His darkness

October 23rd, 2018

Death.

Such a small word it is but its occurrence strikes harder than anything I had ever experienced. People kept murmuring words to me and slowly walked away with their heads bowed down, some even tend to hug me. I just stood still.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I could barely inhale a sharp breath. My body was frozen, numb. I barely registered what was going on.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” I heard a man’s voice speak to my father, who stood next to me then walked away a few seconds later. I hardly blinked as I kept staring at the black flats on my feet. My mind wasn’t racing with thoughts. It was calm. Quiet.

The only thing that felt alive inside of me, is the loud cries of my heart as it shattered and bleed slowly tearing itself apart to shreds only to stick itself back together and repeat the process. It hurt. It hurt to breathe, to talk, it hurt to even cry.

After all, what would tears do to me? Ease my grief and empty my heart as some people told me to do? No. Nothing can ease my pain, nothing can lift the heavyweight on my soul. No amount of tears can soothe me, not even if I’ll cry an ocean. 

I turned around to walk away, away from everyone, but my dad’s hand on my shoulder stopped me For the first time since the funeral started, I looked up from my feet. My throat felt sore and extremely dehydrated for not speaking for almost two days straight. My eyes were dry no matter how much I blinked.

I looked at him, my lips pursed into a tight, thin line. My once bright blue ocean eyes now stared up at him in a dulling way. My heart clenched tighter at the sight of him, that for a second, I felt my throat tightened. A small indication that tears would come to the surface. But I swallowed hard, my lump slowly disappearing.

The tip of his nose was slightly a crimson color, his dark black eyes puffy and red. Small bags made their presence known underneath his eyes as he tiredly looked at me. I have never seen his face look so devastated until yesterday. The day my mom passed away after three years of battling cancer.

As much as it pained me to say this, I’m relieved she passed away peacefully in her sleep. My mom had been struggling and suffering from cancer and the side effect of medicines. No matter how much she tried to hide her pain and put a bright smile on her face, we all knew.

He squeezed his hand tighter and tried to offer me a smile but his lip barely moved. His black and grey hair was combed neatly, a black suit covering his body, but he didn’t wear a bow tie like he always does. He wore a tie.

My mom used to be the one who did his bow, he never figured out how to do so and since he was used to her doing it for him I guess he gave up trying and simply counted on her to do that small task. But today, today was different. The rest of our lives would be different.

I nodded slowly, already knowing what he was trying to say.

We’ll be okay.

Or so we hoped we will.

A couple approached us and expressed their condolence. I barely recognized half of the people that came. I felt my throat tightening once again, so I quickly turned around from them and walked away, keeping my head down to avoid anyone trying to talk to me. I wanted to be alone.

I walked to the farthest point inside the cemetery, far enough from anyone but close enough to see, and sat down under a large tree, pulling my legs against my chest.

The funeral was all black clothes and puffy red eyes. People stood around in a large circle, my mom knew a lot of people, she was beloved by many and still is. Everyone's heads were bowed down in respect. But maybe, just as me, they were too afraid to look up at and realize that indeed; she was really gone.

Silence dwelled as the men in suits carrying her coffin entered the cemetery. It wobbled as they held it to the front and gently placed it down.

The coffin was dark and perfectly polished with silky lining. It seemed inviting. It was good to know that at least my mom was resting in a comfortable place.

The sun shone brilliantly upon us and the virescent color of the autumn day under its glare was offensively radiant and pleasant. Even though we were blessed with a sunny day, the air was slightly chilly. It was as if the world plotted to show me how life would go on without her. It shouldn't. Everything should be as grey and misty as my emotions, colors as pale as my appearance.

But no, the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed.

Now she was gone, a part of my heart had been extinguished forever in my soul. I sat in my silent grief and quietly watched from a distance, my eyes landing on my brother who now stood near my dad. I didn’t want to stand there, I couldn’t. I won’t handle it. I was too shaken up, too afraid of finally coming to an end that admittedly, my mom passed away and I'll never see her once again.

