With my bedroom door cracked open, I can hardly hear my mother answer the door.
"Hello, can I help you?" She asks whoever is there.
"Yes, I'm looking for Ms. East. I'm assuming she's your daughter. Alpha Grant is expecting her presence."
"Yes, she's upstairs. Might I ask what for?"
"I was told nothing but to retrieve her."
Well, I know his last name. That's something. It's not enough, but still something. I know of him, this Alpha, his pack is a little farther than the ones that usually come to the gathering. It's a strong pack, one of the strongest. That's all I know.
I know my mother is going to call for me, but I do not want to go downstairs and off with this stranger. He was told to retrieve me, so the Alpha told him to do so. Part of me wishes that the Alpha would have continued to ignore my existence, just as he did when we had our encounter on the path. Maybe he is going to reject me. Maybe that's why he needs me—it's only for a moment then.
It will hurt, I know that. I can't help it.
"Rae, there's a man here for you," my mother calls, on queue.
Glancing at my bag, I sigh and head through the door, ready to get this over with. It'll just take a minute; then I can go back to the way things were, my lovely, mateless life. Maybe I'll move to the city, live amongst the humans and pretend to be one of them. Humans die alone sometimes, so I will fit in there. We'll all be alone together.
I'll be shunned from my pack, hell, the entire werewolf kind will reject me if they find out, but I don't need them in my life. I can live as a human. It sounds pleasant, the human life.
What a dream.
"Rae," my mother calls again, and I steadily make my way down the stairs.
It will only take a second, I repeat to myself, chanting in my head. It will hurt, the rejection, but I'll be okay. I've lost people in my life. I know how this works. If only the mate bond was nonexistent—it would be a breeze without it. "I'm here," I say at the bottom, and the two look to me. "Where are we going?"
The man in the door is tall and well built, likely one of his guards. "To the Alpha, at your pack house. He is with your Luna and Alpha, but he will give instructions on what to do."
Instructions? "For what?"
"It's best if you leave the questions for him."
I look to my mother, and she seems somewhat excited by this. She must not know that he's going to reject me, or maybe she does. Maybe she's just trying to hide it so I won't be too upset about it.
"Alright," I murmur, "let's make this quick."
I know where the pack house is, but I have never been inside like most of my pack. It is where the Alpha and Luna live, where important people stay, where they love each other and make love until the sun dries up the sky. That is at least what the girls daydream about. They dream about the Alpha, what it would be like to be mated to him, the feelings, sensations only he could give. Some girls say that's why the Luna is so happy and so pregnant half the time. She's had her third child, and anymore seem crazy to me. Who am I to judge, though?
I follow the man, walking a few steps behind him. He will glance back at me, maybe making sure that I haven't run away off into the trees. He knows too, doesn't he? He knows that I'm going to be rejected. I wonder if he feels bad for me.
Can an Alpha reject their mate? Sure, but it is not a good option unless they have a woman with Alpha blood to replace her. And even the woman of Alpha blood—a highly desired woman—isn't as good as a Mate. Nothing can replace ones true mate, but I suppose this Alpha Grant has his backup for when he dumps me. He must have a woman with Alpha Blood, someone beautiful and worthy. I'm sure she could do better than me anyway, his true mate or not.
While lost in my thoughts, the guard grabs my attention when he comes to a halt. I peer up and realize that we are here. He is just inside, a few steps away, so close but so far.
I swallow, preparing myself for the inevitable heartbreak.
It will just take a minute.
It is a rare thing, to enter the pack house unless you are someone worthy, which I am clearly not. I am a woman about to be rejected by an Alpha, surely not worthy. Heck, I should be grateful to stand on the porch.
The guard does not knock, but confidently opens the door, and I hesitate before following him inside. There are voices further in, and just before I expect to unmask their owners, the guard turns down a hallway. Quite confused and lost, I follow him like a child without their mother to guide them. Too young to be making such decisions.
Oh Goddess, I smell him. That scent that I can't describe in less than a hundred words. It is everything wonderful all in one cologne, and somehow, it works. The further down the hall we walk, the more potent it grows, wrapping around me like a warm blanket. I could fall asleep in its arms.
