Chapter 5: Sinking in, Sunken deep II

She felt somehow guilty so she stood up and walked towards the window. She watched William from there and endured the painful feeling in her chest. She watched how he just stood there waiting for her. She just watched, because that was all she could do. She could not muster the courage to talk to him. She knew that if she spent just a little time with him, her walls would be crashing down and she would forgive him no matter what—and she did not want that.

She saw Will walk away but she could not see his face. It was better that way. It was better to keep her distance so that she could get a move on. It was better to start walking on their separate ways after all those years that they spent together. After all those years that she devoted her life to him.

She knew it was the right decision, but why did her chest feel so heavy? Why was there a lump on her throat as tears started to pool in her eyes once more? Why did it hurt so much as if her heart was being twisted and torn into pieces?

She closed the curtains and dragged her feet to the bed. She dropped her body onto the warm and soft mattress then closed her eyes. Her tears fell non-stop but her pain would not be described with just that. Her sobs were slowly getting louder so she covered her face with a pillow.

It was all sinking in at that moment. She realized that it was finally over for her and Will. The five years that they shared together had ended. Tonight, she would no longer need to send him goodnight messages. She would no longer have the right to demand a reply. Tomorrow, she would no longer be obligated to call him in the morning. They were done. They were back to being strangers, just like before.

But even if she was well aware of that, the questions in her mind still lingered in her head.

Why? Why did he have to enter her life if he would not stay? He should have just stayed out of reach. He should not have chosen her if he would just change his mind after finding someone new. He should not have shown her the happiness of being in love if he would take her happiness with him. He should not have told her that he loved her if he could not be committed to her until the end.

And she should not have tried to approach him. She should have been contented to watch him from afar. She should have been contented from admiring him like a star.

She clutched her chest and she cried harder when she remembered all the good things that they shared together. She thought that if they ever broke up, she would cry over all the things that she regretted doing: the arguments, the fights, and the misunderstandings.

But she realized that remembering his smile, his laughter, and his voice that whispered sweet nothings broke her heart more. His funny jokes, his sweet gestures, the name on her phone that she loved to see—it was too painful to remember. She thought that she would be able to cherish those memories but it was too hard!

She wanted to treasure the memories that made her happy for five years, but those memories also shattered her to pieces. Those memories made her want to hope more even if she already knew that there was no hope for them.

What if he still loved her? What if he truly regretted what he did? What if she just tried to hear him out? Maybe they could have worked things out.

There were lots of what-ifs on her mind but it was all useless. She was aware that she should stop thinking about the what-ifs and the could-have-been because it was all over. The damage has been done. But why was it so hard to move on?

Bea felt heavy when she woke up the next day. She laughed when she looked at the mirror and saw her swollen eyes. She really spent the night crying. She spent the night bawling her eyes out until she fell asleep from her own weeping.

She let out a sigh and dropped her body on the bed once again. Luckily, she asked for a month of leave. She just wanted to be absorbed by her bed at that moment. She just wanted to lay there, cry when her heart hurts, and just stare into space doing nothing.

When she was younger, she could not understand why people seemed to be so depressed after a break-up. She thought that it would be easier to divert their attention to somewhere instead of drowning in their own misery. But now that she was experiencing it personally, she could somehow understand that having one’s heart to be broken would result in an unproductive state.

After a few minutes of staring right into space, Bea stood up and went to the bathroom to prepare herself. What was she thinking? Seriously? Did she just think about doing nothing but hurt herself as she reminded herself of Will?

She needed to get a move on! But it was not that easy. Though it seemed better if she would divert her attention somewhere else so that she could stop thinking about him, it would also be hard for her to stop herself from thinking about him.

She let out another sigh. She felt as if she was going crazy and she didn’t know what to do.

“I need a nice warm shower,” she mumbled as she walked towards the bathroom.

She needed a clear head. She needed a plan while moving forward because all her future plans had Will in them.

Everything. She involved William in everything.

She closed her eyes as the warm water flowed from her head down to her body. If only the pain could be washed away by the water, she would gladly spend a long time under the shower. If only the memories could be removed after rinsing the soap, she would scrub her body even if it would take more than an hour. If there was anything that would fill the emptiness in her heart, she’d definitely take it.

But there was not. She was left with just memories, pain, and a broken heart. There was nothing she could do but to let time heal all her wounds. It did not matter if it would leave a scar. She would not want to enter into a relationship after that.

She let out a sigh as she went out of the bathroom and fixed herself. It felt like she had been dragging her body all around as she was too lazy to move. After wearing a pair of pajamas, she dropped her body on the bed not minding her still wet hair. And just like last night, she cried hard again.