All Chapters of Desperate for Approval: Chapter 1 - Chapter 10

When my dad video called me, I was squatting on the floor of my dormitory room, scraping out toothpaste. There was just a bit of that white paste left on my fingertips.Before I could apply it to my toothbrush, my phone buzzed, and one word popped up on the screen: Dad.I answered the call.His first question wasn’t whether I’d eaten. It was, “Jessica Larson, why did you buy three packets of tissues?”My hand hung in midair.My dormitory room door was ajar, and I could hear people laughing and chatting along the corridor. It was lovely and bustling like another completely different world.I said in a low voice, “Dad, these are daily necessities.”“I asked you why you bought three packets of tissues?”He furrowed his brows, as though interrogating a liar.“Are you able to finish them all in one month? Or are you trying to accumulate stuff, thinking I’m not noticing?”My face flushed.My elder brother, Vince Larson, poked his head out from behind my dad. He was laughing so h

The first time my dad bought me clothes was during winter of my sophomore year, and he had it delivered to the lobby of my dormitory.I hugged the parcel back to my room and unwrapped the parcel containing a gray puffer jacket.The tag was cut off, the cuffs were piling, and the zipper was stuck, while there was a receipt stuffed into one of the pockets that read: Warehouse clearance, $89.My dad texted me: [It’s getting cold. Bought you a jacket.][Don’t say that your family doesn’t care about you.]I caressed the puffer jacket, with tears welling up in my eyes.It didn't look good, nor did it fit me.The sleeves were too short, and it was too narrow at the shoulders.But I still wore it and stood in front of the mirror for a long time, thinking that at least he remembered I might feel cold.I texted him back: [Thanks, Dad.]His reply came quickly. [Good that you’re grateful.]His words erased all the warmth I had felt in my heart at that time.At night, Veronica shared a

My dad gave me a thorough scolding in the family chat group.“Jessica Larson, did you just delete me as your emergency contact?“What is the meaning of this? I scolded you just a little, and you’re refusing to acknowledge me as your father?”Vince then sent a voice message. “Dad, don’t give her money. She has the ability to apply for a student loan, doesn’t she? Leave her be.”Veronica then sent a link to a video she published on her social media account.The subject read: [My sister’s college expense sheet is killing me]The cover photo was my spreadsheet.The coffee that cost $2 was circled in red.Painkillers that cost $9.80 appeared one too many times.Sanitary pads at $19.90 were on the higher side.Someone asked in the comments: [Is this your biological sister?]Veronica replied: [Yeah, that’s why my dad micro-manages her. Who else will?]My blood turned cold as I looked at her words.I then called her.She answered the call very quickly, and I could almost hear the

In the second semester of my junior year, I received the national scholarship award, and Lily picked me to give a speech as the student representative.I stood on stage and looked down at all the young faces before me.In the past, what I feared most was people knowing that I was poor.I was scared of others finding out that I needed to seek approval for my allowance and to explain why I even needed medicine.With my script before me, I said, “I used to think that having no money was an embarrassing thing.“Subsequently, I’ve come to understand that poverty wasn’t what made me unable to lift my head up high.“Instead, it was when a parent turned his support to his child into repeated reviews and interrogations.”Silence ensued in the crowd, followed by deafening applause.I didn’t mention my father’s name, but every word I spoke seemed to be for myself in the past, encouraging me to lift my head up high.When the announcement was published on my school’s social media page, Lea

After my graduation, I joined a company. When I received my first paycheck, I returned to my old town to pick Grandma up.She kept saying no to me. “I’m old. I’ll only bring you trouble by going to the city.”I grabbed her bag and replied, “Grandma, you’re no trouble. You’re family.”She was stunned for a long while when she heard that.Bowing her head, she wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes.I had rented a two-bedroom apartment in the city. It wasn’t a big apartment, but it was a south-facing unit.The first time Grandma entered the apartment, she stood outside the door, afraid to step in.“The floor is so shiny. Will I make it dirty?”I fetched her a pair of slippers.“I’ll mop it clean if it gets dirty.”She carefully ran her fingers across the couch, the curtains, and the new pots and pans in the kitchen, before she finally said, “This pot is great. I can make soup for you.”I nodded in agreement.We slowly settled down in our new life, and I would occasional