LOGINTHE HABITS I COULDN'T BREAK Morning arrived without asking whether I was ready for it.I wasn't sure I had slept at all. Every time I closed my eyes, I found myself back in Adrian's apartment, standing by the door with my hand wrapped around my bag while waiting for him to stop me. Somewhere inside me, a foolish part still believed he would call my name again and finally say the words I had waited years to hear.Instead, all he had asked was that I didn't make things awkward between us. It was strange how one ordinary sentence could erase years of carefully protected hope. By the time the first rays of sunlight slipped through my curtains, I had stopped expecting sleep to come. My heart was simply too tired to rest.I remained in bed until I heard movement downstairs. My mother was already awake. I could hear cupboard doors opening and closing, followed by the familiar whistle of the kettle. Life had continued exactly as it always did, and somehow that felt unfair.I wanted the world
THE THINGS LOVE NEVER PROMISEDI didn't cry until I got home.Perhaps that was the part that hurt the most. I had spent the entire drive convincing myself that I was fine. I had stopped at traffic lights, waited behind slow moving cars and even waved at a neighbour who happened to recognize me on my street. Anyone looking at me would have thought it was an ordinary evening. Only I knew that something had quietly fallen apart inside me. Adrian's words had followed me all the way home like my shadow, refusing to leave no matter how many times I tried to think about something else. “Elena, I never said we were”. They were simple words. Honest words. Yet they had somehow undone years of silent hope in the space of a few seconds.The house was already quiet like a grave yard when I stepped inside. My mother had left the porch light on as she always did whenever I came home late, and for reasons I couldn't explain, that small act of love nearly brought tears to my eyes. I slipped off my sh
THE NAME I DIDN'T EXPECTThe next evening, I spent far too long deciding what to wear. It was ridiculous, especially considering Adrian had only asked me to help him with something. Still, I changed outfits three times before finally settling on a simple black dress and a pair of low heels. I stared at myself in the mirror and frowned. Why was I dressing up for Adrian? He had seen me in every possible state. In oversized shirts, messy hair and even the ridiculous pink pajamas my mother had bought me one Christmas. There was no reason for my heart to be beating so quickly. I picked up my bag and forced myself to leave before I could change again.Adrian was waiting outside his apartment when I arrived. He was dressed in a dark shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and the moment he saw me, his eyes moved over me briefly before returning to my face. You're late. I glanced at my watch. I'm three minutes early. Still late by my standards, he said with a smile. I rolled my eyes
THE THINGS I KEPT IGNORINGThe next morning, I woke up with a dull ache in my chest. I had barely slept. Every time I closed my eyes, I heard Adrian's voice again. We grew up together. That's all. I had repeated those words so many times in my head that they had started to lose their meaning. Or maybe I was simply trying to make them mean something else. My phone lay beside my pillow, and I stared at it for several minutes before finally picking it up. There was no message from Adrian. I told myself I wasn't waiting for one, but by eight o'clock, I had checked my phone six times. By nine, I was angry with myself. Adrian and I had gone days without speaking before. Sometimes we argued. Sometimes he got busy. It wasn't unusual. There was no reason for me to be acting like a woman waiting for a confession that had never been promised. That thought should have comforted me. Instead, it made my chest hurt even more. I was halfway through preparing breakfast when my phone finally rang.
WHAT WE NEVER SAIDAfter that evening, I couldn't stop thinking about Adrian's hand leaving mine. It was such a small thing that I felt ridiculous for remembering it, yet my mind kept returning to the same moment. The laughter around us, my mother's teasing voice and the way Adrian had slowly pulled away as though he had suddenly remembered something. I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things. Maybe he had only wanted to reach for his drink. Maybe the conversation had made him uncomfortable because our parents were being too dramatic. There were a hundred possible explanations, and I clung to every single one of them because the alternative was too painful to consider.Adrian, however, behaved as if nothing had happened. The next morning, he sent me a picture of his breakfast and complained about the coffee. I replied with a laughing emoji, and the familiar rhythm of our conversations returned almost immediately.He told me about a meeting he was dreading, I complained a
THE WAY WE WEREThe next morning, I woke up before Adrian. His arm was still wrapped around my waist, his face buried against the back of my neck. For a while, I lay perfectly still, afraid that the slightest movement would wake him. Adrian slept heavily whenever he was tired, and I had always found it strangely comforting to watch him like this. Without his usual teasing smile or careless attitude, he looked younger. Almost like the boy I had grown up with.I remembered the first time I realized Adrian was handsome. I had been fifteen, and he had just returned from a summer camp. He had grown taller in the few weeks he was gone, his shoulders broader and his face sharper. When he walked into the living room, I had stared at him for so long that my mother eventually asked if I was feeling alright. Adrian had looked at me and laughed, completely unaware of the reason I couldn't stop staring. I had gone to my room that night and spent nearly an hour thinking about him. It was probably







