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SITTING IN SHAME WITHOUT RUNNING
publish date:
2026-10-30 19:45:31
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BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) SITTING IN SHAME WITHOUT RUNNING
The third time I attended therapy, Dr. Amina’s office smelled like lemon and old books. The typical smell for all ancient offices, I guessed. There was no couch. Just two chairs and a window that let in too much afternoon light."So," she said. "What brought you here today?" I almost laughed. "Where do I start? The forum? The drafts? The men?" "Start with what hurts right now," she said.What hurt right now was the quiet. The fact that no one was mad at me, and I was still mad at myself."I feel dirty," I said. The words came out flat. The thought of the things I'd done flashed in my mind. I was ashamed. Back then I thought I was experiencing freedom. I thought rebelling was the only way to be happy. It wasn't. I was never truly happy in that life. "Dirty how?" "Like I used people. Like I lied to James. Like I made a game out of my marriage and called it self-discovery." "Did you?" "Yes." "And did you also save yourself?" I stared at her with large eyes. Did I save myself?
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) THE RUMORS AND THE BOUNDARIES
Rumors travel faster than truth in Lagos. Especially when you’re a "church girl" who suddenly stops showing up.By Monday, the group chat had a new topic of discussion. "I heard Mariam and James are separating.""I heard she’s traveling.""I heard she’s... going through something."Jessica sent me screenshots. I stared at them for a long time. But I didn’t reply in the group. There was nothing I had to say to them. I didn't owe them any explanation. I called the two people I felt needed to hear from me. First, my mom. "Ma,whatever you hear, don't listen to them. Wait for me to tell you myself.” I said quietly. "I know," she said calmly. "Tell me when you're ready. Your father is asking questions, but don't rush. Are you okay?" "Yes," I said. "I’m becoming okay." "Then that’s all I need to know."I felt grateful. I didn't need pressure and somehow she understood that. After we hung up, I called James. I told him to meet and we met at a quiet buka in Surulere. Neutral ground. "
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) QUESTIONS I DIDN’T OWE ANSWERS TO
The first person to notice was my mom. Of course it was her. She was the only one who ever truly paid close attention to me. As much as I resented her for the kind of life I lived while growing up, I knew she was as much a victim as I was. The only difference was I chose to fight for a different life for myself. A life where I called the shots. "Mariam, you’ve been quiet," she said on the phone one Sunday morning. Church was over. She always called after service. The first question she always asked was “Did you go to church?”And I'd lie each time and tell her “yes, I did.”"James said you’re not coming for dinner next week."I was sitting on my apartment floor with tea and the new journal. "I’m taking some time, Ma." I said quietly. I was grateful to James that he hadn't told my family about my leaving. I wasn't ready yet. I knew the backlash that'd come with the news. I wasn't ready yet. "Time for what? You and James are fine, abi?" She asked with a hint of worry in her voice.
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) THE FIRST WEEK OF QUIET
The apartment was small. Aa one bedroom. White walls. A window that looked out onto an alley in Yaba where generators hummed at night and students argued over suya at 2am. Nothing fancy. No collar on the counter. No hotel keycard in my bag. No one texting "You’re quiet. That’s new." No fear of being caught doing the wrong things. It was just me and the noise I’d spent years trying to outrun. But somehow this noise felt pleasant. Almost welcome. The first few days blurred past like they were on a chase. I didn't think I'd survive them, but I did. As much as the quiet felt like a noose around my neck some days, it felt freeing too. Day 1: I slept 14 hours. Woke up and cried in the shower because no one was waiting on the other side of the door. Day 2: I cleaned. Top to bottom. Like if I made the space clean enough, my head would follow. Day 3: I didn’t answer James’ call. I texted: "I’m okay. I need space." He replied: "Take all the space." Day 4: I opened my notes app. Stared at
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) THE CONFESSION I OWED MYSELF FIRST
I didn’t go home that night. I left Darius's hotel, but I didn't return home. I drove. No music. No destination. Just Lagos at 2am, empty roads and streetlights making long lines on the windshield. Lagos wasn't known to be quiet, not even at night. But somehow the night was silent. Like it knew I needed the quiet and it was respecting my wish. Darius’ words were still in my head: "I followed instructions. Yours."Instructions I wrote when I was 19 and terrified of my own wanting. Instructions I buried and then dug up and pretended I didn’t recognize.By 4am I was parked outside my house. James’ car was there. His light was on in the study. He was finally back. There was no excitement at the thought of his return. He was probably waiting. Or pretending not to.I sat in the car until the sky turned pale. Then I went inside.He looked up from his laptop. He looked tired. Older. "Where were you?" he asked. There was no anger. Just exhaustion. Like he had finally come to terms with th
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) THE NAME I GAVE HIM
I didn’t answer Jessica when she texted again. I didn’t answer Darius either. After the two workers had left, I sat in the dark until the sun came up and the house filled with that thin, grey light that makes everything look like evidence. I didn't know whether to feel guilty for allowing my body control me, or to appreciate the good fuck that had somehow settled my nerves to an extent. My body still tingled from their touch. My pussy ached sweetly, reminding me of how many times they'd brought me to a good end. That was the best fuck I'd ever had. Maybe because it was with two men, but no one, not even Darius had even made me squirt so much I was practically swimming in my juices. I knew the maids would have a field day while cleaning the dining room. We'd made so much mess, it was impossible for them to not know what had happened there. At 9:12am I did the thing I’d been avoiding. I searched for the name: D_arkVisitor and m_hidden19. They appeared on the same forum. Same year.
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) EXPLORE
I wanted things to work between James and I. I wanted so badly for him to see me as more than just a woman he married, more than just a possession he could bring out, decorate, fuck, and tuck away when he was done. Maybe if he ever looked at me like I mattered, like I had desires too, I wouldn't h
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) FIRST PUNISHMENT
I stared at the text. “Don’t be late.”I knew I didn’t want to find out what my lateness would cost, so I got dressed and left without the driver. I boarded a cab and went there.I was scared and uncertain, but I still went. I got there and walked into the apartment in this lonely off-town place. A
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) WHO IS IN THE DARK?
Scared I was exposed. I got up quickly and hid away the package I got and went to freshen up. I was panicking so bad, thinking: who was this person? Who saw me? I had a lot of questions, and I needed to uncover this secret. Nobody was supposed to find out about my secret.James got back. I kept on
BEHIND THE MASK (DARK ROMANCE) PLEASURE AND GUILT
I hurriedly got up, but the person had already left. I was wondering who could have seen me. Nobody should ever see me like this. I went to bed and eventually managed to sleep.The next day, I saw Jessica, and I kept looking at her face, hoping to see something. Anything. Who was in the house with
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