LOGIN“Jer! I know you’re home, open up!”
Ryan’s fist hammers against the door and the sound tears through the apartment, sharp and demanding. He’s here. Actually here, on the other side of that door, and I don’t understand how this is possible. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming to Jeremy’s—not my parents, not even Reina. The only person who knew I was going to the clinic was Reina, and I never mentioned Jeremy’s name. So how does he know? Jeremy’s already moving toward the door and panic floods through me so fast I don’t think, just react, grabbing his arm and digging my fingers into his sleeve hard enough that he stops. “Wait.” I say, pulling him back. “Please, wait.” He turns to look at me and I can see the confusion spreading across his face, his eyebrows pulling together. “What’s wrong?” “He can’t know I’m here,” I say, keeping my voice low even though Ryan’s still pounding on the door. “Please, Jeremy. Don’t tell him I’m here.” “Cam, I don’t understand, why would—” “Please.” My voice cracks and I hate how desperate I sound but I can’t stop myself. “I’m begging you. Just—don’t tell him. Don’t let him know I’m here.” “JER!” More pounding, violent enough that I’m surprised the door doesn’t splinter. “Come on, man, I know you’re in there!” Jeremy’s looking at me like he’s trying to solve a puzzle, his eyes searching my face, and I can see the war happening behind them—loyalty to his best friend versus whatever he’s reading in my expression right now. “Jeremy, please,” I whisper, and my fingers are still gripping his arm so tight I’m probably leaving marks. “I didn’t tell anyone I was coming here. Not my parents, not Reina, nobody. So if he knows I’m here, if he somehow knows—” I watch it click into place. His eyes widen slightly and his whole face changes, jaw tightening, and suddenly he’s not looking confused anymore. He’s looking angry. “Turn off your phone,” he says, voice dropping to a whisper. “Right now.” “What? Why would I need to—” “Cam, just trust me on this. Turn it completely off. Not silent, off.” My hands shake as I pull my phone from my pocket and hold down the power button, watching the screen go dark. “Good. Now come with me.” He grabs my duffel bag with one hand and my wrist with the other, pulling me down the hallway so fast I almost trip, shoving open his bedroom door and pointing toward the closet. “Get in there. Don’t make a sound no matter what you hear, understand? I’ll handle this.” “Jeremy—” “Please, Cam. Just trust me.” I slip into the closet and he closes the door, leaving just enough of a gap that I can breathe, and through the crack I watch him take a breath, roll his shoulders back like he’s preparing for something, then walk back toward the front door. I hear it open. “Took you long enough,” Ryan’s voice says, and it’s so close now, inside the apartment. “Where is she?” “Good to see you too, man,” Jeremy says, and he sounds so calm, so normal, like Ryan didn’t just pound on his door hard enough to wake the entire building. “What are you talking about?” “Don’t play stupid with me, Jer. Camille. I know she’s here.” My heart is slamming so hard against my ribs I’m convinced they can hear it from the other room, convinced every beat is giving me away. “She was here,” Jeremy says after a pause that lasts just long enough to sound believable. “Stopped by maybe five, ten minutes ago. But she didn’t stay.” “Where’d she go?” “Didn’t say. Seemed upset about something, wouldn’t really talk to me. Just grabbed some stuff she’d left here a while back and took off again.” “You’re lying to me.” “I’m not. You want to search the place? Be my guest.” I hear footsteps-heavy boots on hardwood, the kind of deliberate stride that says Ryan’s looking for something and I press myself back against the wall of the closet, trying to make myself smaller, trying not to breathe too loud. The footsteps get closer and stop right outside the bedroom. “The tracker said she was here,” Ryan says, and his voice is coming from maybe ten feet away now, just on the other side of the closet door. “Her phone pinged at this exact address fifteen minutes ago.” Tracker. The word hits harder than it should. He’s been tracking my phone. How long has he been tracking my phone? “Well maybe her phone’s not far from here then,” Jeremy offers, and I can hear him moving closer too, probably following Ryan into the bedroom. “She could’ve dropped it somewhere by accident.” I hold my breath as footsteps move around the room—I can see shadows shifting through the crack in the closet door, can see Ryan’s silhouette as he walks past. He stops. Right