Chapter Three

Alex sat on the floor in the living room, knees drawn close towards him, lost in thought.

He had remained in that position ever since he dialed the number he found in his dad's most recent call log which had a colleague of his dad arrive in a few minutes alongside an emergency van and several other staffs of the hospital.

He felt an unexplainable pain in his chest as he watched them wheel his dad's lifeless body away. Dr. Reeds, his dad's colleague and friend, walked up to him to console him and tell him not to worry too much as he already spoke to an older relative. Who the relative was or what they even spoke about, Alex had no idea but still couldn't bring himself to ask.

The entrance to the door was still wide open and he could hear voices and sympathetic sounds coming from the neighbors who had just heard of the tragic incident, reminding him of how pathetic his life had become in only a few hours.

"Alex sweetheart!"

Alex raised his head to see a woman dressed in dark jeans and a bright yellow blouse appear from the door. She had dark hair tied up in a messy bun and carried a black bag she dropped on the sofa as she rushed towards him.

She looked familiar but Alex couldn't place a finger on where exactly he had seen her or who exactly she was- maybe it was because his eyes had gotten puffy, therefore blurring his vision or it was because just like him, his brain was in too much pain to work.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry pet," she said then wrapped her arms around him. On realizing he didn't reciprocate the action, she pulled away to look at him. "Don't you recognize me? It's me. Your Aunt Carol."

"Oh," the mention of her name did the trick. He blinked one more time and finally recognized her. "Aunt Carol."

He did finally remember her but wasn't with her looking the way she did. He remembered her as one of those aunts in flowery patterned dresses and hair done in the most unattractive hairstyles. Now, she was in skinny jeans and a top that only showed off an amazing figure.

"How are you?" She placed her hand on his cheeks and caressed it. "I'm so sorry. Must have been so shocking."

"How are you here?" he asked her in reply. From what he remembered, she lived in the U.S and only came over on extremely rare occasions which included when his mum died and now, his dad. "I don't think i-"

"I had boarded a plane and was on my way here already before it all happened," she replied. "We kept in touch, you know? Me and your dad. So I just came visiting. It was to be a normal family visit but immediately I landed, I got the tragic call from Dr. Reeds."

"Oh, you know Dr. Reeds?" he asked, then looked at her. "Oh."

"Yeah, I did," she nodded. "I needed to."

"Needed to?"

She took his hands in hers and gave them a squeeze. "I know he never told you about it but your dad has been really sick for a while," she continued. "Your mum's departure really affected him and I guess all that thinking what was contributed to him being hypertensive."

"What?" Alex's voice was almost shaking. How much more was he unaware of? All those times his dad had withdrawn himself and became a wreck after his mum's death had taken a negative toll on his health and he had no idea. "For how long?- oh my God I had no idea."

"I know," she took Alex's hands again, preventing him from running them through his hair in frustration. "I know he was so cold for so long and I really kept on asking him to tell you but he felt guilty about neglecting you when your mum died and didn't want to bother you or add to your problems again."

"God," he finally returned his head to its original position. "I feel so- I don't know, how am I supposed to feel?"

"It's not your fault," she raised his head to look at him directly in the eye. "You were and are still so young. There was nothing you could do."

Alex remained silent.

"It's a shams things turned out this way," she spoke up. "I was coming over just to see my brother again and get familiar with you before- God. He said he was managing it well though. I know you both weren't all that close but do you know if anything happened that made him stressed or suddenly shocked? Anything? Maybe work or something else you noticed?"

Alex felt his stomach churn as he recalled the last conversation he had with his dad. It was truly all his fault.

“No,” Alex shook his head. “All I told him was that I got accepted into college. He seemed happy about it and that was all.”

How could he bring himself to tell her the actual truth? That he, as a matter of fact, was responsible for his father’s death. That he, was the reason his dad felt a sudden shock that made his blood pressure rise to the point of him dying. That all that happened could have been prevented if he had simply kept his stupid mouth shut about him being gay.

He couldn’t and for every second that passed, the fast growing self-hatred in him spread through his whole body.

“Yeah about that,” she continued. “He seemed really excited about that. Part of the reasons I came over. He wanted you to stay over at my place in the U.S.”

“Oh,” Alex muttered. Her words no longer made sense to him as all he could think about were the numerous what-ifs in his head.

“But we’ll talk about that some other time,” she got up on her feet. “I know it’s hard on you but you have to pick yourself up. You’ve still got me and I’m your family.”

“Oh.”

“Mhm,” she nodded. “I have to go now. There’s a lot to do and barely enough time. I have to make arrangements for the funeral and all so I have to go. Do take care of yourself, Alex.”

She turned to leave then stopped halfway to go back to Alex.

“Like I said, I know this is hard but we need to move on. You need to move on. You’re resuming college very soon, you know?”

He simply looked up at her, uttering no words.

“Here,” she handed a paper bag over to him. “It’s quite sudden so I guessed you wouldn’t have anything to wear to the funeral. I’ll come pick you up tomorrow for it so get ready. I have to go now. Take care.”

