Bitter Love

BITTER LOVE

Book One in the Dawson Family Series

Copyright 2021

Emily Goodwin

Chapter One

Josie

Fifteen years ago…

A tear rolls down my cheek, but I don’t bother to wipe it away. Another will just take its place in only seconds anyway. I look at the paper in my hand: the corner of it crinkled from being gripped so hard. A voice in the back of my mind tells me I shouldn’t have done that, that I should have been more careful.

Because this is the kind of paper Mom will hang on the fridge.

But there’s no point. It doesn’t matter. And now more tears fall from my eyes, splashing onto the handwritten note, smearing the black ink.

“Jo?” someone calls, their voice coming from the hall. I need to say something. Turn. React. But I can’t.

“Jo?” my sister calls again and then knocks on my door. I still can’t move. It’s like deep roots have anchored me to the floor and they’re the only thing holding me steady right now. If I focus on this—on standing as still as I can be while silently crying—then I can stay numb.

But the second the numbness wears off everything will come crashing down on me and I’m going to suffocate under the weight. What scares me almost more is how much I want that to happen. Because then it will be over.

“Jo, everyone is wondering where you are. Elijah is going to open presents soon and Stella is about to have another meltdown.” Louisa’s voice is muffled from speaking through the closed door, and I can only imagine my sister cupping her hands around her mouth as she talks into the door. “Mom sent me up to get you and you really need to stop being so antisocial.”

She rattles the doorknob to our shared bedroom. “Unlock the door. I’ll tell Mom you locked me out.”

I’m hearing what she’s saying but the words aren’t clicking. Nothing is clicking right now. I can’t let it. Because if this clicks so will something else.

“Jo!” She rattles the door again and then bangs a heavy fist against it. “You’re acting like a selfish brat, you know that, right?” The unmistakable sound of a bobby pin clanking around the keyhole fills the silence. She’s going to come inside the room at any moment.

And then she’ll know.

They’ll all know.

But I can’t hide it forever. A couple of months if I’m lucky.

“Jo, you seriously—” She cuts off as she throws the door open and sees my face. “What’s wrong?” Music and laughter float up the stairs and into the room. I know I need to pull myself together and enjoy my little brother’s birthday party. “Jo,” she repeats and crosses the room, snatching the paper out of my hand. I can hardly see her through my tears as she quickly reads.

“You got it,” she whispers as she reads. “You got the internship! This is great!” She tips her head back up, hazel eyes meeting mine. “Why aren’t you downstairs waving this around? You’ve busted your butt all year to get this internship.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and part my lips, but I’m not able to get any sound out. Some of the shock is starting to wear off and panic is setting in. I have worked hard for that internship.

“You can turn it down,” Louisa says slowly, trying to figure out why I’m crying. “But if you turn it down because you don’t want to leave your stupid horse then you’re even stupider.”

“I do want it,” I finally say. And I do. I’ve known I was destined to be a veterinarian since I was a little. This internship would look so good on my college applications, giving me a better chance of getting accepted at my top choice school: Cornell University. “That’s the problem.”

“I am not following.”

I point to the single nightstand we have in between our beds. It takes Louisa a few seconds to find what’s out of place amongst the mess. She picks up the pregnancy test and the color drains from her face.

“Jo…you…no.” Her eyes go from me to the test again. There’s no mistaking the two pink lines. “It’s going to be okay.” She throws her arms around me and the dam I was holding breaks.

“How?” I squeak out, throat tight.

“You have options.” She gives me a squeeze and lets go, taking both my hands in hers. “You don’t have to have a baby if you don’t want to. You’re only sixteen.”

Her words hit me and a strangled sob escapes my lips. Letting go of my hands, she hurries to close the door. Then she’s back by my side, guiding me to the bed. Like any sisters, we have our moments of hating each other and being there for each other. And right now, I’m really glad my older sister is with me.

“I don’t know how far along I am.” My words come out shakily.

“When was your last period?” Her brows pinch together, going into problem-solving mode. It’s something that’s always irritated me about her. You can’t analyze everything, putting emotion to the side. Though right now, I need it.

I shake my head, not knowing. “I thought I had one last month, but it was really light.”

“Okay.” She bobs her head up and down again. “What do you want to do?”

I blink. Once. Twice. “I…I don’t know.” I wipe my eyes and sniffle.

“And I don’t expect you to right now. If you don’t want to keep it, I’ll take you to Planned Parenthood tomorrow. We need to know how far along you are and then can go over our options. Have you told anyone yet?”

I shake my head, brown hair falling into my face. Several strands stick to my tear-dampened skin.

“Okay. And if you decide you do want to keep it, then I’ll still take you to the clinic to get checked out. You’ll have to tell Mom and Dad.”

“And what about Josh?” My voice is small and I’m starting to feel nauseous again.

It’s all Louisa can do but scoff. She never liked Josh and now has even more reason not to. “He’s eighteen,” she gasps. “You’re underage.”

“Don’t,” I snap. “He didn’t force anything. I wanted it too.”

Her eyes meet mine, holding my gaze for a few seconds. “Okay. And then you tell him and I’ll make sure he does his part. This is his fault, after all.”

