Till My Last Breath

The leaves rustling intermingled with the bustle of my friends. The chilly wind caressed my frozen cheeks. My feet were as heavy as lead, but my body was as light as a feather. Taking in the surreal sensory experience, every vivid sensation reminded me painfully of the fact that I was still alive.

While immersing myself in the pain, a familiar voice called out to me. "Aria! Move your ass and help us with the tents!"

I reluctantly opened my eyes and turned to look at where Nathan's voice came from.

Across the camping grounds, Nathan's figure was huddled together with Kaitlin and Alex. All 3 were hunched over the tents with busy hands.

Slowly shuffling my way over, I observed the camping grounds. Together with my clubmates, we had rented this space for our last bonding trip as graduating members of the Outdoor Adventure Club. A designated area for pitching tents, a barbeque and campfire pit in the center, bathroom facilities by the entrance, and a large open space separated from the forest by a fence. It gave the closest feeling one could get to camping outdoors, while still having access to convenient facilities.

When I joined the trio, they only had one tent left to set up. Their speed and efficiency in completing tasks are as astounding as always.

"You're so slow. You're setting the last one up on your own." Nathan grumbled.

Like an opening to the start of another lengthy lecture, Nathan's nagging began. Complaints about my lack of initiative, why it was bad, and how it would negatively impact me. How I could be doing better, and ways to improve. Nathan never seems to tire from imparting his wisdom to me. Though the routine was a little tiresome, it was evidence of the kind nature hidden behind Nathan's prickly personality. What a pity that not many can see that.

While Nathan's mouth moved, his hands never stopped. As usual, the grumbling before were just empty threats.

Alex and Kaitlin laughed and signaled to me that they were going to help Linus at the barbeque pit. As they passed by me, Kaitlin patted my shoulder and winked. Giving me a thumbs up with a shit-eating grin on her face. I didn't have to guess what she was hinting at.

Nathan's not-too-discreet feelings for me was an open secret in our club. Maybe out of respect for a friend, no one came forward to pierce through the paper window. Instead, they tried their hardest to hint at me in the most painfully obvious ways. It was difficult playing dumb.

Since a long time ago, I have been aware of Nathans' feelings. After all, whether he realised it or not he was being pretty obvious about it.

Nathan was always attentive to me, and he willingly took care of me despite his complaints. It would've been fine if everyone else received the same attentive treatment. However, it was apparent that it was exclusive to me alone.

However, I could never accept, much less return, Nathan's feelings. So I chose to pretend to have not noticed anything, as dense and oblivious as a rock.

As per the usual routine, slightly tilting my head to the side, I feigned confusion with a small perfunctory smile. With another successful defense, Kaitlin sighed and looked at Nathan with sympathy. Then she finally left to catch up with Alex and headed over to the barbeque pit glued together.

Squatting down beside Nathan, I had intended to do my part. However, probably because I was moving too slowly Nathan had already done most of the work. Turning my head enough to see Nathan from the corner of my eye, I whispered. "Thank you."

Nathan stole a quick glimpse of me and his cheeks flushed a little. He snorted then sped up his movements.

Turning my head back, my mind wandered back to the unsolvable question floating in my heart.

What was there to like about me?

I had long lost my attachment to life, and I never made an effort to hide that fact. Exhausted and lethargic. Lazy and unmotivated. I wouldn't care if one day I just dropped dead. I hate and despise myself.

How could anyone love a person overflowing with self-hatred, and no longer cherished their own life?

But I didn't need to understand. Nothing would change if I did. I would still pretend to be blind until the day Nathan confesses, then I will properly reject him.

"You're hopeless, aren't you? You're not even half done." Nathan's blunt words pulled me out of my thoughts as he naturally took over what I'd been doing.

"Oh, thanks."

"I'm not doing this to help you, you're just too slow." But the tips of his reddening ears peeking out from underneath his hair gave him away.

"You're nice," I commented under my breath like I was talking about the weather.

Nathan's hand holding the pole shook a little, nearly dropping it. He turned to me with a red face and groaned out, "Shut up."

Sealing my lips shut, I turned back to the task at hand. Nathan's gaze lingered on me, then he huffed under his breath before he got busy again.

"Done, let's go." Nathan stood up as he declared.

Uncharacteristically, I got up quickly on my own. Nathan looked a little regretful as he took back his slightly raised hand. Without waiting for him, I shuffled my way over to rejoin the rest at the barbeque pit. With my slow pace, it only took two strides for Nathan to catch up to me.

Just as Nathan stood by my side, an intense gaze bore through my back.