Chapter 5- Pretences

School had been hell that day. There was just so much going in my head and once I got home, I just seemed to collapse onto the bed. My heart had been racing, my brow sweaty and my head boiling with all these thoughts. I just wished I could find a way to just shut them all out. I turned my playlist on and turned the phone up to full volume, lying flat on my bed. I do this sometimes. When I get so caught up in life, I take a minute to just sit and calm myself. Just worry about nothing. However, this time it didn't work. I didn't understand why I was so upset. I just was. Every part of me felt broken and damaged yet, this past week, my life had been the best it ever had. So why was I feeling like this?

The chorus of idontwannabeyouanymore erupted from my phone. I hadn't even realised the song was playing, I closed my eyes as Billie Eilish sang:

If I love you was a promise,

Would you break it if you're honest?

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before.

I don't wanna be you anymore.

How was she able to capture everything I was feeling in 4 simple lines? The words echoed in the back of my mind even as the next verse played. How many times had I heard this song but never realised what it actually meant? My heart ached as the song played and everything finally stopped. My brain stopped thinking. My head stopped hurting. Silence. The song had finished, and I was placed back on the earth. That had been 3 minutes? A single tear slipped silently down my cheek. Nothing had provoked me to cry, I just did. I was upset, and I had no reason to be. It felt almost relieving. In the end, I picked up a book from my shelf and started to read. I just read and read until mum called us down for dinner.

"How was your day?" She asked, putting a spoonful of pasta in my little sister's plate.

"Ew… I don't want it…" She moaned, pointing out the peas which were dispersed inside the meal.

"Ali…" My mother sighed, setting my plate down in front of me. I glanced over to my sister.

"Hey… how about, you eat just five peas and then you don't have to eat any of the rest?" I said to her reassuringly. She paused for a moment, thinking it over before she decided that it was a good deal and holding out her hand for me to shake. I did so, firmly, flicking my finger on her nose the second our hands parted. She crinkled it, sticking out her tongue. My mum caught my gaze, giving me a grateful smile to which I reciprocated in the same manner.

"So, anyone going to answer my question?" Mum said, looking over at Ali because she knew that the girl was always eager to recount the story of her day. And as expected, Ali launched into a whole explanation of her day, talking about how some boy didn't know what seven times seven was. Often, I found these explanations exciting and adorable, but then, my mind was in a totally different headspace.

***

Brie had gotten her licence a week ago. I knew how to drive- my mum had taught me last summer. I just, I guess I was too scared to get my licence. Stupid I know. I don't trust myself. Anyway, she and May pulled up in the driveway at four. I hugged Ali, who was still distraught because I was spending the weekend away from her,

"We can spend the whole of next weekend together, okay? Have some sister time!" I chirped; ten times happier than I actually felt.

"Can we go shopping?" She looked up at me, eyes full of hope and a smirk painted on her face. I rolled my eyes,

"Yes. We can," I said, not being able to help but grin slightly.

"Good, you're forgiven." She stood facing me, her arms crossed.

"So now you've got what you want... can I get a hug?" I say pulling my mouth down exaggeratingly at the corners. She smiled, laughing and running into my arms. I suddenly feel better with her arms around me. I know some people say sisters never get along when they are young, and I mean, it's not like we never fight, just, despite all that- I love her so much, her sly tactics and all. I kiss her on the forehead as we part, and she smiles up at me.

"I love you," I state squeezing her hand before clambering into the backseat of the car.

***

I felt fake. This morning I had felt lost, now, I just feel fake. I laughed at May's jokes as Brie drove us to the address Thalia had given us, I even cracked a few myself. It was this strange feeling as if my brain knew the exact way I need to act when I was with them, but my heart wasn't in it. It was a small neighbourhood. The kind my mum would tell me to stay away from. Her house was a creamy colour, mixed in with all the ivy. The bins out front looked like they hadn't been emptied in days; plastic wrappers and beer bottles coated the floor around them. First, there was shouting,

"Go, get out! Useless piece of-" A wobbly voice yelled.

"Arthur! Language!" A second voice screamed, a little steadier this time and with more of a female tone to it. A sobbed echoed on the street and the sound of broken glass could be heard. At this point May was checking the address and, knowing her, sending a bunch of texts to Thalia. That was when she walked out.

Tears were dripping down her face and a long, thin line of blood was painted on her cheek. She opened the door clumsily as more inaudible yells echoed down the driveway. We all looked at her, scared to even utter a word.

"Drive," She muttered shakily. A couple of minutes after we left the street, she broke down sobbing into my lap. I placed my arm around her as she cried. I didn't know what to say so I pulled a tissue from my bag and wiped the blood from her cheek. She kept crying- I let her.

I'm pretty sure it was around ten minutes before anyone spoke,

"Was that your dad?" May asked uncertainly turning around in the passenger seat. Thalia nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Step-dad." Silence once again. She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. "I just want to have fun this weekend, okay? I don't want to talk about it." 

"Did he hurt you?" I asked, concerned.

"No... it was my fault. I dropped my cup by accident." She nestled deeper into my embrace and I could feel her skin tingling. May smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood, and began telling a story of how she almost bought a yellow shirt yesterday after school. (She swore in our freshman year that she'd never wear yellow. It 'washes her out') All the time, I could feel Thalia's body heat beside me. And when she laughed it echoed through my body, It was something about the contraction of her chest- maybe the fact that it was keeping her alive with me just a little longer- that just made me feel content.