What Will You Do For the Rest of Your Life If Not Music?

She ignored me on our walk home as well, even though I made sure to keep up with her.

Her whole being radiated negative energy that threatened to suck me in and obliterate me if I so even uttered a word that entered her subspace.

It wasn't a pleasant feeling.

I had seen her argue with her Mother before and it was scary. She was often quiet so I used to think she was timid, but a stronger personality ended up emerging out of nowhere.

Today she had also surprised me in a different way. I was under the impression she was a reserved person...

I didn't want to lose her.

When I finally mustered the courage to say something she had already made it to her porch steps and closed the door with a quiet click.

It was equivalent to someone chucking a glass of water. I felt cold and humiliated.

Did she think I was a loser? She didn't even say goodbye...

I walked home and as soon as I did Mom's eyes were twinkling.

"Well? What song will you play for the audition?"

"Huh?"

A question sign hung over her head. "Hmm? 

"..." I raked my fingers through the front of my hair and let out a big sigh.

This morning, she must've talked about it to Mom, that's why Mom seemed so upset when I didn't get up, if it was a normal day she would just look at me and sigh whenever I came downstairs late into the afternoon. Of course.

Both of them were excited.

They had anticipated my reaction.

Do these two seriously never think to apply for an audition before? Annoyance filled me.  It was a blow to my pride. How little did they think of me?

Well, though I thought about it. I always found myself standing before the talent agencies like a mannequin.

The interviews I once took in junior high would flash before my eyes.

"Why should we chose you?" An interviewee once asked me when I chose to apply for a college scholarship to Tokyo Music University.

I suddenly felt small. Like an insect. Sitting before a panel of judges that anticipated my answer.

They exchanged looks when I froze up. Smiled when I was too nervous to continue. And when the interview ended those waiting outside were surprised exclaiming how fast the interview was.

Though to me, the interview felt incredibly long.

Of course, I didn't get the scholarship.

Of course, now, I don't even need one what with the royalties I've been getting.

Maybe some part of me had been waiting for the day, the guys would give me a call and invite me over to their label.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Mom fired these questions at my back as I headed upstairs to my room and faceplanted onto my bed.

I'm scared. People up there don't see the average people as people but as something else.

"Kagami..." Mom's voice was gentle as she lightly knocked on the door and opened it.

"Could you come downstairs for a sec?"

Ugh. Do I have to? Just let me lie here.  I just humiliated myself in front of Amara. She probably thinks I'm a loser and she'd probably be right.

 Mom quietly added when I didn't respond.   "Amara's here."

My dead body twitched.

At first, I felt annoyed, whenever I was feeling unwell she had come to calling over Amara like a ritual but then that annoyance subsided into one of acceptance.

Fine, let's get it over with.

She had changed clothes already. And was wearing a t-shirt with the English words "WHY NOT?" printed on them in all caps, tweeting bird was staring angrily with their hands on their hips. On her ears the milk cartons were replaced with an exploding bomb.

She seemed to be wanting to send a message towards me, even though she didn't even look my way when I entered the kitchen. She just took a sip of the tea Mother had served. I knew I should tread carefully.

There was nothing more elegant than a pissed woman trying to stay composed with a drink. I'd seen Mom do that so many times before with my Dad, there's something enchanting about it.

Women may not know it, the power they hold that fills men with such tension from such simple gestures. Not even I could understand the science behind it. Perhaps we could all sense the wrath they attempt to mask and get intimidated, like now. Or... I suppose I could be overthinking this. 

Even in what I thought would be my final moments with her, I couldn't help admiring her like this.

"I'll be over here..." Mom said, but I could see her shadow hovering in the hall once she left the room. I couldn't help sighing.

The light clack of Amara setting down the teacup caught my attention.

She was the first to speak. "I apologize."

"Huh?"

"Earlier at school, it seems I was asking too much of you."

I swallowed.

"Y-you weren't really..." My words readily betrayed my previous feelings.

 Amara frowned at me."What are you saying? If I weren't asking too much of you why did you not say anything and just sit there staring at me like a stuffed animal?"

"Eh...s-stuffed? hehe..." I pulled at the collar of my uniform, I had yet to change. The tie around my neck was beginning to feel like a noose.

I was unable to respond once more and she sighed seeing this.

"It was because I envied you." She confessed.

My eyebrows rose. "Hm?"

"Having such a cool hobby, and being so talented I thought that if I were you living like that would make me miserable." She rubbed a finger as she gazed against the warm cup, rather than drinking it she seemed to be enjoying its warmth. She slowly continued,

"Making music is fun but not being able to share it with others, how suffocating would that have been?"

I opened my mouth to say something but stopped. I didn't know what to. Her assumptions had hit the mark after all. Such emotions I constantly battled with on a daily basis.

"So I thought something like this would be good for you. But you know... during lunch and once school ended. I thought. . . What else will he do for the rest of his life if not music? I had no idea who you make music for. And then I realized. So that's what it was. You wanted to get back with your band. And so I came here to apologize." She spoke with finality. "I'm sorry Kagami."

"..." She was able to assess and identify her shifting emotions as well as my own while I was here spiraling like an idiot thinking she was disgusted and angry with me.

Why is it that once she spoke, the moment she explained her stance I realized she knew me better than I knew her? I've known her for a year now, but it seems like I hadn't even cracked the surface of understanding Amara's true personality.

To think she's been thinking about me, I felt touched. It was weird. It felt wrong. To deny the consideration she had harbored towards me, for every day she wasted worrying about my future.

It...Was akin to rejecting our friendship.

"I'll do it."

Amara closed her eyes.

"I'm not saying this to change your mind."

"I know. . . but... I still want to do it."

She tilted her head, studying me. "All.. of a sudden?"  Her eyes squinted at me. 

"Mmm!"

She squinted at me for a bit longer.

"Are you serious?"

My mind went blank, I nodded. "...Yes!"

"You paused!"

"It's cause I'm scared!"

"Because you're scared? because you're scared huh?" Amara held her chin in deep thought, her eyes shifting. "Of course, why didn't I think of that?" The ends of her lips curved for a couple of seconds. I knew it would be the closest she ever got to truly smiling in front of me.

"Even if by some chance those lovely people turn out to be dipshits and reject you, Kagami." Amara began to say. "We...I mean you can always turn to whotube."

Whotube? whotube?! Of course! Why hadn't I considered that?

"Seriously, you're like my sun shedding light on the tools at my disposal. They were right next to me but I had tunnel vision and could only see what was in front of me!"

Amara's eyes widened at me.

My face flushed. I... I had just said that out loud!

"I said that out loud didn't I?"

The corners of her lips stretched outward but remained flat and she looked elsewhere. She was resisting the urge to smile! I was certain then.  The day she smiled in front of me might be sooner than I thought.