No one ever told me that grief feels like fear. Until I felt my body shiver with coldness, my legs too unstable to hold my weight when her last breath was taken. It’s not the old memories I have with her that pained me, it’s the new one I’ll have without her by my side that did.

Struggling to hold back the gloom, my hushed tears finally flowed down my cheeks steadily, silently down my immobile face. I felt bruised inside, numbness, emptiness. One by one, they walked behind the mahogany coffin, saying goodbye although she is gone already, the soul unwilling to acknowledge the finality of death. People’s silent sobs filled my ears. I'm not sure if it was theirs or mine.

I can never look upon her face again or feel her embrace, see the warmth in her blue eyes, be surrounded by her love. Words from my father, my brother, and his fiancee, speeches from her family and friends brought a fresh onslaught of tears, well-spoken words, a tribute to her life, and love as they all said their last goodbye.

Everyone watched the casket lowered into the grave through tear-stained eyes. The wind blew softly, the air of autumn hitting my wet cheeks in a cold blow. Even though I was wearing a warm black jacket with black, simple jeans, my skin rose with goosebumps. I smiled dejectedly one last time at her coffin from afar as a small silent tear rolled down my cheek only to fall from my jaw, clearing my blurry view before turning around to walk home.

Goodbye, mom.

July 16, 2019

“Is that all?” Ryan’s voice made me look up from my almost finished plate, my eyes landing on his black pupils as he stood near the dining room entrance with both my suitcases in his hands. I nodded my head in response. He continued with his journey toward the front door to put them inside his car.

A small sigh escaped my lips as I toyed with the last piece of steak.

“It won’t be long, sweetheart.” my dad spoke beside me, his voice slightly softer than usual.

I turned my head to look at him and forced a smile on my face while tucking a strand of my brown, curly hair behind my ear.

“I know, dad. Don’t worry about me.”

I tried to sound as convincing as I could, my smile never leaving my face. His brow furrowed lightly before he nodded at me and finished his glass of wine. I guess being a lawyer had its privileges and inhibitions.

I should be used to him traveling for work by now but I wasn’t. Because before, whenever he had a work trip and would leave home, I had my mom and the house wasn’t as quiet as it is now.

But now it’s different, I guess it’s why I’m staying this month with my brother, Ryan until he comes back. Ryan lives a few miles away from us. He settled down somewhere near the forest outside the town’s border. He had always been a big fan of nature and Jasmine, his fiancée, was more than thrilled to live near the lush, green forest.

It was a beautiful place, close to a lake where sometimes the three of us would go swimming. Though, I haven’t visited in so long. College is taking my whole time. I’m just glad I’m one year away from finally graduating and start a new chapter in my life.

I stood up from my seat and cleaned my plate along with my dad’s and Ryan’s then joined the two at the door where they both waited for me.

“You ready?” Asked my dad.

“I’ll be fun. Jasmine is excited to see you.”

I grinned at Ryan’s words. Seeing her was something I was looking forward to. We get along very well, she became a close friend of mine the day Ryan introduced her to us as his girlfriend.

Ryan had been dating Jasmine since they were eighteen. Well, Ryan was eighteen — Jasmine was seventeen, a year younger. These two have never been separated since. He proposed to her on her twenty-second birthday. Now they're getting married this summer.

“Call me when you land, okay?” I looked at my dad, “And stop eating too much Chinese food, it’s not healthy.” A small laugh escaped his lips as he embraced me in a tight squeeze, my body relaxing under his embrace.

“Take care of each other.” His gruff voice filled my ears as we broke our hug.

A few minutes later, Ryan and I drove off, my dad leaving at the same time going the opposite direction toward the airport. Maybe this would be fun. A month away would do me good, I suppose.

Right?

I mean, after all, what could possibly go wrong? Get abducted?