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Lahat ng Kabanata ng a drink we call loneliness: Kabanata 41 - Kabanata 50

53 Kabanata

Chapter Forty - One

TheoMy phone pings, bringing me back to the present. I glance down at it. A couple of texts start rolling in one after another, covering my screensaver. (It’s Sam and I snogging before Bryce's wedding.) I lift it a little so I can unlock it with the Face ID feature.17:31 p.m. Bryce: hey um17:31 p.m. Bryce: everything okay at home?17:32 p.m. Bryce: PhotoI tap on the photo and I can’t help but gasp. It’s Sam back, taken from afar. I’d recognise his broad shoulders anywhere, the line of his neck and then his strong back...it's all too familiar. He’s leaning against the counter at the Starbucks near my flat. I know those chairs, and although most Starbucks shops are similar, there's something special to each one, and I've memorized this one perfectly. Before Sam, I used to go there a lot on Sunday mornings. That's when it's the most empty, before the city awakens, while families are still asleep. Now, sometimes we hav

Chapter Forty-Two

SamMissing Theo is terrible. I don't know how I lived before him when it was only me on this empty flat and he wasn't here to make me laugh or ask curious questions about my job. His absence becomes more and more painful as the weeks have drifted by. I try to keep myself busy during the day at work, I even stay longer or take up the weekend shifts to avoid coming home to an empty flat. My boss thinks I've become obsessed with work, but I'm just trying to pass the time.I wonder when I became so dependent on him because I remember feeling perfectly fine on my own before I met him. It's not healthy, but it is what it is, and now I feel like i might need to see my therapist again because it scares me to feel this way like I might stop breathing If I don't know where he is for a full day.Right now, I’m getting ready for yet another overnight shift when there’s a knock at the door. It’s the landlord, I can tell by the familiar knock. He always kno

Chapter Forty-Three

SamA night shift at the clinic is always peculiar, but now that I've got a student under my wing, things have at least gotten interesting. She's young and fresh, so it's fun to teach her all sorts of things. Tonight, Grace is going to be on her first full night shift, and I'm here to supervise, not go all hands-on unless something terrible happens.Sometimes, there are insane nights where patients come in one after another one, or one very complicated case is here all night. Those nights are hard because they're mostly freak accidents, and even when I have to call for backup and we're using all our resources, there is not always something we can do but ease the poor pet's pain.One never thinks about it when you first go into vet school, the grief.Even if you see these animals once in your life, you get close enough to them to understand their pain. You feel how hard they struggle those last few hours to stay here. In their eyes, I see how they don't wa

Chapter Forty-Four

Theo Argentina is cold this time of the year, and It somehow makes the town feel comforting and familiar. In the past few days, I've learned so much about their culture and food, that for a while it gets hard to believe England is all I have ever known. I love my country, and I can't deny its traditions are some of my favourite bits, but it's fun to see the way other people live. I wish I could see the world through Sam's eyes. I bet it would be even more fun, seeing him discover the world while I hold his hand. I hope someday I get to do just that, explore a coastal town hanging off his arm. For now, I have to settle for walking alone and thinking of him until I video call him once he's home, defeated from the day. He's always eager to see me, even if he's had a long shift. When I was staying at his place, he was always so easy to rile up when he was getting in bed after a night shift. I don't know what's that about, or why they made him

Chapter Forty-Five

SamGrace comes in early today, carrying a Tesco bag, and from here I can see the two meal deals."Lunch," she says with a grin, before setting it on my desk, "You're welcome, I got you the smoothie you like so much,"I grin back at her good memory. It's not like I'm hard to please, to be fair. I eat about anything and everything you set on my way, but it's nice of her to remember the specific one I like. So far, we've been working together for a little over a month and things are working out nicely. We're heading into October already, and as the city is cooling, I'm grateful to have someone here to hang out with. Dr. Lindt spends most of his time in London, looking at empty shops and whatnot for the branch he wants to open there. I'm secretly hoping he offers me a position there so I can move closer to Theo, but only time will tell. He's barely starting to make plans, so I think the opening won't be for another year.Now that I've got my off