in front of the closet. I watch his hand reach toward the closet door handle and my entire body goes rigid, every muscle locking up because this is it, he’s going to open it, he’s going to find me, and I don’t know what happens after that but I know it won’t be good. His fingers wrap around the handle. “Ryan,” Jeremy’s voice cuts in sharp, and I hear him move closer. “Man, I already told you she’s not here. You really think I’d lie to you?” Ryan’s hand pauses on the handle but doesn’t let go. “Then you won’t mind if I look.” “Actually, I do mind. This is my bedroom and my closet and I’m telling you there’s nothing in there except my clothes and some shit I need to donate. You want to search the place? Fine. Search the living room, search the kitchen, hell, check under the couch if it makes you feel better. But I’m not letting you tear through my personal stuff like I’m some kind of suspect.” The silence stretches so long I think I might pass out from holding my breath. Then Ryan’s hand drops from the handle. “If she comes back here,” Ryan says, hand dropping back to his side as he turns away, “you call me immediately. You understand?” Relief crashes through me so violently I nearly gasp. “What’s going on, Ryan?” Jeremy asks, and there’s an edge to his voice now. “You disappear for three months without a word to anyone, and now you show up at my door in the middle of the day looking for your fiancée like you’re hunting her down. What happened?” Silence stretches between them and I can feel the tension even from inside the closet. “That’s none of your concern,” Ryan finally says, voice flat and cold. “Just call me if you see her.” “Sure, man. Whatever you need.” More footsteps, moving toward the front door this time. The door opens. Closes. I count to ten, then twenty, barely breathing, waiting to make sure he’s actually gone. “He’s gone,” Jeremy calls out, voice carrying down the hall. I shove the closet door open and stumble out, my legs shaking so badly I have to grab onto the doorframe to keep from falling.The second I see Ryan standing there in Catherine’s living room with his arms around Jeremy, every instinct in my body screams at me to move.I turn and push through the crowd of people holding paper plates and plastic cups, keeping my head down, moving as fast as I can without running because running would draw attention and attention is the last thing I need right now.My pulse is loud in my ears and I can feel sweat starting to form along my hairline despite the cool air coming through the open windows.I slip past a group of older women talking near the hallway entrance and duck into the first room I find, Catherine’s bedroom, pressing myself against the wall beside the door where I have a clear view of the living room through the narrow opening.Ryan’s still there talking to Jeremy and Jamel, his mouth moving as he gestures with one hand, and beside him is his mother, shorter than I remember with her dark hair pulled back in a neat bun, wearing a black dress and speaking quietly
He stands behind the podium and looks out at everyone gathered there, and for a long moment he doesn’t say anything, just stands there with his jaw working like he’s trying to find the words.Finally he speaks and his voice is rough but steady.“When I was a kid I used to draw my mom every single day,” he says. “I’d sit at the kitchen table with my crayons and my paper and I’d draw her over and over, and she’d look at every single one like it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen, even when it was just stick figures that barely looked like anything.”A few people in the congregation laugh softly through their tears.“She made me feel like I could do anything,” Jeremy continues, and now his voice is starting to shake. “Like I was enough, like I mattered, even when I didn’t believe it myself, she never stopped believing in me.”He pauses and looks at the casket, stares at it for a long moment.“I wasn’t ready to lose her,” he says quietly. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”The
The church is small and old with wooden pews that creak when you sit down and stained glass windows that cast colored light across the floor in shades of blue and gold.It’s fuller than I expected. People packed into every available seat, some standing along the back wall. Catherine was loved by more people than just her sons.I’m sitting in the front row beside Jeremy with Jamel on his other side, and Jeremy hasn’t said a word since we got here, just sits with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes fixed straight ahead on the simple wooden casket at the front of the room.There are flowers everywhere, arrangements sent by people who knew Catherine or heard about her passing, and the smell of lilies is so strong it makes my stomach turn a little.At the front of the church beside the casket there’s a large framed photograph of Catherine, and it must be from years ago because she looks so different from the frail woman I met in the hospital. In this picture she’s smiling wide, her e