“Half his fault,” I say, wanting to defend him. He’s my boyfriend. He loves me and I love him. For a fleeting moment, I think things will be okay. Josh is eighteen, after all. He’s set to graduate at the end of the year and can get an apartment for our family to live in.

“Girls?” Mom calls from the bottom of the stairs.

“I’ll go,” Louisa tells me. “And I’ll say you’re not feeling well since you have explosive diarrhea.”

I slightly narrow my eyes. “Thanks, Lou. I…I…”

“It’s going to be okay.” She tucks my hair behind my ears. “I’m here for you.” She hides the pregnancy test inside the top drawer of the nightstand and gets to her feet. Everything happens in slow motion as she leaves, and I fall against my bed. Tears roll down my face as I think about how much everything will change.

*

“You haven’t told your parents yet?” Josh laces his fingers through mine.

“No,” I reply with a shake of my head. My heart has been in a constant state of fluttering since I found out I was pregnant two days ago. I’m absolutely exhausted, though I know part of that is from growing a freaking tiny baby inside of me. “I have to tell them tonight after…after the appointment.”

Josh nods, brown eyes fixed with mine. We’re in the middle of the busy high school cafeteria, but he’s looking at me like I’m the only girl in the world. He promised we’d get through this together, and I believe him.

“Are you coming with?” I ask, taking my hand out of his so I can break a cracker in half. Louisa told me eating small amounts of food throughout the day could help me not feel sick. I thought I had a stomach bug a week and a half ago and blamed my overall feeling of malaise on the stress of school.

“I gotta work, babe.” Josh’s lips curve into a half-smile. “Gotta make money to take care of my family.”

Now I’m smiling and feeling like it really is going to be okay.

“Call me after?”

“Of course.” I eat half the cracker, hoping it will settle my stomach. My issue now is nerves more than anything else. Chewing slowly, I look around the cafeteria. I’m not popular, but I don’t consider myself a total loser either. I fit quietly in the middle somewhere, overlooked by most of my classmates. I prefer it that way, if I’m being honest.

How long can I keep the baby a secret before everyone notices?

According to Louisa’s calculations, I could be anywhere from eight to twelve weeks along already. Which means I’ll be halfway through my summer internship at the emergency vet clinic before I’ll be too pregnant to assist with surgeries or farm calls.

But it’s going to be okay. It has to be.

I wipe cracker crumbs off my fingers, starting to feel sick all over again. It’s too loud in here. The lights are too bright. The red plastic chair feels extra uncomfortable beneath me and it’s just too much.

“Hey, Jo.” Erica plops down in the seat across from me, sliding her tray full of pizza and French fries in the middle for us to share like usual. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say right back, blinking rapidly. “Just tired.”

“Late night at the barn again?” She tears the slice of pizza in half.

“Yeah,” I repeat, feeling bad instantly for lying to my best friend.

“Are you going again today? I need photos of movement — whatever that means.” She raises her eyebrows and takes a bite of pizza. “You always look so pretty when you ride, so I’m totally going to use you and Phoenix. Which isn’t fair, by the way. The second I step into the barn, I’m a hot mess of sneezes and runny eyes.”

“Okay,” I say, going on autopilot.

“I have my mom’s car today. I can take us right there after school.”

“Uh, Louisa is picking me up today. We, uh, we’re hanging out.”

Erica cocks an eyebrow, looking from me to Josh and back again. I don’t normally hang out with my sister and she knows it. One of Josh’s friends calls him over, and he gets up, leaving me after a quick kiss on the top of my head.

“What’s going on?” Erica asks.

My eyes fall shut for a few seconds. “I’ll tell you after school. And, uh, if you can come with us, I’d, uh, appreciate it.”

“You’re kind of freaking me out.”

“I’m fine,” I lie again. “Or I will be. Just…just meet me at my locker after school?”

“Of course.”

I dread the rest of the day and I can’t wait to get out of the building. Erica and I walk out, finding Louisa in the back of the parking lot. My sister doesn’t say anything as we get in the car, and it’s not until we’re close to the clinic that I finally bring myself to blurt out the truth: I’m pregnant. Everything from there on out happens in a whirlwind. We go inside. Louisa helps me fill out the forms.

We wait.

And wait.

A girl younger than me comes out crying, followed by an angry-looking woman who has to be her mother.

We keep waiting.

And waiting.

A couple comes out next, both smiling and happy. I hear them talking about baby names now that they know they’re having a boy.

We wait.

And then it’s my turn.

I go in alone at first and answer more questions. The nurse is kind, not judgmental at all. She takes my blood and tells me the doctor will be in soon. My sister and Erica can come in, holding my hand while I get the first ultrasound—which isn’t just a wand moved across my belly.

Tears bite the corners of my eyes as the doctor slowly inserts the wand between my legs. It’s uncomfortable and the gravity of the situation is weighing on me. Erica smooths my hair and I grip Louisa’s hand so tightly she says I’m going to break her fingers.

But then we see it. The tiny little flicker of a heartbeat. The doctor turns a dial, and now we can hear it. I’m almost ten weeks and the baby looks like a gummy bear that someone chewed and spit out.

But it has a heartbeat. And tiny limbs.

And I know right then and there that I have to protect this tiny little life…no matter what.