The pack is getting uneasy and Meadow mentioned that he hasn’t called any kind of communal since, as though he’s avoiding any real dialogue with any of us. He knows the pack will have questions about this. He brought me to them, made it seem like I might have a chance and then snubbed me as they were beginning to accept my presence.
He’s caught inside his own head as he tries to work things out, but we’re losing time. Ticking away slowly as the full moon approaches in its cycle and I don’t think I can take much more. Logic is telling me to give up on him, but I don’t want to accept this is it. That he’s done and given up on us after what he said to me. My heart doesn’t want to believe he could be this way.I’ve been lost in my own thoughts, anxious, obsessing, crying, and worrying myself sick with the chaos of this lack of closure. I’m not being a cold idiot and cutting him off, or avoiding him, like he is me. IThere’s been no word on any vampire attacks beyond ours since the orphanage, we’ve had no word that Juan has actually let anyone know about, and there hasn’t been any new hits or hints of a threat. Apart from my new living situation it’s like it never happened and no one mentions the lives we lost that day. I didn’t even get to bury them or pay my last respects. The cleanup crew moved in and their bodies were burned outside the city limits without anyone being told until after it was done. Like worthless trash that needed to be disposed of. A black mark Juan wanted to wipe clean and push out of sight, because he can never be seen to be failing at anything.Juan hiding more shame, the same way he hides his failure mate, Luna Sierra Santo. It seems he likes to keep secrets and pretend history is not what it is. I wonder how many of the stories of our victories of the war have been exaggerated and twisted. No one talks of the fallen, or the battles th
“Colton isn’t weak…. he’s confused. Even I can see that. What do you think Juan would do if he defied him and marked me on the full moon? Do you think Juan would send him away, send us away?” I have to know if there’s hope of changing his mind, that maybe Colton will still come through for me. Even if his behavior is telling me that he’s already pushed all indecision aside and chosen a path to take. I need to cling onto a tiny little ray that there’s still time to sway him.“I didn’t, until Cole told me he believes his father would find a way to take you from him if he defied his decision. Juan hasn’t said it outright, but he’s implied it. Cole’s worried you would be the one taken in the night the way his madre was and kept from him with no way of finding you again. God knows he hasn’t stopped trying to find her, but there’s no trace and those who know, they don’t speak about it. He
“You’ll always be my pack. No matter where you are. I love you like blood, you were meant to find me mi hermana, and I’ll never stop caring about you.” Her statement tells me she does know, and she isn’t going to argue about it. She’s a realist, and she knows my life won’t improve when Colton marks Carmen. I’ll be this inconvenient issue stuck in the way of Carmen’s happy ever after, and we both know she’s too spiteful to let that fly.“I know what I have to do to ensure my own safety, and my own future. I love you too, Meds. I’m sorry.” I guess deep down I’ve been churning this over for days, knowing it’s where I was heading, but until now, I didn’t want to face it or say the words. I’ve pulled my head apart, and churned my mind in circles over this, and it all kept coming to the same blank spot I didn’t want to fill in. You have to cut the roots to let the grass fly fre
I pick at my tray of food in the mess hall, pushing my salad around, completely distracted. Counting down the minutes before I can head upstairs, already on edge, unable to think about anything else despite telling myself I’m only making it worse. My nerves are already shot.Meadow is keeping her distance, sat down the far end of the long table because she knows she won’t be able to hold it in if we sit close. She isn’t really doing a great job of acting natural either and I can almost taste her tension waving this way. I catch her eyes on me a couple of times, but she looks away quickly, as though we’ve had some sort of lover’s tiff and I wish she would stop before someone picks up on it. I think she’s the reason I’m on such high alert because she’s adding to my stress levels. The rest of the sub pack are dotted around me, although still grouped in an obvious unit. I’m stuck between the twins, who decided they w
“I’m okay, and you’re right…I’ll eat later. I just need some quiet time to think.” I play it off coolly but inside so many warring emotions are kicking me in the ass, ripping my heart to shreds at the realization I have a chance of a real pack family with these people, and I’m leaving them behind. It’s hard to swallow, words sticking like glue in my throat, and my face aches with the effort of keeping my expression neutral. “Are you coming to the com room after chores?” Cesar startles me with this one, and I blink at him, completely non-plussed. Panic starting to set in that we might have some sort of meeting I have to show face for, or Colton will suspect. “Yeah, we decided we needed some pack hang time, a few beers, movie… all chillin together.” Radar finishes it for him, all eyes on me, standing awkwardly, poised, and I hesitate. Struggling to think up an instant refusal, while dying insid
The tears mist my eyes, my throat swelling so I almost can’t breathe as ache hits me low in the gut and threatens to make me crumble. I push the note back inside quickly, trying to combat it and flick through the cash, mentally counting almost two hundred dollars and it breaks the wall that’s been holding in the tears. I slump down onto the floor, like a disheveled sack and begin to cry, holding it close to my chest and completely break down. It’s not just for this, but for everything.Why now did I find my pack, at a time when I thought I had no other option? Why would the fates give me something closer to a real home, only to make it unreachable by the tiniest stretch?I have to pull myself together and stop being weak. None of this matters, and it doesn’t change things. I have to get my crap together and stick to what I decided. I have to stay strong and determined. I can’t break, because if I do, I won’t be able to put myself back to
I deserve that. I don’t know what to say to you. I’ve been a coward for days because I can’t face you. I guess we both know what’s going to happen in a week’s time. I don’t know how to say the words to you, or how to say sorry for what I’m going to do. In that one little statement he confirms my worst fears and solidifies my decision. Ripping what’s left of my shredded mutilated heart out, and stomping on it all over the floor until there’s nothing left but mess. He’s chosen to go through with marking her and this is his goodbye. His confirmation.Then don’t. Maybe just leave me alone until it’s done, and then we’ll see what happens from there. I need to go. I have to go do chores. I lie, trying to sound tough. Mentally scathing in tone, even if my body is starting to shake with the buildup of sobbing coming my way. Trembling as I try to hold it in, breathing fast and shallow. Throwing cold and snappy
I can’t see him… I can’t let him sway me, or touch me, or get close. My heart will betray me if I do.It’s followed by the squeak of one of the cleaning carts and I exhale in relief when it rolls right on by my room and fades into the distance. My body weak with relief, and I sprawl out star shaped on my bed, exhaling so heavily I let out a whoosh noise and then moan at my own stupid despair. Stop freaking out, Alora. You’re going to get yourself in such a mess and not be able to follow through. Relax, breathe, count. I put everything into doing just that, remember the techniques I used to use when I stayed in the home and couldn’t relax or sleep on nights when everything got to me too much. I picture a meadow, a sweet-scented field full of pretty flowers, and one by one as I walk through them, I count the heads, picking them out, touching them as I go. I visualize the colors, the feel of their softy silky petals on my fingers, a