BLUE

Alex Croft was going to be graduating high school in a few days and he was literally counting down to the big moment.

High school had never been one of his favorite places to be and it still took him by surprise whenever he thought about how he managed to survive the 6 years of it. They were far from being six years of pleasure as he spent them alone. Literally, alone.

He had always been by himself for as long as he could remember. The last time he could remember probably having someone he could call a friend was elementary school. Ever since his friend then moved and changed schools, he was left alone and simply had no interest in making new friends. He continued like that throughout elementary school and when he finally transferred to his new high school with hope of becoming a bit more friendly, his life took a drastic turn.

Few days into his new school, his mum fell sick. He and his parents shared the basic relationship most families shared with each other so quite naturally, his mum's sickness affected him. It worried him as she only seemed to get worse with every one of the numerous pills she consumed and the array of Goodwill messages she received.

Exactly two weeks into grade seven, his mum was pronounced dead. Alex could swear he felt a piece of his heart drop to the ground and shatter into pieces as he received the news. The memory never left his head- the doctor trying to maintain eye contact with him as he broke the news while he kept on trying to maintain eye contact with his dad as he, wailed and screamed into his mum's lifeless body.

Her death took a toll on everyone in ways Alex never imagined. His dad became sad and he naturally became sadder. There were no relatives to console them and it was just him with his dad who only became a bigger wreck everyday.

However, one thing Alex had never been able to do was console anyone, not even himself. He watched his dad become sadder day by day and barely did anything to help or even uttered words to him. To his defense, he was just as sad on the unexpected departure of his mum and his dad was the older one who was to do the consoling. If anything, he should have seen her death coming as he was a doctor.

He knew his dad felt useless probably because he couldn't save his wife despite him being a doctor and in return, Alex felt just as useless as he couldn't make his dad feel better despite being his son. As the pain in both their hearts grew stronger, their bond grew weaker and it only took a couple of months for them both to get used to barely speaking to each other.

It took close to a whole term for Alex's dad to seemingly get over his wife's death. He finally stopped mopping around the house hopelessly and when Alex got back from school, he no longer met empty bottles of beer littering the house.

After a long while, like it had never happened, they both moved past the only woman in their lives' death. They tried to return to being a normal family and do the normal things expected of them like eating breakfast together and asking how they both were.

However, they were both like two peas in a pod. Alex took after his dad a great deal and that included him taking after the awkwardness his dad had always had when it came to relating with people. They both related not because they wanted to but because they felt like it was something they both had to do. The awkwardness was always there and neither of them had neither the clue or intention on making things better.

Before they both realized it, they became comfortable living like that. Their relationship was plain but at least they did the basics together like having breakfast together and from his dad's side- providing his son with everything he needed, mostly financially and from Alex's side- being a good son by bringing home report cards containing straight As.

His dad was never there for him when he needed a dad and honestly, Alex rarely needed him to be one. He had far gotten used to being by himself and solving all his problems by himself and when the problems got bigger than he could handle, simply slept and let them handle themselves.

He remembered vividly the first time he had a problem he couldn't handle by himself. It was the first time his heart felt funny just by looking at someone. It was weird as it twitched, leaped and suddenly began to beat faster.

For the first time, he contemplated asking his dad. After all, he was a doctor and he probably should have a solution to it. Maybe some pills would help or though he really dreaded it, some injections.

Not much to his surprised, he dissed the idea and quickly resorted to checking the internet. He needed a logical explanation to why his heart beat faster whenever he set his eyes on that someone. A logical explanation to why his body felt funny whenever that someone was around him.

It had to be the first time Alex had his phone slip out of his hands unconsciously. He blinked several times, reloaded the page numerous times and read the line over and over again but it still said the same thing. Apparently, he liked that person. Or at least, so the internet said.

That night, Alex barely slept. He couldn't get what he read out of his mind and to make it worse, he couldn't understand why the person he supposedly liked was a boy, not a girl.

The next day, unknown to his dad, he ditched school to make more researches. After reading at least ten different articles, he was sure the reason his heart beat that fast when he was around that person was because he had a crush on him and after reading about fifteen more, he was sure he was gay.

His first discovery came as exciting to him but the second was more of terrifying. So terrifying, he shut his laptop and vowed to never revisit the page.

He quickly broke his vow to himself as after few hours of tossing and turning on his bed, he was back to the page, this time searching on how to not like boys anymore. It was the longest and most futile time he had spent on the internet as his close to 7 hours of roaming didn't result in anything he wanted.

He was fifteen then and after a year, he finally accepted he couldn't get rid of that side of him. As he clocked sixteen, he had a different wish other than wishing to no longer be gay, it was to be able to hide it from both his dad and himself forever.

Accepting it brought more ease to himself than he thought. He resumed the tenth grade with the hope to never come out to anyone or get into situations that could warrant him ever coming out. His conclusion was simple- never make friends or allow anyone come close to him at school and at home, stay as distant as possible as he could from his dad.

His plan had been going perfectly well ever since and he just needed it to go on like that for the next few days left for him to finally graduate high school.

"Alex, breakfast is ready!"

Letting out a sigh, he dropped his notebook into his backpack and flung it around his shoulder. He stared at his tall figure in the mirror, using his hands to brush away the strands of his black hair falling to his face. He smiled at himself, adjusted his tie and turned to leave his room.