He collected the bag from her and then watched her leave, the house immediately feeling empty as she did. After a while, he peeped into the bag to meet a black suit alongside a white shirt and black tie.

What she had forgotten was that it wasn’t the first time he was going to be attending a funeral. Of a loved one, at that.

---

Alex barely slept that night as he simply tossed and turn in bed all night, allowing himself wallow in thoughts of self hatred and guilt.

Though he and his dad were never close and barely spoke to each other- the few times they did, their words collectively not up to a stanza of poem, he had no idea how much relief it brought him just knowing his dad was doing fine and breathing well rooms away from him. Not dead and locked up in a room that was probably cold and dark.

His aunt arrived as early as 7am and was surprised to see Alex all dressed up in the black suit she had bought it. Giving him a sympathetic hug and showering him with questions that could have seemed less pathetic, she ushered him into her car and they both arrived at the funeral in few hours.

The whole funeral procession seemed awfully familiar to Alex. The same dozens of unfamiliar faces and the usual array of sympathetic words and smiles. By his side was his aunt and she did a good job at returning every sick smile she was offered. Alex stared at her in awe as she did, wondering how she did that as he was barely able to mumble back half of the pleasantries thrown at him.

The procession finished earlier than Alex expected. He dropped the final roses his aunt was kind enough to get him on his dad's casket, aware of everyone's gaze on him. As the majority of the crowd sniffled, muttered final prayers and words, Alex silently asked for forgiveness from his dad. Deep down he knew he might never get forgiven but he still asked for it nevertheless.

His aunt drove them back home with him at the back seat. The drive was silent with Aunt Carol's attention fixed on the road, Alex's fixed on the window as he gazed out. Numerous things were on his mind and afraid a single word from his would make it obvious, he simply kept his mouth shut throughout the ride.

"Let's go."

His aunt finally spoke up when they got home. He nodded in response and stepped out of the car, having his aunt lead the way as they walked into the empty house.

"So, what now?" he asked the moment they stepped into the interior part of the house.

His aunt turned to face him then replied. "I know it might seem all too soon but you're moving."

"Moving?"

"Yes," she nodded. "With me. To the U.S. It was always the plan but no one just expected it to happen you know, this way."

Alex simply nodded in response. He wasn't dumb. "How soon though?"

"In a couple of days," she moved closer to him. "About two. I have a lot to do back home and your college seems to be resuming earlier than you expected."

"Oh."

"You should start packing your things," she gave him a light pat on the shoulder. "What do you think? Do you need me to stay back and help you pack?"

"No, no," he quickly rejected her offer. "You don't have to. I can pack myself."

"Alright then," she flashed him a light smile. "You should start packing your things then. Sadly, I have to go again to sort out things but I'll be back in the evening. Latest, at night."

"Oh okay," he replied her. "Alright then."

"Take care of yourself, Alex."

She gave him a light squeeze on the shoulder then walked out of the living room. As she left, he felt a fresh wave of guilt surge through him. At least he was given the opportunity to sulk and feel bad cause he had lost the only member of his nuclear family left but she also had a reason to. Her brother had just died and instead of crying in a corner, she was all over the place doing all the adult stuffs and making sure things got well arranged.

He took slow steps to his room and slumped on his bed the minute he got there. He barely had an appetite and as a result, had skipped breakfast that morning and was already planning on skipping lunch too. He previously never had to really worry about breakfast as his dad was always there to take care of it with his card being readily available to foot the bills of whatever he decided to order for lunch. Now that his dad was gone, it just didn't feel right to have breakfast without him or lunch with his debit card.

He got up and sighed. He wasn't to be sulking when just like his aunt, he had things to do. He had to pack. For college and for his relocation.

He pulled out a travelling bag and opened it. It was all he had and it was barely going to be enough if he wanted to pack all his things with him. He sat on the floor, stared at the travelling bag and his surrounding and sighed again.

As he got up to head to his closet, his aunt caught a familiar row of colors. He walked towards his dressing mirror and picked up the pride flag, groaned internally and tossed it straight into the trash can.

"Ah that's not all," he muttered to himself as he spotted the flyer still laying on his dressing mirror. Without hesitation, he picked it and was about to rip it apart when his eyes caught the words printed in bold. "Love yourself for who you are."

He scoffed at the words and attempted to rip the paper apart. His fingers failed him as with every attempt to tear it, he ended reading the words over again.

"What am I supposed to do?" Alex let out to no one, falling to the floor. Giving up on ripping the flyer into bits, he let it slip out of his hand to the floor. "What use is loving myself for who I am? I killed my dad just doing that."

Without his permission, tears began to roll down his cheeks in frustration. He remained on the floor, confuses on what to do as he stared at the travelling bag and the flyer.

A thought suddenly struck him. Yes, he was traveling in only a few days to start a new life so why not live the rest of the few days of his old life to the fullest?

He laughed like a lunatic at the thought. Whatever managed to come over him within such a short timespan. He got up, picked the flyer for the pride parade and for the first time, smiled at it.

He might just as well decide to live as gay one more final time before leaving to start a new life in the U.S in a few days.

One more time.