Penny had not been annoyed because she too, longed for more than just his embrace. But she had been hurt and Jeremy had known it.
"Look, baby" he tried to explain. "Please don't start thinking that I don't respect you anymore, or that I'm just out for some fun, or any damn fool thing like that. I'm serious about you —more serious than I have ever been in my life about any woman. I love you and I want you like hell. It's natural.. Just nature, that's all. Do you understand?"
Yes, Penny had understood, but she had withdrawn from his embrace, afraid that his ardour would over rule her self made barriers. She loved Jeremy desperately, wanting him as much as he wanted her, but deep down inside her she knew her heart's desire was more than an affair. She wanted a husband and children.
She tried to explain to him, leaving out any mention of marriage but Jeremy had not guessed at her feelings.
"A casual affair!" he had repeated. "Good lord, Penny. I'm not suggesting such a thing. That would be an insult. It's not just a night or two I want you... It's every night... Always"
"Always!" Penny had echoed, her heart soaring in happiness. "Then Jeremy, let's get married right away, tomorrow. I don't mind how soon...."
She left the sentence unfinished, seeing the expression on his face.
"I can't get married now" he said, avoiding her eyes. "You see, darling, I don't have the job I want yet. You know i don't want to work for my father. I am a strong believer in independence. Be beholden to no one is my motto. I want freedom, and independence is the only way to achieve it."
Freedom! The word sang in Penny's ears as she listened to the hiss of the gas under the kettle. Financial freedom or freedom from ties did he mean? She did not know what was in Jeremy's mind and she could not ask him. That was one of penalties of being a woman. It was not for her to take the initiative and no one knew better than she did that if Jeremy wanted to marry her eventually he would ask her.
Penny poured the boiling water into the tea pot and carried the tray through to the sitting room.
'If only I were sure Jeremy would marry me one day, i would live with him now' she thought. 'if he would ask me to get engaged, then it would be alright. Lots of people believe in trying out marriage before they tie themselves up for life. It's possibly a good idea but..... '
Always there were 'buts'. Apart from her reluctance to live 'in sin' as it was commonly called. Penny knew that something else was stopping her. She was afraid. Yes, afraid that in drawing closer to Jeremy she would inevitably grow even more fonder of him than she was now... If that were possible. And she was sure it would be so.
She was also scared that he might her tired of her and leave her and then she would suffer in the same way, perhaps even more, then she had done with Howard had died.
Penny felt utterly exhausted by this prolonged fight between her reasoning powers and her emotions.
Her phone rang, startling Penny back to the immediate present. She knew it was was Jeremy; so certain that it was he, that she let the phone ring. She did not want to speak to him now. She decided to be strong... It ignore the call. She longed desperately to hear his voice, but she did not want to listen in case he should ask her —outright —to live with him. She had reached no decision.
The phone rang three times... Then he didn't call again. Penny put her hot face in her hands —trembling with nerves, frantically sorry now for the strength she had shown.
Without looking at the phone she knew it was Jeremy. He had known that she intended returning to her flat after their lunch party, in order to do some work she had collected that morning.
But maybe it was Audrey. Audrey often came to stay with her sometimes and she usually called before she did.
Audrey Raines was Penny's best friend since high school. Audrey was two years older than Penny. She was unmarried and lived alone. She and Penny were different in character, in their tastes, in looks, but a strong tie of friendship bound them together.
Penny's first guess had been correct. It was Jeremy and not Audrey who had called. Soon —just after six o'clock, she heard him in the driveway.
She leaned out the window, her heart leaping as she saw him —all her grief, her despair vanishing —and waved to him. Nothing remained but her own dazzling crazy love for him.
"Can i come up?" Jeremy shouted.
She nodded.
A few minutes later, Jeremy came through the open doorway and gathered her into his arms.
"What on earth happened to you?" he asked. His lips covered hers before she could reply, his heart beat against her soft breast. "I have been worried stiff. You didn't pick up my call"
She lifted her face, eyes shut for his kisses.
"Damn it, darling, why didn't you pick up my calls?" he asked huskily, "Or were you out... Or Busy?"
Penny walked over to the table and choose a cigarette from the carved wooden box.
"No i wasn't" she said.
"Then why didn't you answer?" Jeremy persisted. "You are not sick.. Are you?"
"No! I was just.. Oh, i don't know. I can't think straight.. I feel frightful" she said, hiding her face against his shoulder.
"Haven't you made up your mind about us?" Jeremy asked, his voice softening.
"Not altogether" she whispered.
Jeremy moved to the sofa and pulled her down beside him. "look here, darling" he said. "We've got to get this business straightened out and we can't until you tell me honestly what is bothering you. What is it? You shouldn't be afraid of tell me. I can take it"
She was glad that he smiled. It eased the tension.
"Should i? Should I tell him?" she thought. 'why not?'
