2. I HATE YOU

HANA

     I hate it when someone takes the food I was just about to it, let alone grab it from me. I don't know why. Since childhood, I have been like that. My brother, Misha used to do that when we were kids. He used to offer me chips, `bringing them to my mouth, and right when I opened my mouth, he used to take them away, sticking out his tongue. For the whole day, we used to fight over a chips bag. But when my mother did it, I didn't know whom to fight. There were boiled veggies on my plate when Misha was enjoying his meat in the pool of gravy.

      "You should reduce weight." My mom said.

      "Go to the gym starting tomorrow. Your tummy should be toned."

      "But.."

      "No, but, Hana." She cut me off. "It's seven months till your wedding. You should be more presentable for Cillian. Look at Violet and learn."

       Violet didn't say a word and quitely sipped her protein drink. 

       "I can't." I protested.

       "I have been so hungry for weeks now," I tell her.

       "Learn to control it." My mom ordered. 

      "Is Cillian doing the same to look presentable at the wedding?" I asked her, my voice a little louder than usual. It made no one at the table budge.

       "He doesn't have to." She replied. "He is perfect in every way. He is rich, he is fit, he is handsome, and not even a strand of his hair stays out of place. You should maintain the same physique and dignity to match him. This wedding should be perfect."

        "Define perfect," I mumbled to myself.

         At first, I thought I could do it. It's healthy, right? You eat healthy food, hit the gym and what's there in it to worry about? But then it started- the hunger, the strict diet and the punishments.

        It was 2 months before the wedding when I craved a sweet. I was in periods. I always crave sweets during my periods. So I went to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get a bite of chocolate. That's when my mom came back from her work. 

       At first, I thought, she was being ridiculous. None of the things she said made sense to me.

       "I craved it. What's wrong?" I said.

       "This will ruin everything you did until now." She shouted at me.

       "Then let it be," I shouted back.

       She grabbed me by my elbow and rushed me to my room. "You better get inside before your father catches you." She said.

       I didn't know that eating chocolate would be a crime till then. For worse, I thought she was protecting me. I didn't realise she wasn't even trying to help me until I was given just water and a bowl of salad the next day. It's not the hunger that pains me. It's how I was treated there. It's like I don't have a self, and I am not a human. I am 23 years old and I am a software engineer. I don't understand why I even have to beg my mom for a plate full of food. What did I do to deserve that? I have no idea.

                                                              *

       There aren't many photos of Cillian and Bash together. Like Bash, Cillian has green eyes. I saw him ten years ago at a ball. I didn't remember how he looked. But I remembered how I felt- scared. I thought of searching for Cillian and checking if there was any news about him or the marriage - our marriage that never happened. But I talked myself out of it. I call it selective ignorance. Both Cillian and my Credit Card bills will fall under that category.

        I lay flat on my bed, thinking about the bills. This is not how I imagined my 20s would be. I have a 9-5 job, but the salary wasn't enough. The rent and EMI I have to pay are more than the salary I receive. The person I once lent money to is still struggling with his job. So there's no way I could get a penny out of him. Whom should I ask for money? I don't know. I wondered what would happen if my mother let me join the very first job I got. It's a system engineer role, and the pay was good. I would have gained one year of experience and could have been in a better position. 

      I sighed, realising that I was thinking of what could have been instead of what was happening. What's the point anyway? What happened has happened.

     It was 10: 30 when I started thinking.

    Then I opened my phone to scroll through the useless stuff.

     It was 11:30 when I played a cooking game.

     It was 12:30 am when I started to check my social media. And I am still wide awake. I can't even feel like sleeping. I miss the times when I used to feel so sleepy that I used to nod off even in the most serious situations. 

      It was 1:30 when I stared at my own shadow on the wall.

      I blinked, and it was already 2. Another stressful and boring day is waiting for me. It will be the 10th of the month in no time, and all my bills await to be paid off. I wished for the time to stop. That's the last thing I remembered before falling asleep.

      I see no Ashton Martin or any lavish car outside my apartment. No sign of security guards. Which means Bash hasn't told Cillian about me. I don't think Cillian would have come for me if he knew. After all, I was the bride who left him at the altar. He wouldn't want me back. But what if he seeks vengeance? Can I fight him? 

