Chapter 4

The afternoon after the senior ball, I was tagged in the group chat.

Madison: [Claire! I'm so, so sorry. I forgot to give the pin back, and I wore it with my dress to the ball last night. When I got home, I saw that the stem was bent and one of the pearls was chipped.]

Madison: [Tell me how to make it up to you. Anything you want.]

She knew perfectly well that the pin was what had made Blake and me official.

Three years ago, on pinning night, Blake fastened it over my heart while the whole fraternity applauded.

He said, "Claire, from now on, this pin stands for me. It means I'm with you for good."

The pin's value to me had nothing to do with its price.

Blake knew that better than anyone.

But his message came in first.

Blake: [Relax, Madison. It's a pin.]

Blake: [Claire is the chillest person alive. She won't care about this.]

Chill?

That word brought last winter back to me.

I'd saved for two months to buy a dress for formal. Madison asked to borrow it for one night.

It came back with red wine stains all down the skirt.

Blake said, "Be chill about it, Claire. I'll cover the dry cleaning. Madison was the queen last night. Don't ruin it for her."

Three months before last Thanksgiving, Blake had promised to drive me home for the holiday.

Two days before we were supposed to leave, Madison mentioned in the chat that she'd be staying on campus for the holiday.

Blake immediately decided to stay and keep her company. Then he turned to me and said, "It would be too sad for Madison to spend the holiday alone. Babe, can I drive you home next year instead? You're so chill."

And last month, Madison borrowed the old vinyl record my mother had given me and played it at her party. It came back with a scratch across its surface, and it hasn't played a song all the way through since.

Blake forgave her on my behalf without asking me. "It's a record. Claire won't care. She's chill about everything."

Whenever I showed even the slightest hesitation, he'd ruffle my hair and say in that warm voice, "Come on. You're not going to hold it against her, are you? You're my sweet, chill Claire."

By then, he'd made a habit of forgiving her on my behalf, and he'd never once asked me what I wanted.

In the chat, Madison was still agonizing over it. [But it was a gift for Claire...]

Blake answered instantly. [It's not like it's one of a kind. I'll just get Claire another one. Stop worrying about it. Claire isn't going to hold it against you.]

I finally sent my first message of the day.

[Blake, I'm not as chill as you think I am.]

For two seconds, the chat went quiet.

Tyler: [Whoa, Claire herself is feeling chatty today. A rare appearance.]

A few seconds later, Blake called.

"Babe, what's wrong? Are you mad?" He kept his voice low, as if he were speaking to a child. "It's a pin. I'll get you a new one exactly like it, okay?"

"Blake, am I not even allowed to be mad?" I said. "You know exactly what that pin means!"

"I know. I know." He spoke gently, then turned it back on me. "Madison didn't do it on purpose. When she realized what she'd done, she cried until her eyes were swollen. She's your best friend. Don't hold it against her, all right?"

I took a breath. "Blake, who is your girlfriend? Have you started believing this King and Queen thing?"

There was a pause on his end.

Then laughter and noise spilled through the phone. Tyler shouted something, and Madison laughed her head off.

That stopped me.

"You're all together?"

"Yeah, we're having movie night at Tyler's," Blake said. "Madison feels awful about what she did to you. She cried all night. Tyler said we should take her mind off it."

A laugh escaped me, but there was no warmth in it.

I was the one with every right to be upset, yet they were sitting with Madison and sending me messages just to keep me quiet.

If I hadn't answered, I never would have known what a good time the three of them were having.

Madison leaned closer to the phone. "Claire, do you think maybe you're a little anxious?" Her voice turned sweet and soft. "Do you want me to book you a session at the counseling center? It really helps—"

Blake's voice came from beside her, perfectly calm. "She doesn't need counseling. She's overthinking. She'll be fine once she gets some sleep."

Overthinking.

Whatever.

I was done arguing about it.

I was leaving anyway. Whatever they did no longer had anything to do with me.

Right before the call ended, I heard Blake say softly to Madison, "Come on, we haven't finished the movie yet, okay?"

I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time, holding my phone with its screen dark.

Outside the window, night settled in, and pinpricks of light began to appear.

When it was fully dark, I opened my laptop, went back to the email, and clicked Confirm Placement.