Early May It was becoming a thing. An indecent, attention-seeking whore of a thing. As needy as a drug addict searching for their next hit.And when it struck it destroyed all the happiness in my heart, especially when Richard was already a day late. I’d expected him on Friday night, like usual, but work had its hooks in him, unrelenting.I no longer felt comfortable telling him everything that was going on because he stopped being as open in conversation.“Shit blew up, and I’m sitting here volleying emails with my bag sitting next to me trying not to break my laptop,” Richard said. The edge in his voice told me how pissed he was without the matching words.“Well, crap.” I rubbed at the space between my eyes in an attempt to ward off the headache that was coming on, mostly due to the agitation of work taking over again.Work was the one thing that demanded his attention, that snapped its non-existent fingers and made him jump. I couldn’t even get him to come with

 The previous weekend was a shit show. He slept on the couch that night while I cried myself to sleep. All I wanted was him. All I needed was him. To be present, to be mentally with me, to support me, but he’d checked out. The once-doting boyfriend was gone and in his stead was the VP.In the morning he ordered breakfast and I was moved when he handed me a hot chocolate. It was a nice gesture, and I tried to find an even ground. Still, it was hard to let go of how emotional I’d become about it all.I made him turn his phone off, and for a few hours it was just the two of us again.However, as the days rolled on, that bitch had her claws in him again. He arrived the night before near ten, having not left until five local time. I wasn’t feeling well, so we opted for a stay-in day, and I curled up on the couch while we binged a show on Annex.I could accept the occasional bleed of work into our weekends, but the bleed was nearly all the damn time. Half of the time he was still

 I took a deep breath. “Fuck, what a week.” Every day I’d been in endless meetings.Despite being the VP, I had been burning the midnight oil with Michael every night. It was easier to sleep on my couch than to go home. Thankfully I kept a change of clothes and a bag of toiletries in my office.The week had been hell, somehow worse than the prior fiscal year ends. I rubbed at my forehead as I finished up an email, my mind focused on the task.The phone rang four times, almost switching to voicemail when I got to it. Seeing Natasha’s name reminded me what day it was.Shit!I’d texted her nearly an hour ago and I still wasn’t out.“I’m on my way,” I said as I began logging off my computer.“Don’t bother.”I paused, trying to figure out if I’d heard her correctly. “What?”“Do you remember what today was?”“A doctor’s appointment. And I’m so sorry. I promise I won’t miss the next one,” I said, cursing myself out.“You promised you wouldn’t miss this one. This was the one

 Work kept me busy over the weekend and all of Monday, but even having all my focus on work could not stop the weight from settling on my chest or the pit that grew in my stomach every day. They weren’t feelings I was familiar with, but I knew they had to do with Natasha.Calling and texting had been futile exercises—she wasn’t answering.We were both angry, and the distance didn’t help.Though I wasn’t sure if it was her I was angry with. It was me. After she hung up on me, I realized why she was so upset. I’d missed a pivotal moment I could never get back in the life of my child. A moment when I should have been holding her hand and kissing her in excitement, and instead I was sitting at a conference table, firmly planting another wall between us.Why I kept doing it, I had no idea. My self-destructive moves were hurting more than just me. The walls were meant to protect me, but they were doing the opposite.I wanted to let her in. I wanted to drown in the feelings that w

 I wasn’t entirely sure how I got home. The whole drive back to Chicago I felt numb. My brain didn’t get on board until the next day when I sat at my desk with my view of Lake Michigan. The sun streamed in, and the beach was studded with bodies enjoying the warm weather. They were seemingly carefree, having a day off with no worries.There was nothing but turmoil inside me.I’d lost her.Each minute away from Natasha burned in ways I’d never experienced before. Weighted down with responsibilities, I’d been choosing the wrong ones to focus on.It hadn’t been twenty-four hours since I left her, but I’d never had a black cloud of this magnitude take up residence in my chest. Not even after my divorce, after finding out Desiree had been cheating on me, did I feel the depth of despair that weighed me down now.I was determined to make good on my promise, but my normal problem-solving mind had left for vacation and was unavailable to help me figure out what to do.There was a kn