"Jeremy, it isn't really my place to say this" she said aloud, "But you have asked me to speak out, so I will. It's that... I suppose every woman feels this way about the man she loves... It's just that I want to be sure —not of myself, but of you. So I want to get married first"
It was a relief having said it, but she didn't have the courage to look at Jeremy's face. She listened, waiting for him to speak."Well, I agree it might be better" Jeremy said slowly. "But, honey, it just isn't possible at the moment. I can't ask you marry me now when I don't have enough money. It wouldn't be fair to you""Oh Jeremy. I don't care" she said breathlessly. "it doesn't matter to me whether we have one penny or millions. I can go on with my art. I can keep and take care of myself""No can do" Jeremy said. "I want to be able to support my wife... Not the other way around"Penny stiffened and the expression on her face became fixed. Jeremy reached across to her but she did not relax."Please, darling" he said gently. "Try and understand. I want to marry you, but it's financially impossible. That's the only reason, and I swear it. Look, Penny, if you like we can get engaged"
A little calmer, she carried the tea tray through to the sitting room. Jeremy was standing with his back to the fire, his legs splayed apart, cigarette between his lips. A faint haze of smoke permeated the atmosphere.Penny paused in the doorway, the picture striking her into immobility, it was as if she were seeing a stage set and most important of all, she knew that it was absolutely right. It was just as she had imagined it would be that afternoon when she realized her little flat needed a masculine presence and the smell of cigarette to make it complete, perfect. As suddenly as it had come, every trace of Penny's nervousness had left her. She felt curiously cool... Mistress of the situation."You look very....domesticated" Jeremy said, coming towards her and taking the tray from her hands. "Where do I put this?" he asked."Anywhere" Penny replied, happiness rising inside her in a bright frothy bubble. "On the t
Holding her gaze, he lowered his head and kissed her gently, seducing her mouth with slow, practised kisses until her whole body was shivering."Relax, sweetheart …" He murmured the words against her lips, holding himself still as her body melted around him, until she was moaning and quivering. Then he started to move, slowly at first, infinitely gentle as he taught her what her body could do.It was overwhelming. Like nothing she’d ever experienced or imagined."Jeremy—" Her voice broke and he slid his hand under her hips and drew her against him, controlling her pleasure.The excitement was fierce and hot, clawing at her as he increased the rhythm, and she met each driving thrust with wild abandon. It was wild and crazy and the climax hit like a violent storm. As it crashed down on them, Penny clung to his slick shoulders, shattered by the violence of the emotion that swamped both of them.-------
"Hello —what's the time?" he asked."Seven fifteen" Penny told him. "I have brought you a cup of tea"Jeremy sat up. Completely unselfconscious, he stretched his arms, rubbed his chest, and grinned at her like a school boy."Gosh! I feel good" he said. "Darling, put that cup of tea down and come here".Obediently, Penny placed the cup on the bedside table and sat down beside him, pulling her dressing gown across her knees"Modest little sweet, aren't you?" he said, still smiling. But before she could answer, he pulled her against him with a quick gesture and kissed her on the mouth. Then he held her at arms length and said :"Let me look at you. Yes, you are still as lovely as ever. Some women look ghastly in the morning... You both look and smell beautiful""I've just had a bath" Penny replied, but she was thinking : 'I was right.
Long after Jeremy had gone to the office, Penny remembered those words. They cast a shadow over her happiness. His attitude towards age worried her. She could never be satisfied to accept a statement without proving into it. And Jeremy's emotions were already part of her life. She was wise enough to know that a man who wants to stay young forever is usually one who avoids ties, responsibilities and the thought of settling down.Then she remembered that Jeremy had asked her to marry him, at least to become engaged, and the shadow lifted. Only the disturbing impression remained.-----------------Penny was too busy during the morning to think of anything but domestic problems. As soon as the flat was clean she joined the queues and by lunch time had completed the shopping. In spite of her early breakfast, she did not feel hungry. She was satisfied with bread and cheese and a cup of coffee.That afterno
Absurd, of course, but what would he say, if he were to return now, suddenly and unexpectedly and find her here with Jeremy? Would he understand? No, he had been too young to realize what loneliness meant and he believed in woman's essential goodness. He had never been as broadminded as Jeremy. She could not imagine a Howard grown older and wiser, for he had been so young when he died. She, herself, had changed, grown up, despite what Jeremy said sometimes about her immaturity. And that first marriage was past, deep in the past. It was almost as if it had never been.Penny was preparing the white sauce for a cauliflower when Jeremy arrived that evening. She heard his footsteps outside the door, and the silence as he stopped to feel for the key under the carpet on the top step where she had told him she would hide it since he hated taking the key out because he always misplaced it. The door opened. He called out:"Hello, darling! I've got a s
Penny could not bear to hear him use that tone of voice any longer. She knew he was being unreasonable. Probably he knew it too, but he was being stubborn, so she must be the one to give in."Darling, if you really want me to, I will call Audrey and tell her. I will say I'm ill or something" she said."Oh, don't bother" Jeremy said ungraciously. "It doesn't really matter, anyway.""It does, of course it does" Penny cried, a little of her control leaving her as she realized that this stupid discussion was developing into a quarrel. She could stand most things, but not a quarrel with Jeremy."Darling, I will call her now. Audrey will understand" she said quietly.Jeremy stood watching her as she went across the room to get her phone. As she reached for it, he said :"No. Don't. I have some work to do anyways, so maybe I will just do it then, and maybe lodge at an hotel if I get too ti
"Keep still" Jeremy said. "I will rub you down. Oh, poor pet, it must have been some nightmare. You are soaking wet!""Honey, I'm so sorry... Getting you out of bed, waking you up" Penny murmured, filled with remorse."Would you like a cup of tea?" he asked."I would love one!" Penny said gratefully. "You are wonderful to me!""Like one myself" Jeremy said, grinning at her. "You stay there and try and get warm. I will be back in a moment"Penny curled herself into a ball and rubbed her feet against each other until the shivering gradually stopped. Warmth came back into her limbs and with it a rush of love and gratitude towards Jeremy. One or twice before she had had such nightmares and had lain wet and shivering until the morning, unable to return to sleep. But tonight she had him to comfort her, bring everything back to normal, to take care of her. It was lovely not be