PLEASURE AND GUILT

I hurriedly got up, but the person had already left. I was wondering who could have seen me. Nobody should ever see me like this. I went to bed and eventually managed to sleep.

The next day, I saw Jessica, and I kept looking at her face, hoping to see something. Anything. Who was in the house with her? I needed to know. So I asked if she usually stayed alone whenever her husband traveled, especially since the house was so big.

She looked at me and asked with a raised voice, “Who did you see?”

I caught the panic that flashed in her eyes before she masked it with a calm expression.

I decided to let it go.

We had fun later that day. Went shopping and planned to swim in the afternoon. I was happy James had traveled. For once, I could breathe. I didn’t have to lie there and take it while he fucked me like I was a thing.

My mind drifted back to last night. Guilt and pleasure battled inside me. What I did felt too good.

As we changed into our swimsuits, Jessica suddenly said, “Nice boobs.”

I blushed. And I couldn't help but notice hers. Full and plump. My eyes lingered.

What was I even thinking?

My mind was getting so corrupt these days. I needed to visit church.

Inside the pool, I told Jessica I touched myself last night. For the first time in my life. I didn’t know why I confessed it, but I just needed to tell someone. I knew she wouldn’t judge me. And I was right. She laughed and said she could lend me her toys. She even suggested watching some videos on my laptop.

I told her James wouldn’t like that.

She rolled her eyes and said, “Fuck James. That man of yours is not fun.”

We laughed and went back inside because I was starting to feel cold.

When I entered my room, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked curvy, with hard nipples visible beneath my thin swimsuit. I pulled on one nipple and moaned. I didn’t know where this sex drive was coming from. My pussy was soaking.

I remembered Jessica’s words about videos. I opened my laptop and searched.

I found a video of a girl using a toy. She was moaning. It was so damn sexy. I wanted that toy. I wanted to feel that kind of pleasure.

My hand squeezed my boobs. I bit my lip to muffle the sounds.

“Oh fuck,” I whispered.

My hand slipped down, parting my pussy lips. I was wet, swollen, aroused.

I rubbed my clit, gently at first, but I wanted more. I moaned louder this time.

My fingers slid inside, fucking myself. My hips moved. I couldn’t stop.

The room filled with my moans.

If anyone walked in, they’d catch me in this shameless, sinful act.

But I didn’t care.

The same heat from yesterday came rushing back. I rubbed harder, grinding against my fingers.

I needed more. I needed a real dick.

My pussy throbbed and then I came.

The orgasm crashed through me, and I collapsed into sleep.

I had a dream.

Someone was touching my pussy. Fingers parted my lips. A thumb stroked between them.

I moaned.

Lips pressed against me, licking up my juice. I wanted to push him away. But I moaned, “Please don’t stop.”

I didn’t want the dream to end.

I rolled my hips, begging for more. I was close. About to reach climax.

Then the person stopped.

They patted my head.

And I woke up.

I felt like someone had just left the room.

My thighs were soaked.

Was it really a dream?

I went to shower and came down for dinner. Jessica was already seated.

She said I seemed to have fallen asleep.

We ate. I kept stealing glances at her. I needed to know what was going on. What was this strange sexual desire I’d been feeling since I came to this house? Did she know the things I did upstairs?

James got back.

I had to go home.

Jessica and I hugged. She said she’d miss me. She mentioned our conversation again and offered to give me her sex toys.

I just laughed lightly and brushed it off.

The driver had arrived.

We hugged again.

And I went home to James.

Or should I say back to hell. Back to silence. Back to him.

When I got home, I saw James and couldn’t help but resent him. For all the times he used me to satisfy himself and left me alone.

He asked how my stay at Jessica’s place was.

My mind couldn’t stop flashing back to everything I did there. My body tingled with memory.

I just wanted to go inside, lie down, and process everything.

That night, James wanted sex. Said he missed me. He removed my clothes gently for the first time ever.

And for a moment, I wondered. Could he touch me like the man in my dream?

But no. James was the same. He thrusted into me, pounding like always. He didn’t rub my nipples. Not even down there. Was he really that old school?

I needed it to be quick. My mind drifted to the dream I had that day. My pussy began to get wet.

James moaned. He asked why I was so wet and sweeter today.

Then he came and collapsed beside me, falling asleep like it meant nothing.

Typical James.

But I was still horny. That dream had done something to me. My body screamed for more. I wanted freedom. I wanted to explore. I wanted to know how another man’s dick would feel in my pussy.

I took my phone and went to the other room. I searched for what Jessica told me about.

I saw all kinds of videos. Some even threesomes. And without realizing it, my hand was already down there.

I made up my mind. I was going to get that dildo. I would fuck myself with it anytime James wasn’t home.

I rocked my hips and moaned. The pleasure was uncontrollable. I came again.

I went to bed that night wishing I would have that dream again.

But I didn’t.

The next morning, James left for work. I stayed home. Idle.

I decided to go to church. We had a private room there where you could ask for forgiveness.

I knelt down and prayed. I felt guilty. I knew a married woman wasn’t supposed to seek pleasure for herself.

As I left the church, a part of me knew I wouldn’t stop.

I only did it to ease the guilt.

I went about my day like nothing had happened these past few days.

I called Jessica. She didn’t bring up anything about the sex toy again.

I was low-key disappointed, but also glad. At least I didn’t have to talk about something so awkward.

That night, I got a package.

It was a sexy red bra and pantyhose. A red dildo. Another small thing that vibrated when I turned it on. I quickly took them inside, ashamed that anyone would see me receiving something like this.

I thought Jessica had forgotten.

Turns out she hadn’t. She had already ordered them for me.

And I told myself it was fine. That I wasn’t the one who wanted them. She sent them.

I wore the bra. It was so sexy I couldn’t stop admiring myself in the mirror.

Would James approve of this or scold me?

I hid them. I didn’t want him to stop me from visiting her. Or for her to get in trouble because of me.

I read the instructions. Turned the toy on. It vibrated against my palm.

My pussy started pulsating.

I slipped it in already wet from anticipation and the thrill I was trying this for the first time. The rush of pleasure hit me.

“This feels good,” I moaned.

James would be back soon. I had to be quick.

I increased the speed. I was moaning, pinching my nipples, half-naked and loud with desire.

I was lost in it. I felt the orgasm rising. Before I could pull the toy out of my pussy, a second wave of orgasm hit me.

I came again.

My hips kept grinding. My clit throbbed. I pressed the vibrator harder.

I wanted more. I needed more.

Then I was snapped back to reality by a sound.

A message.

Unknown Number:

“I love it when you moan, sexy Mariam.”

I froze.

I stared at the screen. My hands trembled. My heart pounded.

Who sent this?

I looked around the room. The windows. The corners.

My laptop camera lens.

Was someone watching me?

Suddenly, the room felt cold. The silence was loud.

I dropped the vibrator.

I felt naked. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Someone had seen me.

And for the first time since this little taboo of mine began,

I wasn’t sure I was alone.