Catherine smiles one more time, this tiny peaceful thing. “I love you both so much.”“We love you too, Mom,” Jamel chokes out.Her breathing is slowing down, each breath coming further apart than the last. Jeremy leans forward and presses his forehead against their joined hands.“Please don’t go,” he whispers. “I’m not ready to lose you.”“You’ll never lose me, baby,” Catherine says, so quiet I almost can’t hear her. “I’m always with you, always, no matter what.”Then her eyes close completely.Her chest rises one more time.Falls.Then—Nothing.The heart monitor lets out a long, steady beep that seems to echo off every wall in the small room.Jeremy’s head snaps up, eyes wide and disbelieving. “Mom?”The beeping continues, flat and endless. Nurses rush into the room, moving quickly and efficiently, and the doctor follows right behind them.They check Catherine’s pulse, check the monitors, and I watch the doctor’s face as he realizes what everyone in this room already knows.He look
Jeremy drives like the world is ending.Flying down the empty highway at speeds that make my hands grip the door handle, the streetlights blurring past in streaks of yellow and white.I don’t tell him to slow down because I understand, understand the panic driving his foot down on the accelerator, understand the terror that if he doesn’t get there fast enough he’ll miss his chance to say goodbye.The hospital appears in the distance and Jeremy takes the turn into the parking lot so fast the tires squeal, and he barely gets the car into a spot before he’s out and running toward the entrance.I follow as quickly as I can, my legs not quite keeping up with his longer stride.Inside the hospital is different at this hour, quieter somehow even though it’s never really quiet, the fluorescent lights seeming harsher against the darkness outside.Jamel is standing in the hallway outside Catherine’s room and when he sees us his face crumples with relief.His eyes are red and swollen like he’s b
When I come back to Jeremy’s room he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, and he’s holding one of the drawings in his hands, the stick-figure family with the three people and no dad.I close the door quietly behind me and walk across the room, sinking down onto the floor beside him without saying anything.He doesn’t look at me, just keeps staring at the drawing with his thumb brushing back and forth over the crayon lines like he’s trying to memorize every detail.The silence stretches out between us but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward, just heavy with all the emotions he’s feeling that he doesn’t have words for yet.Finally he speaks and his voice comes out rough and quiet. “I used to draw her every single day when I was a kid.”I look at all the portraits covering the walls, Catherine in so many different styles that show Jeremy’s artistic ability growing over the years.“She was my whole world,” he continues, and I can hear his voice starting to shake. “Af
I take a cab back to the apartment I share with Ryan—the one he pays for while I scramble to cover groceries and utilities with my bookstore salary and the second I walk through the door I know I can’t stay here.I can’t be here when he comes back from wherever the hell he’s been for three months.
I’m on the phone with Reina telling her about the new bookstore that opened downtown when Doctor Kent walks in carrying a manila folder.“Hey, the doctor just walked in,” I say into the phone. “Let me call you back.”“Okay babe, let me know what she says,” Reina says, and I can hear traffic in the
I wake up to the feeling of something cool pressed against my forehead and for a second I don’t know where I am, I don't remember how I got here.The ceiling above me isn’t mine.Neither is the bed.I try to sit up and a hand gently pushes me back down.“Easy,” Jeremy’s voice says from somewhere cl
Jeremy’s standing in the hallway watching me and the second he sees my face his whole expression shifts, concern replacing everything else.“Cam—”“Tracker,” I cut him off, and my voice sounds strange in my own ears, too high and unsteady. “What tracker was he talking about? How does he know where







