymore, Aria decided to sleep to escape from the pain and her thoughts, even if it was only temporarily. However, just as she was slipping into the darkness, she felt a familiar presence by her side. Only this time, it was much closer than ever before.

He reached out and touched Aria for the first time, easing the pounding that had been wreaking havoc in her head. The moment Aria felt his hands touch her skin, the feelings she had long given up hope on obtaining invaded her system, overriding all the common sense she learnt of the world she'd been thrown into.

Only one thought reverberated from the depths of her soul, telling her that this was it. It's been him all along—her home, and with that, his name.

Amon.

Forcing her heavy and puffy eyes open once again, Aria only managed just a slit. Nevertheless, it didn't stop Aria from calling out his name for the first time. It was the first time, yet it rolled off Arias' tongue so familiarly like she'd done so so many times in the past.

Even though Aria couldn't see his expression, she could faintly feel what Amon felt. Surprise, exhilaration, devotion, and obsession. A restrained morbid love, much like hers. It strangely appeased and gave Arias' tired and strangled heart peace, and her eyes closed again, slipping into a deep slumber.

But that brief promise of serenity didn't last long. The next morning, Amon never appeared from when Aria opened her eyes till her heavy eyelids closed. But Aria had never taken the time nor effort to understand him better, so she chose to believe that he just couldn't be by her side at this moment. Given how obsessed he was with her, he could never leave her side willingly. So Aria waited.

For days. To weeks. Then months.

The possibility of the truth is that she'd been abandoned weighed down heavily upon Aria, and the longer she waited, the heavier it felt. Aria didn't want to consider it, much less believe it. However, it was a fact that Amon had disappeared for months without warning. Aria couldn't conveniently turn away from the truth again, not this one, and nothing would change if she just kept waiting. So with renewed determination and strength, Aria decided this time it was her turn to look for him. Last time, it'd been Amon who found her first, so it was her turn to return the favour.

Yet each passing second chipped away at Arias' soul, gradually leaving her only an empty husk with only the instinct to look for Basil wherever she went. And soon, Aria believed that Basil indeed abandoned her. For whatever reason, Aria would never know, nor did she deserve to know. After everything she'd done, Aria felt she didn't deserve him in the first place. She only kept on looking so that she could apologise even if it didn't mean a thing to Amon.

The memories and feelings accompanying it dragged her deeper into the bottomless sea. But the more desperate Aria gets, the more it fueled her raging desire to find Amon. However, despite running till sweat covered her skin and her lungs burning and aching for oxygen, she still couldn't find him.

Her body begun trembling, her eyes teared up, and her knees buckled and gave way. Aria once again dove face-first into the soft grass from the inertia, but this time, she didn't get back up. Instead, Aria laid in that same sprawled out position from when she fell, an endless stream of tears flowing down her face to form a small puddle where it fell.

The dread, the emptiness and loneliness like a black hole in her heart, and the suffocation that continuously stifled her all magnified and consumed Arias' entire being. The despair of having the hope she had held on to tightly and fiercely chased ground to dust mercilessly pushed her back into the all too familiar abyss of despair.

She couldn't understand. If he wasn't intending to let her see him, then why give her hope by letting her catch sight of him. The strain and accumulation of her distress broke her further, and for the first time in Aria's life, she shouted in a broken cry the questions she had buried deep in her heart to empty air.

It no longer mattered whether Amon was truly there to hear her cries anymore. It didn't matter whether she could get the answers to her questions and doubts. She just wanted to scream to the heavens, and that happened to be the first thing that came out.

"Why!

Why did you leave me!

Without a word or a warning!

Is it because of what I'd done?!

Is it because I've been touched by too many men?!

Or is it because I treated them as tools rather than human beings?!

Am I too cold?!

Too cruel?!

Too cold-blooded?!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

The branches swayed, and the leaves rustled. Unaware that her surroundings were darkening, Arias' hoarse voice broke from the strain she stressed on it.

"When you left, I regretted! For not giving you any attention! For taking you for granted! For having let other men touched my body! I regretted even seeing them as convenient pieces in the first place!

But I can't change anything no matter how much I regret it!

Someone like me is your other half, is that why you left?!

I'm dirty! Filthy! Evil!"

Arias' aggrieved cry of pain, sadness, and hatred gradually softened to whimpers. The small puddle beneath her now reflected the dark clouds gathering above.

"I understand if you can't accept someone like me. You deserve someone so much better."

Every self-deprecating word that flowed out of Arias' mouth pierced Amon' core. The shadows trembled slightly in tune with his agitation to refute every word. Still, despite whatever he was feeling, Aria continued in a whisper barely audible over the silence of the gradually forming enclosed area with her as the centre point.

"You could've just told me. I would never blame you." She muffled as her face was stuffed into the crooks of her arms. Her swollen eyes shut tight, and her legs were curling to her chest.

She remained silent for a while, sobbing silently with only the violent trembling of her back as evidence of her still crying.

When the area around her darkened until nothing could be seen, she begged softly one last time.

"Answer me. Please."

A dense mass of black shadows squeezed and squirmed as if almost alive, silently gathering together to form a vaguely humanoid figure. And once it settled down, a scratchy, deep rumbling noise like the call of death sounded above Arias' head, calling her name.

"Aria."