"Coming!"

He replied his dad in a loud voice and headed down the stairs. It was a traditional for his dad to scream to him telling him breakfast was ready and for him to have him scream 'coming' in an even louder voice. Considering that most of their other conversations were had in mumbles, it only made sense that they both took the only opportunity they had to scream at each other well.

"You'll be finally done with high school in about two days?" his dad said as he walked into the dining. "Wow. I can't believe you've grown this far."

"I know right," Alex replied, taking a seat. His eyes met his dad's and on realizing he seemed to have more to say, he grabbed a glass of water and placed it close to him.

"How has it been so far?"

"Eh? Well, quite the ride," Alex replied his dad then emptied the content of the glass down his throat knowing fully well he was going to regret having water on an empty stomach.

"And if everything works out well, in a few weeks you should be out of this country going to college!"

"Mhm," Alex's response was mumbled. He gave his dad a questioning look as he noticed he still seemed to have more to say.

It was unusual for them to talk for that long and Alex was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Normally, all they did was exchanged mumbled pleasantries during breakfast and then have the rest of their meal in silence but that morning seemed to be taking a different turn.

"Alex," his dad continued. "You're quite grown now. I know we've never really had the perfect relationship and I wish it could be better but-"

The sound of Alex's cutlery hitting the plate made him stop. He glanced at Alex for a while, pressed his lips together then continued.

"What I was trying to say is, I just hope you know you don't have to keep anything from me."

"Anything from you?" Alex felt his grip on his fork tighten. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," his dad stretched his hand forward. "Anything. You'll soon be going away and we wouldn't see each other for quite a long time so just, anything."

"Oh," Alex suddenly wished he wasn't in a hurry to finish his glass of water. He had a lot of things his dad didn't know about him and honestly didn't mind him finding out about them all except him being gay. It was his dreaded secret and he planned on keeping it with him forever.

"Like if you want something!" his dad quickly added in an oddly cheerful voice. "Maybe somewhere you've always wanted to go! Or you want a raise in your allowance. Just anything!"

"Oh," Alex broke into an awkward chuckle. "Ah, I see."

"Yes," his dad continued. "I won't bite after all, so why not."

"Ah, yes. Of course. Of course, you couldn't."

The rest of the breakfast was eaten in silence. When they were done, Alex mumbled his goodbyes and left the house to catch the bus to school.

The loud noise that came from the differents kids as they boarded the bus wasn't enough to distract Alex's unsettled mind. He got in, walked and sat in a corner and involuntarily allowed the short conversation he had with his dad replay in his head.

As the bus moved with his head rested on the window, he couldn't help but wonder what his dad actually meant or what prompted his impromptu words. Could he perhaps have found out?

Readjusting his sitting position, he quickly dismissed the thought of that being the case. He couldn't have. He never made it obvious or even spoke about it.

He took out his phone then uselessly looked around him as he lowered the brightness. He could feel his heart beating faster as he typed in G****e and typed in the words 'coming out'.

He spent close to ten minutes reading different coming out stories and by the time he was done, began to wonder why he never even thought about coming out to his dad. Some of the stories ended well and though some ended in the opposite manner, he couldn’t help but imagine how his might have ended up if he ever did come out to his dad.

After a short while of thinking, he realized him not coming out wasn’t as a result of fear. He never really liked that part of himself so he just didn’t want it to be associated with him.

He sighed then slid his phone down his pocket. It was useless to try to push that side of him away though. He had been like that and even after years, it just never seemed to change.

Reminiscing on his dad’s words, he realized truthfully he was going to be leaving the country in a few weeks as long as things went as planned. It meant a fresh start and a new life.

Much to his surprise, a thought of him coming out to his dad struck his mind. As he thought of it, he realized coming out to his dad was not going to be making any difference to him. He had no intentions of being gay and even if he did, his dad’s opinion was barely going to matter to him. He had made all his major decisions without his opinion and had gotten comfortable doing that.

He bit his lip, different possiblities roaming his mind. He couldn’t even guess what his dad’s reaction was going to be. The worst he could think of was getting kicked out of the house and if he was going to be honest, it didn’t scare him. Even if he did kick him out of the house, he was going to be out of the country in a few weeks to start all over so what was going to change?

The bus came to an halt, Alex’s thoughts also doing the same. Tightening the grip on his backpack, he got up and proceeded to get off the bus.

“Hey mate! Alex!”

Alex turned to meet a guy he could swear he had never seen smiling at him. The only thing familiar about him was his uniform as Alex was putting on the same exact one.

“Congrats mate,” the guy finally gave Alex a light punch on shoulder. “Finally done with high school. Cool!”

The guy flashed him a smile and walked over to meet his other seemingly friends. They all wore the same uniform and from the vibe they all emitted, Alex could guess they were all rejoicing on being done with high school, just like him.

What he however found surprising was that he was spoken to. Even more surprising by his name. He had no idea who the guy was and even more, had no idea people around knew his name or even knew he existed.

He had been trying to live is whole life as invisible as possible and trying to call the least attention towards himself and yet.

If a total stranger knew his name and what class he was in, he only could imagine how much information about him people could see when he the bearer, thought he had been doing a great job at being invisible.

Much to his helplessness, he couldn’t help but think of his dad probably knowing more about him than he thought.

And he couldn’t help but feel a bit terrified and excited at the thought.