Semua Bab Cold Feet: Bab 31 - Bab 40

I think of my parents a lot these days. They were both unfaithful to one another. I don’t know who was unfaithful first but it doesn’t really matter. They divorced and I spent my weekends with one or the other until I graduated and left for university. I watched them with different partners and came to believe that the institution of marriage is nothing but a lie. Why tie yourself to one person legally? I didn’t know what caused more damage, their infidelity or fighting in the divorce. Never mind the fact that they both tried to use me as a bargaining chip in the process.After my experience, I realized how many of my friends were in the same situation. It was then that I decided to become a divorce lawyer.They say if you become a doctor or a teacher, you’ll always have work. People will always get sick and there will always be education, right? Well, you can add being a divorce lawyer to that as well. People will always get married and divorce

“That’s right,” I nod.“Why?”“Because you can’t even tell me sincerely if you want a second chance with me. He’s committed. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to turn him down just because you turned up.”“Well then what’s the point?” Grady asks. I can tell he is beginning to get upset.I reach across the table and grab the front of his shirt. I yank him towards me across the table and look him in the eyes.“Have I got you your attention pretty, big dick boy?”Grady nods.“Good. Then listen. You. Broke. My. Heart. Got it?”He nods.“Now, if you want a second chance, I’ll give you that but you’re well behind the curve so you better make up time and make it up quick. If you think taking a woman to a nice restaurant, telling her nice things, and making her laugh is going to get you laid then you’

I’m mad. I’m angry. He always does this to me. My inner voice says if he makes you angry, why are you standing here so close to him?Shut up, I tell my inner voice. I am close. Too close. But I don’t want to move away. This is my kitchen, after all. My apartment. Well, not mine, but you know what I mean.He’s gazing into my eyes and he’s close enough that I notice his eyes studying my face. They settle on my lips and I swallow. I lick my lips nervously before his eyes move down over my body.I take my coffee and turn away. I move around the small island in the middle of the kitchen and head for the door. He watches me go and then picks up his coffee and follows me.I lead the way to the living room and I’m pretty sure his eyes are on my ass. Why did I wear these shorts, I wonder?I remain standing as I wait for him to sit down. He takes his seat on the sofa where he sat before.

When I get home I have a few more drinks as I sit in the dark of my living room pondering my discussion with Lewis. I decide that he’s right. Much of what he said is true. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship before. That’s my own doing I know, but people change and I don’t feel bad about wanting to change. Why should I? On the other hand, it makes sense that I want to stick with what I know which is the one-night stand lifestyle. That would explain my longing for Viola. Maybe I’m only interested in her because she’s the one that got away. If we have sex, I might lose interest. Am I going to do that at the expense of a sure thing with Christine?When I think of it in that context I make peace with my thoughts and I’m grateful that nothing more happened between Viola and me.Feeling a sense of peace I head off to bed and drift off to sleep with a small thought knocking on the door of my mind. It’s small but it

That’s it. There’s nothing more to say or explain. I couldn’t expect any more or less. I look out the cab’s window and watch the city passing by. I feel as if I’m watching my dream dissolve and blow away in the wind. I had it all this time and I’ve thrown it away. I begin to cry silent tears. The cab ride seems to take forever.I think of all the times that the universe kept pushing me back into Rick’s path as if we were meant to be together.Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t that we were meant to be together. Maybe it’s because this industry isn’t for me. Maybe I don’t belong here and maybe it’s used Rick to throw me out again. I don’t know what I’ll do now. I can’t leave Los Angeles again. The opportunities are here. I’ll just have to find it. But that’s the least of my worries right now.I don’t receive any messages from Rick. Why would I? I guess he&r