what we shouldn't be

KENZ POV

CHAPTER ONE

"Fuck Jeremy,” I moaned as his hands slowly slid lower. The kiss was the most erotic thing I'd ever felt.

He pulled his top up, and I saw the most perfectly carved body.

“Get on your knees,” he commanded with his calm but deep voice.

I reached out for his trousers, maintaining deep eye contact like the world was going to end if I looked away.

Carefully, I took his zip down, and then…

“Kenz! Kenz!”

Mrs. Chaperone’s voice snapped me out of it.

“What’s so special outside the window that you can’t take your eyes away from?” she asked in her usual grumpy, dry voice.

“Oh… I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t realize I was drifting off,” I replied, realizing I had been daydreaming through the entire class.

“Well, you might as well drift out of the classroom. It’s been over for about ten minutes,” she said, picking up her handbag to leave.

I looked around the classroom. It was empty.

Fuck, how long was I out? My cheeks burned with embarrassment as I recalled I had been fantasizing throughout the entire last period.

I rubbed my eyes with both hands, adjusted my glasses, and picked up my bag to leave.

The school was unusually quiet and peaceful. The once bustling hallways were now quieter than a graveyard. Sunlight spilled through the walls, and for a moment, it almost seemed like somewhere I’d always want to find myself.

But hell no.

This was Greenville. Nothing about it made me want to live here.

Greenville always had this depressive, quiet, suffocating air around it. No matter what happened, it always remained the same. Most people probably didn’t feel the same way I did about the state, but maybe reality hadn’t hit them yet. Or maybe they weren’t queer like me.

As I walked through the hallway doors, my phone buzzed three times. Two texts from Toria and one from my mum.

How pathetic.

I opened Toria’s text.

“Hey, still alive?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” I replied almost immediately.

“Well, meet me at the coffee shop in exactly five minutes. And when I say exactly five minutes, I mean it. Nothing more, nothing less.”

She ended the text with a ticking clock emoji.

I snorted, then headed toward the shop, which was only a four minute walk from Greenville High School. I could hear distant chatter from the football guys practicing nearby. I recognized a few of them. They were the usual jerks, but I was pretty sure most of them had kissed or made out with some guys before. They just didn’t accept that it was gay. I mean, every single thing they did blinked queer red lights.

Showering together?

Sizing up each other’s length by directly touching and measuring it?

Drinking beer directly from each other’s mouths too?

Even Adlai, the most openly queer guy in Greenville, hadn’t done all this shit. I do wish I was Adlai sometimes, except for the part where he wears a mini skirt and pink panties that make his bulky ass very obvious while he walks.

I walked into the coffee shop and saw Toria sitting at the corner, looking dead as usual. She looked up and waved at me to come over.

“So, he lives,” she said dramatically.

“Only a matter of time before I don't.”

“Bro, stop saying shit like that. I really don't like it.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry,” I said, rubbing her tied up messy bun.

“So, what’s up? You look stressed,” she said while analyzing my face like she was studying something.

“Yeah, I am. It’s been a lot lately.”

“Family?” she asked, now looking more concerned than before.

“When has it not been family? But it’s more now. Final exam results, NYU acceptance, and, you know, just wondering if I’d ever be able to leave my family,” I said, picking invisible dirt off my nails.

“Oh well… just be calm about it. Soon you’d be one of those fuckably attractive New York college students. I’m talking about the Justin Bieber or Kanye West type of attractive,” she said, smiling sheepishly.

I laughed softly, almost spilling the coffee I had in my mouth.

“Firstly, Justin Bieber is not from New York, and Kanye is Black, but I do get your point.”

“Just be chill though. It’s gonna come through for you,” she said, patting my hands softly.

My phone buzzed. It was another text from my mum. Shit, I completely forgot to check the previous one.

“Where are you, Kenz? Fellowship is by 7 p.m.,” I read from the notification log.

“Fuck, I completely forgot about it. I have to go,” I said, standing up hurriedly.

“Go where?” Toria asked, stopping me from leaving immediately.

“We have this fellowship thing where we invite the church board, and they have dinner with us and blah blah blah. Basically all that churchy shit.”

Toria burst out laughing, but I didn’t have time to reply to her. I rushed out and waved goodbye before running home.

“Kenz! Where have you been? Didn’t you see my texts?” my mum yelled from the kitchen as I walked into the house.

“I completely forgot. I’m sorry,” I said, forcing a remorseful face.

“Forgot? Really, Kenz? We talked about this three days ago and even this morning, and you simply forgot? I could smack the hell out of your face right now, but I want you to look good for the visitors,” she said, holding a wooden spoon and looking completely enraged.

“Is the deaconess supposed to be cussing? I really don’t think so. You should say Hail Mary before the priest gets here,” I replied rudely as I walked upstairs.

“Kenz! Come back here. You don’t speak to your mother like that,” my dad yelled from downstairs.

The entire house smelled like food and candle wax. I hated that the candle wax stench was always left on my clothes.

I got to my room and collapsed on my bed, pulling out my phone to check for notifications or anything, but I got nothing.

How sad.

My mum’s voice came through the door.

“Kenz! You had better not be on your phone right now, or I’ll take it away from you.”

“I’m 19, not 6. Taking a phone away from me is not so much of a big threat.”

“Oh really? I don’t know what’s gotten into you, and I really do not care. You had better wrap it up and don’t disappoint me tonight,” she said angrily.

Then I heard footsteps stomping downstairs until the sound disappeared.

Those words rested on me like a weight, but it didn’t matter. They all talked to me like this, and I was used to it.

I walked into the bathroom and showered for about 20 minutes. The whole house was now noisy, and I could hear lots of footsteps downstairs.

I decided to sit around for a while before going out, then a notification from I*******m popped up on my phone.

“JEREMY_ISCOOL SENT YOU A MESSAGE REQUEST”

What the actual fuck?

I opened the text.

“Hey bunny, been a while.”