There are two large, white doors and one of them is cracked open. The scent bleeds from there. He's behind those doors, and I brace myself for impact. The guard pushes past, and I have the need to ditch the situation, but it's too late, I too, am inside. He sits in a chair in front of a desk, I'm assuming my Alphas desk, and he looks up, and I crumble. The door closes after the guard, and we are alone. I am alone with a stranger.
I can't move. The sight of him hurts. It's like staring at a glass of water when ones been deprived for ages. I am quickly becoming dehydrated, and my lips turn dry.
I don't want to be here with him; I don't want to be anywhere at all. There is no place for me, and under his gaze, I shrink to a pulp. This man, this Alpha, my alleged mate, makes me feel like nothing to him. He is the King, and I am a peasant.
He stands up, looking down at me, ready to stomp on the bug, ready to squish it.
He says firmly, "Be ready tomorrow morning."
What? Doesn't he have the time to reject me now? "For?" I murmur, too nervous to talk normally.
"We leave tomorrow morning. The man who brought you here will take you home and get you around eight," his voice—words confusing me—sounds like a dream. I want him to whisper in my ear how much he—wait. "You're free to go."
Only registering the word 'go,' I nod slightly and push back past the closed door. Like a drunk woman, I stumble a bit and I find the man who fetched me, the dog walker.
He begins to walk away, and I know I am supposed to follow him. I do so until we are freed from the pack house, back out in the open air. "That's alright, I-I can make it from here," I tell him.
"It's not my choice," he says, bored.
We continue to walk, and I grow further from him with each step. At some point he pauses until I have caught up a bit, then he carries on.
My head pounds, repeating his words with every pulse. We leave tomorrow morning. We leave. Morning. Leave. Tomorrow. Be ready. It's causing my stomach to rise. Around eight. Eight. You're free to go. Free to go. Free. I feel as if I'm going to throw up.
I wobble up to the door and wave back at the guard, but he's already turned away from me, on his way back to wherever he came from. With a moan of tiredness and confusion, I fall inside and close with the door behind me, needing the wood to stable myself.
Without a minute to breathe, my mother appears. "So? What happened?"
I want to yell at her. Nothing happened! It doesn't matter! But I restrain myself. "I can't talk right now. We'll talk in the morning."
I move past her, and she seems taken-back. "What? In the morning? What happened, Rae?"
"Please," I say, heading for the stairs, "not now."
In my bedroom I find peace, and I fall back onto my bed, taking in the silence.
He said we're leaving tomorrow morning at eight. Who is 'we?' 'We' better not mean us. And 'us' better not mean him and I. That wouldn't make sense. Why on earth would he need me to come with him? It is clear that he had no interest in me whatsoever, so why waste anyone's time? Must he take me to his pack to reject me? Or maybe he is going to kill me there, where everyone thinks I am safest.
I don't understand. Where are we going? I am assuming back to his pack as I said, as the gathering is over, but why? Why take me back? I will be an embarrassment to his pack.
I needed more information than that, but I didn't have the guts to ask, and I wouldn't have them now either. He sat there like a God. Who am I to question him? Only one word. For? That's all I could muster. What a weakling.
It's not like I am trying to impress him anyway. There's no point in that.
Finding it hard to breathe, I slide open a window and bring my face to the net. The air is cold in my lungs, sobering me up.
I am a blind man walking on a tightrope.
I lay in my bed for an hour before locating my runaway bag on the floor, hyping myself up for the reckless thing I am about to do. It didn't take much to convince myself, only a few scenarios and a look or two in the mirror. Only a stupid girl would think that Alpha Grant is taking me back to his pack to reject me, there is no point in that, it's ridiculous. I know who I am, what I am supposed to be. I know what I have convinced myself, and being mated to an Alpha is not part of my plan. It ruins everything.If I could, I would give him to one of the other girls, someone who he can love andlovewith no doubt. They would be so happy, telling everyone with a proud look, showing him off like a prize won. She'd be the perfect Luna, that girl.Tossing in the last of my things, I slide up my window and pop out the screen,
The guard leaves and I stay in my room, dreading the moment when Alpha Grant comes home. He said that he'll be here soon, which makes me restless, speaking that I'm inhispack house with myownroom. So much for a separate building. I can't lie to myself, the house is beautiful, my bedroom is a dream, and all of these feelings are making my head explode. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to hate it here, I was supposed to want to leave.The bedding smells like roses; my nose stuffed into the pillows as I lay here trying to collect myself. The soothing scent helps keep my mind off of his at the end of the hall, trickling through my door. It's going to wrap around my ankles and drag me down the hall, locking me in his bedroom for him to find me as a wild animal. His scent is not my friend, but an enemy.