      Do you want to fight him?  My inner self questioned me. I have no strength left to run again. If I get caught, I guess I will get caught.

                                                                *

     "I brought you coffee," Shalini said, as soon as I sat at my desk. 

     "Thank you," I smiled at her, taking the cup she handed. At times like this, I may become a little positive about life. I get back to work while opening the Teams app on my laptop. My Project manager has pinged me to visit her cabin.

      "What does she want?" Shalini asked me from beside me. 

      "I don't know," I said, getting up.

      "Tell her that we have resolved Martin's issue in production." She said with a glare that was directed at her screen.

       "I will if it is about the Martin's issue," I told her.

       "Hey, Defne." I greeted, trying my best to put up a pleasant smile. 

        She showed me the chair in front of her table and asked me to sit.

        I haven't had much interaction with her. She is usually nice to the employees, always having a wide smile on her face. Something is off today. She is nervous? She rubbed her hands before linking them together on the table. 

       The thing I like about Defne is how easily she could get along with the younger staff that we don't even realise that she is twice the age we are.

       "Before I start, I wanted you to know that you are an asset to this project. We all feel that." She said slowly. Usually, her words run like a bullet train. Something is definitely off.

        She handed me a paper, and it's not just any paper. It is a letter of termination. My eyes widened with shock. I couldn't read the letter fully. 

       "I tried to stop it," She answered my unasked question. "I have given other names. But it came from upstream. It's a layoff."

      "Bullshit. Our company is doing just fine." I said, holding the paper tightly as though my life depended on it. In a way, it does.

      "I know that. It came out of nowhere. I can't say this to you. But, it's like you have been targeted. I am saying this as a friend. But you only have a month left. Make sure to find a new job. I will write the most.."

      "Astounding recommendation letter?" I cut her off. "Thanks for informing me," I said and got up from my seat. I left her cabin before she got the chance to show her sympathy. I don't need it. What I need is a job, money and stability. 

     "What happened, yaar? Why did she call you?" Shalini asked me when she spotted me.

      But I didn't wait to respond. I feel like I might cry. So I did what I always do. I run. After 10 minutes, I find myself on the terrace with a termination letter in my hand. House rent, Loan EMI, Credit card bills, and a month to find a new job. Why is life so exhausting? Why am I failing to take care of myself? My eyes burned as fresh tears surfaced them. 

       I hardly slept for 5 hours. I hardly had my breakfast. I hardly drank my coffee. I am hardly surviving. Why does life have to be this hard? Why? 

         Defne's words drummed in my ears. 

        It's like it's like you have been targeted.

        I suddenly know why I have been targeted. That Bash! That stupid fucking Bash.

        "The view is nice, isn't it?" I heard a voice from behind.

        I knew the owner of that deep voice before I saw his face. Because he has been living in mind rent-free for hours now. 

      When I turned around, he was leaning into the wall, his hands tucked into his pockets and a smug smile on his face.

       "Did you do this?" I ask him, raising my hand in which I held the paper. 

       "Is that a termination letter?" He clicked his tongue, looking around before he turned toward me. "You should have known that life is tough, especially for a girl who fled her mansion to be on the roads."

      I call it jail. I wanted to scream. But I held back. 

      One thing I have learnt through hard way is that never show your weaknesses, no matter who it is on the other side. 

      "What made you think that life with Cillian is any better?" I asked, folding my hands across my chest.

       I can say that he is surprised at the way he opened his mouth to say something and paused. 

       "Anything with money is better, Miss. Levine."

      I totally agree with him. But I refused to admit it to him.

      "Anything is better without abuse," I tell him and tried to cross him.

      But he held my elbow like he did last time. His sea-green eyes held my gaze. "What does that mean?" He asked me in a bossy tone. He is expecting an explanation which I don't intend to give him.

      It is so cruel that he has such beautiful eyes but a tainted heart. "Do you love Cillian?" I asked him, without averting my gaze. "Is that why you are seeking vengeance for his ruined reputation? I thought they already did the damage control."

     My words made him loosen the grip on my elbow. "You have a smart mouth." He says. "I hate it when people have smart mouths."

     "I hate when people don't have smart brains," I tell him as ridiculous as it sounds. "I hate you."