Chapter 4: Could I Have Both?

As I am driving back out to my countryside retreat, I give Antonio a call. Did that really just happen back at the restaurant? I come into the city for an innocent lunch with two of my best friends, only to get blindsided the way I did. Yes, I do like Albert, really I do, but not today… This was not the time.

I connected the call to Antonio who would like to see me later. I guess now is as good a time as any. I’ve already been through hell, let’s go back for some more. “Sure! Would you like to come out to my house or…”

Antonio quickly answered and said, “absolutely! I don’t believe I’ve ever been there yet. I’d love to see it.”

I give Antonio my address, the easiest way to find it in case the address doesn’t GPS and hang up.

What are you doing Aria? Really? Making things even more complicated because now not only is the correct thing to do is to break everything off with Antonio, you’re inviting him to know where you live? Are you really that stupid?

No, I’m really just that lonely in life. And maybe that stupid. I head out to my house just thinking about how easy life would be if I could just have both guys and no one would know. If only it was just that easy.

As I pull into my driveway, I see a few deer scampering through the yard. This place is so peaceful, I’m staying here for life and I am not going back into the city. Ever.

I go into the house and check my email. Sure enough I have an email from my agent. 

“Aria, We will need your plus one information by tomorrow morning so that we can get your flight and booking information submitted and to you before next Friday.”

Sure, I could just reply with Albert’s information right now but that would be too easy. Once it’s submitted, it’s sealed! I want to type in the reply with Albert and as I go to press send, there is a knock at the door.

Why on earth is my brother here? I open the door and the first words out of his mouth, “Why haven’t I heard from you? It’s getting really close to the Grammy’s and I’d like to know what color suit I should be wearing.”

These guys seriously are insane when it comes to mingling with the famous. I roll my eyes and shut the door as he walks in. Trying to explain to him that he won’t be going this time. And not to worry, neither will Chad… or Amy for goodness sake.  

“Are you not going? I thought you were nominated.” Austin is confused, but what else is new this is a very confusing day.

I continue on into the kitchen where my laptop is placed on the counter. “I am, you’re correct. I might actually be taking a legitimate date this time. It’s just really confusing at the moment and I’m really trying to figure this all out.”

My brother has no idea what’s going on. I don’t really talk to him about things like that, like I am comfortable talking to Chad and Joe, and Amy.  

“Why’s it confusing?” He asks me, sitting down at the counter, glancing over at my laptop. “Who’s Albert?”

Do you have no boundaries either brother? “Well Albert is a guy I’m seeing…” I turn to go to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and mumble… “well one of them.”

“Come again?” Austin is so confused as to what I just said. His sister who goes from never having that many boyfriends, and none in twelve years, to now having two? “Hello? Am I at the correct house? This is the home of Aria isn’t it?”

Why is it so shocking that I finally have someone who I really like and they like me… Well two someones. I roll my eyes at Austin and sarcastically reply… “Yes! This is Aria’s home and I have no idea what I got myself into. A mess, I guess. They’re both so amazing though and I enjoy spending time with both of them. I actually just told Albert at lunch about everything and told him that I wanted him to go with me.”

My brother hasn’t really been on the receiving end of one of these conversations. He isn’t used to seeing his sister so vulnerable, so heartbroken, so confused.

After a little time, explaining to him what’s going on, how it all happened and that his sister is most definitely not sleeping with both of them right now… I tell him that I have to get ready for Antonio as he’s coming over. 

“Wait a minute, I thought the person you’re going to the Grammy’s with was Albert?” He says, back to being confused.

I sigh, “it is. I think” My heart starts to race as I stand here thinking about Antonio, Albert, how they both make me feel. I start to cry… “I don’t know.”

“I wish I had the advice to give you, but I don’t. I’m sorry. Just make it easy and take me.” He laughs as he heads to the door.  

Thinking, that isn’t a bad idea. I could seriously just take my brother and I don’t have to “break up” with either of the guys. Although, Albert already knows he’s not the only one and if I tell him, “No, you’re not going with me”, it’s going to make it worse.

I finished getting ready to see Antonio. Am I ready for the rest of my annoying day to commence? Let’s go, I guess.

…

Antonio arrives with a bag of goodies. Apparently he has plans on cooking me a nice dinner tonight. Lunch still has my stomach in knots so let’s hope dinner can be a little better for me tonight. He is going to make us a couple steaks, fresh steamed veggies and salad. In his bag was also a nice bottle of red wine, and if I did see correctly a bottle of Jack. I guess he came prepared in case it was needed.

I ask Antonio if he would like some help, but he’s got it under control. As I sit there at the counter, I ask him if it would be okay to check my work email quickly. As I open the laptop, it opens to the email from earlier. I hurry up and backspace ‘Albert’ and get out of that email and begin to glance down through a few others.