I want to rip my hair out. Even with headphones in, I still know what they're doing in his bedroom. Even if I can't hear it, I can still feel it. It feels as if my nails are being yanked off one by one, my fingers bloody and shaking. I hate it. I hate him. I hate being here. I hate this feeling. It's as if he's wrapping his hands around my neck and slowly squeezing harder and harder, watching as my face grows pale, ignoring my begging.I sit in the middle of my bed—music blasting in my ears—and I try not to scream. All I want is to go home. I knew this was going to be a mistake, but what could I do to stop it? Run away like drunk Rae wanted?In this moment, after hearing such sounds echo from his bedroom, I'd rather him kill me. I want to rip out the mate bond from inside of me and burn it. In this moment, I no longer fear l
It has been a lonely week, but what did I expect? My day consists of eating breakfast, chatting with Gail and Theresa—the plump woman and her friend—eating lunch, listening to music or reading a book, hardly eating dinner, and going to bed. Throughout the day I become more and more depressed, and by dinner, I barely have enough fight in myself to eat. I call my mother every day and lie to her. I go on and on about how lovely everything is, and how I was wrong about not wanting a mate—it gives me something to do, to conjure up some fairytale."Today we went on a walk around the pack, he showed me around and introduced me to people," I say to my mother, the phone up against my ear as I lie on my bed. I've stolen the phone from the living room and put it in my room, knowing Alpha Grant won't come in to take it. "It was nice. The people here are nice."
Escaping across the borders isn't easy, but when I get across I don't stop running. I strip my clothes and shift, hair spurting, bones moving, cracking, my jaw being remolded, paws growing, nails hardening, eyes changing, glowing, I become a beast. With my clothes trapped in my teeth, I run. I am a monster lurking through the night, I am a girl desperate to live.I don't know where I am going, all I know is that I have to leave. So I am.By the time the sun begins to rise, I spot something in the distance, a clearing. A road. It was my first time on a road when I had journeyed to the Grant Pack, and seeing one again gives me hope. I hurry to it, making sure to shift and change beforehand just in case any cars come along.With a racing heart, I study it. Gazing off in each direction, wa
The mate bond is his name tattooed on my heart, never to come off, to be replaced or ignored. It's his face and body constantly floating through my mind because I ache for him, not able to control my wandering thoughts. The mate bond is a curse cast upon me the moment I saw him, and it was cast upon him, as well. Theodore's words linger in my head as he drops me off at the house—my excuse being pressed into me—and I can't help but hope.He may act like he doesn't care for you, but he can't control it.Alpha Grant can't control the mate bond, like me. He may be an Alpha, but he is no God. Even if he acts like he doesn't think once about me or care how I am doing, he can't control it, he can't help it. He must think about me just as I think about him. It's in the bond, my name is tattooed on his heart whether he likes it or not. But this is where I could get my ho
In the morning when he's gone off to do whatever an Alpha does, I near his bedroom doors hesitantly as if the ghosts of the people he's slain are pushing me towards them. My hand grips the handle but I let go as if it is coated in silver. He might kill me if he catches me in here. Okay, Iknowhe won't kill me, but the man still frightens me, and he takes away things I love. He may just kill my mother if he catches me in here, but I grip the handle again and push down, letting the door pull me inside with it.It's cold inside and dark. I feel for the light-switch, then I press them all down, the room dimly brightening up, just enough for me to move around. The windows are covered by thick curtains and I don't bother to move them.His scent is everywhere. It's sneaking up my legs, running its hands through my hair, kis
October17th, 1991I was in the bath last night and thought about drowning myself, then I realized that my body would never let that happen so grabbed my razor from the shower and broke it to get at one of the blades. I sat in the bath and repeatedly pressed it against my skin, but I was too scared of death to go through with it. I hid the broken razor under the cabinet where the little slot at the top leaves just enough room to hold it. He'd never see it. The only reason I found the slot was because I was looking hard enough. It is there with the blade, and I know I should not keep it, but it is nice to know that I have a way out.It has gotten worse. I never want to go outside anymore, and when I try to get dressed and look nice, everything I put on makes me upset because I hate everything I own. I