Chapter 15

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore as Max’s words replayed in my head on a loop, each syllable digging deeper into the fragile walls I’d built around myself. How could you be so careless, Lila? A one night stand? With no protection? The sheer judgment in his voice had felt like knives cutting through my skin.

I rubbed my hands down my face, trying to erase the memory, but it was burned into my mind. The shame coiled tightly in my chest like a living, breathing thing. It was suffocating.

I had known this moment would come. The moment someone would ask me the hard questions and I’d have no choice but to answer. But I hadn’t expected it to feel this brutal. I hadn’t expected the words to taste like poison when I said them aloud: It’s Drew.

A part of me wished I’d kept that truth to myself. I should’ve lied, should’ve said I didn’t know or that it didn’t matter. But no Max had pressed, and I’d crumbled, letting the truth tumble out like shards of glass.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, curling into myself as the tears came again, hot and uncontrollable. It felt like I’d been crying all night, but the tears wouldn’t stop. They were endless, fueled by the crushing weight of guilt and regret that had been building for weeks.

Max had been angry. Of course, he’d been angry. And the worst part was, he wasn’t wrong. I had been reckless. Stupid. Irresponsible. How could I defend myself when I couldn’t even forgive myself?

I thought back to that night with Drew, the way I’d let myself fall into his arms like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing. It wasn’t love or even something close to it, it was desperation. A need to feel seen, to feel wanted, even if only for a few fleeting hours.

And now? Now I was left with the consequences of that choice, and Drew was nowhere to be found. Not that I expected him to be. He’d made it clear that night that he wasn’t the type to stick around.

I sniffed, wiping at my tear streaked face with the back of my hand. My chest felt hollow, like someone had scooped out everything inside me and left nothing but an aching emptiness.

How had my life spiraled so far out of control?

The knock on the door earlier had felt like a lifeline at the time. For a moment, I’d thought maybe Max could be the one to help me through this. But now, after his reaction, I wasn’t so sure. His words had cut deeper than I ever could have imagined, and even though he had tried to apologize, the damage was already done.

I could still see the flash of anger in his eyes when I’d told him about Drew. The way his jaw had tightened, his fists clenching at his sides as he fought to contain his frustration. And then the words had come spilling out, sharp and unfiltered; What were you thinking?

I let out a bitter laugh through my tears, the sound hollow and humorless. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. That was the problem. I’d let my emotions drive me straight into a disaster, and now I was left picking up the pieces.

Max had tried to backtrack, to soften the blow after he saw how his words had hurt me. But it didn’t matter. I couldn’t unhear them. I couldn’t forget the way they’d made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

I pushed myself up from the floor, my legs trembling as I staggered to my feet. The room spun slightly, a reminder that I hadn’t eaten much today. Or yesterday. I wasn’t even sure anymore. Everything blurred together in a haze of anxiety and exhaustion.

I made my way to the kitchen, my movements slow and mechanical. The cool tile floor beneath my feet grounded me slightly, giving me something tangible to hold onto as I poured myself a glass of water.

The glass felt heavy in my hand, and I gripped it tightly, as if it were the only thing keeping me tethered to reality. I took a sip, the cool liquid soothing my dry throat, but it did little to ease the storm raging inside me.

My reflection in the kitchen window caught my eye, and I froze, staring at the woman looking back at me. She was a mess. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks streaked with tear tracks. Her hair was a tangled disaster, and her shoulders slumped like she was carrying the weight of the world.

I barely recognized her.

I set the glass down on the counter and pressed my palms against the cool surface, taking a deep breath to steady myself. But the moment I closed my eyes, Max’s voice came rushing back. How could you be so careless?

I opened my eyes again, the tears threatening to spill over once more. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I needed to pull myself together for me, for this baby. But the thought of doing it all alone was overwhelming.

I pressed a hand to my stomach, the gesture both comforting and terrifying. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “I’m so, so sorry.”

The words felt like they weren’t enough, like no amount of apologies could make up for the mess I’d created. But they were all I had.

I thought about calling Max, about trying to explain myself again, but what was the point? He’d made it clear how he felt, and I didn’t think I could handle another round of his disappointment.

Instead, I stayed there in the kitchen, staring out the window at the darkened sky. The city lights twinkled in the distance, a stark contrast to the darkness I felt inside.

I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew one thing for sure: I couldn’t keep running from it. I would have to face it, no matter how terrifying it seemed.

Taking a deep breath, I straightened my shoulders and wiped at my face. I didn’t feel strong, but I would have to pretend I was. For now, that would have to be enough.

I looked at the clock, it was past 1am and I needed to sleep or at least try to sleep and so I headed to the bedroom. Tomorrow was another day of work and I needed to show up.