Chapter Forty-Six

TheoMy aunt Ivy calls when I'm in the middle of a summit in New York. Now that I've worked my way up the continent, my bag is full of colourful knickknacks from the richest cultures I've seen yet. I panic a little, because she never calls directly, or picks up her phone.She's one of those people who avoid their phone until it's a necessary emergency, so I can't help but feel bile rising to my throat when I see her name on my screen, flashing like an omen. I leave my seat as smoothly as I can and grab my paper cup just to have something to fiddle with.My therapist says it's a big part of my anxiety, finding ways to release my tension, and although I'm really good at hiding it because of my upbringing, it's there. It's hard for me to give in to the urge to fidget because of how many times my hands or legs were slapped with a ruler as a kid. My mum never participated in this, since she passed away before I had to take all these lessons, and my father was too bus

Chapter Forty-Seven

Theo "I miss you, by the way," Sam says, halfway through destroying a supermarket croissant. He's not really looking at the camera, which means he's not looking at me either, instead he's staring at his computer at work. Now that he's doing night shifts for a bit, he calls me when he's at the clinic, and I despise it. When I first left, he was in bed and it felt more like an intimate moment between us, a sacred tradition. Now it feels like he's just checking something off his to-do list. I miss when I had his undivided attention, and I can't believe I feel this way. I used to think couples were gross about a year ago, and now I'm getting upset over my boyfriend having to work all the time. "Me too, loads. I don't sleep well when you are so far, honestly, it's the worst-" The sound of a door opening startles me, and he looks away from his computer towards his right, giving me a perfect view of his profile. He has terrible dark circles, but other

Chapter Forty - Eight

SamA week after our fight, right before Halloween, Theo flies home. I've been way too busy all week to plan proper dates, but then again, he's going to be here for three days, so it's not like we'll have much time. We made a joint decision to not tell his family so we could make the most of these few days. In some ways, it feels like we're trying to fix something, although I can't quite put my finger on what's exactly broken.I worked double shifts last week and this one so I could take the whole weekend, Friday included off. I haven't taken days off in ages, I can't remember what I used to do in my spare time besides cooking and sleeping all day. I rush through Thursday's shift, get the paperwork done nice and early so Grace doesn't get stuck here with it while seeing patients. I think she'll be fine since she's shown me she's perfectly capable of running things on her own, but I don't want to give her more than it's humanly possible. Especially since she offered to

Chapter Forty - Nine

Theo Sam stirs beneath me, from where he is still holding me, and I bury my face further in his neck. I haven't touched him this way in what feels like ages, and in general, I haven't been touched this intimately in a while. Now, feeling his warm skin against mine, and his strong arms around me is fantastic. He was a good lover as always. I don't know how he manages to put the right edge into his thrusts, and the perfect amount of eagerness and nerves in his trembling hands to make me feel desired. It drives me insane, the way his body finds his rhythm within mine, and the way his hips grind slowly against mine when we fuck this way. He's been asleep for a good hour now, and I can't blame him. He's overspent, overworked and even when he feels that way, he rode the train today so we wouldn't lose any time. His effort doesn't go unnoticed, and I am grateful for it, even though I wish he could've stayed for longer. If I had tried to stay for longer, it wou

Chapter Fifty

Theo I'm still at the table, picking up our containers and setting them on the stove when he is back in the room, with his shoes on and his work ID hanging around his neck. He walks around me and hugs me from behind. I feel his face buried in the back of my neck. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I'll be back later tonight. It's only six. I'll be back before midnight, promise." I roll my eyes because I know he can't see me. I understand his motives, and I feel sorry for the goat that's there in Swindon, but I hate him at the same time. "So much for a whole weekend together," I say bitterly, but lean back into him. "I understand. You have every right to be upset. I'm an idiot. I accounted for everything at the clinic except for the fact that Gracie isn't trained on livestock at all. I'm sorry, love," he says as he places his cheek against my back. I twist in his arms so he can see me, and then I step back, freeing myself from his arms. "I

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