4. Hell or Glory

-Jian-

I relish the reverberating slam of the door behind me. The doorframe shakes but is still in one piece. Though I'm thoroughly annoyed that it didn't splinter, I am thankful I don't have to explain my extraordinary strength to my already suspicious mother. 

After I shut the car door without saying goodbye to Aline, I felt the weight of her gaze on my back as I climbed the steps into my house and out of her sight. I'm selfish enough to admit that I wanted her to stop me, just like she did the other night when she allowed me to witness her vulnerability.

It pleases me more than it should that she picked me out of the entire pack to comfort her when she was so exposed. It couldn't have been easy for her.  That's the thing of it. She’d asked me to stay once before. Why didn't she do the same today? Say something, I thought as I strode away. It was a futile attempt to reach her through our supernatural telepathic powers that don’t work in our human forms. She never heard my silent plea and tore out of the driveway as soon as I was inside.

Stalking through the house, I clench my teeth, swearing to myself that I will not be the guy who falls into the fatal friendship trap, never to be thought of as anything more. I wouldn't let that happen - not with her.

Yet, she'd had me at her beck and call today. Doing what? Trying on damn shoes for Talu, that's what. I spent two and a half hours smiling at her like some moron and modeled shoes not meant for me. It bugged the shit out of me when she put down $300 for my friend, but I tried to act cool and said nothing. Frowning, I think of Talu, the guy who attracts the choicest set of females no matter what he does and where he goes.

How I wish the weregirl didn't get under my skin. Being the contrary sort of guy I am, though, of course, I’m interested in Aline Kam. She's not the ideal choice since she's our Alpha’s ex-girlfriend and she's still torn up over him. Nor is she the easiest girl to get close to. I mean, she’s already dismissed me as too young, by a measly two years, and she’s nicknamed me, “Pup.” I hardly look 19, and I'm grateful for this body that makes me look far older than I am.

I run an agitated hand over my face. Why must I always make things harder for myself? Why can't I find the perfectly pretty girl who makes shy eye contact with me in my college environmental studies class attractive? Oh no, not me! I have to be smitten by the notorious, most hated pack member. Why am I morbidly drawn to Aline - this broken, twisted, scary, yet beautiful girl? I despise myself for this interest. Truly, I do.

I grunt a rude hello to my mom in the kitchen. She casts me a curious look but goes on doing whatever she's doing in there. I'm only mildly curious, hoping that if she's cooking, she'll make quadruple helpings because I'm ravenous.

Throwing open my bedroom door, I launch myself on the bed and wonder if Talu will eventually win the prize of Aline. I have a foreboding feeling that the friendship he and I are rebuilding will undergo even more tests. He still seems to have issues with Lance, too, just like I do. I wonder if we can be as close as we were before last summer when most of us phased and the pack formed.

I guess my life could be worse. I could have imprinted on a middle schooler, like our other packmate, Tony Lam. Poor Tony. I guffaw as I think of that moment when he laid eyes on the 12-year-old with the high ponytail and braces. The cartoon hearts floating around his head were almost visible. Oh yes, it could be worse.  

Lance. Talu. Tony. They are among my eight werewolf brethren and any one of them could be my half-brother. I do not know who my father is, only that he left my mom and came here to start a new life, and possibly a new family. The annoying thing is that all three of them have dads who aren’t around either. I don't know which one of them is my relation, but I'll figure it out one of these days.

My mom shouts at me to take the garbage out. I ignore her until I no longer can. An hour later, I hoist a full trash bag over my shoulder. Once outside, I knot up the offensive bundle and leave it on the doorstep. Tilting my head back, I deeply inhale gloriously clean air. Garbage duty is the worst because I have to hold my nose until I complete the task. 

If there’s one positive since the pandemic started, it’s being able to wear masks all the time without getting weird looks. Those medical-grade ones can block out some heinous stenches. Unfortunately, I forgot to wear my mask when I started collecting the garbage. So, I must resort to holding my sleeve over my nose to blunt the vomitus stench of the trash and compost bins I roll to the front of the driveway.

Finished with the chore, I turn to stare at my house. It looks like a miniature storybook castle fallen to disrepair. It weirdly fits its surroundings since it overlooks the lower end of Stern Grove, an urban forest a fraction of the size of the Presidio across town where Aline lives. The grounds are hardly as grand, but it’s mine. I can tear laps around the grove's perimeter from 19th Avenue to 34th Avenue under the safe canopy of giant eucalyptus, redwood, and fir trees. 

Back in my room, I put in my well-worn AirPods, ready to blast away my thoughts of Aline. My playlist is on shuffle, so it takes a minute to recognize the song. It's a stupid one, just like my equally stupid day.

I rake my fingers through my short, cropped hair, longing for the length of it to return. Long hair, however, makes for a shaggy wolf, and I don't do shaggy. Twice, I slam my head into my worn pillow and pound my fist into the mattress. This destructive energy needs release, but I know I shouldn’t climb onto my motorcycle without calming down first.

Another old song comes on. It's "She's My Winona" by Fall Out Boy. 

Lying spread eagle on my bed, I stare up at the ceiling trying to control the heat of my annoyance. The loud rhythm washes over me. The first line of the song's chorus runs through my head.

Hell or Glory, I don't want anything in between. 

The rhythmic beat soothes me. Yeah, either hell or glory. I want nothing in between with Aline.