“Would you like a glass of wine?” Antonio asks me, and I nod affirmatively. 

He walks the glass over to me and places it on the counter. “Thank you.” I say as I take a sip, feeling his lips brush against the back of my neck.

“You’re more than welcome.” He kisses my neck firmly and heads back over to the stove to finish up dinner.

When exactly is the best time to tell this man about everything? I really don’t want to, I want to enjoy this evening and just continue the way everything has been going. It’s been going pretty well. I can’t. I can’t lie to him anymore. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I’m not lying to Albert, Antonio deserves the same respect.

After dinner we move over to the couch and choose a movie to watch. Okay, Aria… what are you waiting for?  

I smile and look at him. His beautiful face looked back at me. Unaware of anything going through my mind. “Um.”

“Is everything okay, Ari?” He asks, barely hearing my little sigh of “um”.

“Antonio, you know I like you… a lot.”

He leans in and gently pulls my head into him, gently kissing my lips… “And I like you too, a lot!”

That did not help. Those soft beautiful lips did not help me. I would give nothing more than to just enjoy those lips right now and forget about everything else. As I lean back from his face, I look into his eyes, clearly sad because again he asks, “Is everything okay?”

“I’m not sure. So the day I met you… Definitely one of the best days of my life, for sure. I had just come from getting my Grammy dress. I didn’t intend to run into you, or anyone, but I did and believe me, you are amazing. Even though we talked for a while and exchanged numbers… I didn’t know where anything was going, as you never do when you first meet someone, right?”

He looks deep into my eyes and I so want to jump right into his. I don’t want to continue with this right now.

“Right?” He answers, confused.

“So earlier that day, my friend Chad gave my number to this guy. He ended up calling me while I was at the dress shop and I didn’t answer because I was trying my dress on. I ended up calling him back because I didn’t want to upset Chad nor this guy. So I ended up going out on a date with him. Well a couple dates over the past two weeks.”

Antonio is looking sad.

“I wasn’t exclusive with either of you and the most he and I or me and you ever did was kiss. I truly have not felt for anyone the same feelings I feel for you…” I look down into my lap… “or him. In an ideal world, I’d love to just continue with you and him.” I kind of let out a snicker. “But that wouldn’t be right, for you, or him, or me.”

Antonio starts to look uneasy. He starts to look upset.

“I have the Grammy’s coming up. I didn’t want to take my brother or Chad this time. At lunch earlier, I did have a chance to explain all this to the other guy. Which by the way I did not invite to lunch. Chad did, without my knowledge and it was extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to have lunch with him and Joe because I wanted someone else’s input and not just my stupidity as to what kind of mess I got myself into.”

Antonio rubs his head, still not sure where I’m going with this.

“I like you, I like you a lot and if I wasn’t going through this all right now I would love nothing else but to be kissing those sweet lips right now.”

Antonio leans into me and takes me by the lips, again. I begin to melt into him.  

This… Is… Not… Helping!

“Antonio… I don’t want you to hate me.”

He continues to run his fingers through my hair. Down my shoulder. This man is truly not making this easy.

“I don’t know if I can continue this with you… I already told the other guy that he could be my date to the Grammy’s.” I look down into my lap, ashamed, guilty, sad, heartbroken. Did I make the right choice? Why is my heart telling me no?

Antonio tries everything to make eye contact with me. “It’s okay.” He smiles looking into my eyes. “Take him. Let him be your date. I’m fine with that. As long as you come home to me.”

What? I’m even more confused now. So, is he okay with this? “What?”

Antonio looks into my eyes deeper, “like I said it’s okay. I know you’re confused and I know you like me, and I think I honestly like you too much to just run away. I want more with you. I want to see where a relationship would lead with us. I don’t want to give you up that easily.” His voice, so calm, “all I ask is that if you do sleep with him, please let me know. I really hope you don’t, but I think we all deserve that respect.”

Wait, what? He’s really okay with me taking Albert to the Grammy’s, he’s okay with me kissing Albert and continuing to even see Albert… just not sleeping with Albert. I don’t know if this made my life easier, or harder. I’m still very much confused.

“Aria, I haven’t found someone like you, well, ever. I want to be with you. You make my life interesting, especially after tonight, but yes interesting. I don’t want to lose you.” Antonio leans in and takes me by the lips again. “If we’re being honest here, I was actually hoping that tonight…” Antonio looks off, out the window… “that tonight, we could enjoy each other more.”

So did my heart just pound out of my chest? As I sit here listening to Antonio continue with his wishes, I am confused. I want him so bad. I want to make his wishes come true. I do. I’m so confused.  

I lean into him, placing my head on his chest. Feeling his heart pounding. Feeling safe. Feeling home.