6

I paused at the door to doctor Vera's office, outright freezing up once the door loomed before me. 

My anxiety returned once more, almost crippling in its intensity. I took the time to contemplate the intricacies involved in what I was about to do.

I, both as a matter of principle and as a person, did not look favorably upon abortion at all. The reason was not quite religious or even remotely related to any religion, and was quite simple.

You see, my mother had tried to have me aborted while I was about four weeks old. She had tried a dozen times, had gone about it a dozen different ways, but had not succeeded in the end. 

My twin (sister I would like to imagine) had taken the fall for both of us and left me to live on. While that was in no way traumatic - I don’t know jack shit of what was happening at the time -, the fact that my mother had drummed that story into me during my early years may have definitely been.

She had been quite clear that I was, in fact, a big colossal mistake, and the instrument life had used to fuck with her. So yeah, while other five year olds went to bed with stories of princesses and knights and castles, five year old me went to bed with my mother retelling the dozen different ways she had tried to flush me out of her womb.

That ended up having two effects - one, I became gosh darn proud of myself for being such a survivor. And two, I came to abhor abortions as a matter of course.

And so, is it any surprise that I currently hate myself for what I am about to do? But things were unfolding in a direction I was not willing to explore and so I manned up, put one foot before the other, and went through the door.

I entered the doctor's office and, as always, I was immediately struck by the sterile, clinical atmosphere.

It was as if every item in the room had been designed with one purpose in mind: to ensure the maximum level of cleanliness and sanitation.

There were no personalized touches to the space, no family photos on the desk or artwork on the walls. The only indication that this space belonged to someone was the nameplate on the door that read "Doctor Vera."

As I approached the desk, I saw Doctor Vera looking up at me expectantly. Vera was pretty young, with a soft brown hair color and kind eyes. 

Her features were sharp, bordering on hawkish, but still managed to pull off a kind of sublime beauty that was pleasant to look at.

Dr. Vera welcomed me warmly and asked me to take a seat. I sat down and waited for her to start talking. She began by saying, "So, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," I lied, the phrase sour in my mouth. "Not like your hospital just ruined my life or anything."

She took a deep breath and looked at me with concern. 

"You are at liberty to sue the hospital if you so choose, Mrs. Evans," Dr. Vera said. "As I said before-"

"For what doctor Vera?" I snapped. "Screwing me over? Ruining my life? What?!"

The doctor pursed her lips, contrite. "I take it you are here for an abortion then?"

My lips shook in repulsion as she said the words but I took a deep breath before responding, "I want to have an abortion"

Dr. Vera didn't respond immediately, instead, she looked at me for a few moments before speaking. "I understand that having a baby right now may not be ideal for you, but I would like to suggest that you explore all your options before deciding to have an abortion."

I was surprised by her response. I had expected her to simply agree with my decision and give me a referral to a clinic. But now she was asking me to consider something different. "What do you mean, explore my options?" I asked hesitantly.

"Well, there are many other alternatives that you and your mate can consider," Dr. Vera said, picking at the files on her desk. A nervous tick probably. 

"For example, you can choose to parent the child, or you can consider adoption, whichever work best for you two"

I felt suddenly overwhelmed by the options she presented to me. I had only ever thought about abortion as a possibility, not parenthood or adoption.

"I don't think we can parent the child," I said, feeling unsure. "And I'm not sure if I want to go through with the adoption process either."

Dr. Vera nodded in understanding. "I can understand how you are feeling right now, but I would like to recommend that you take some time to think about your options. It's important that you feel comfortable with the decision you make."

"I do not know if I have the time to think," I said, feeling desperate. "I need to make a decision soon, before things get more complicated." 

Goddess, I was an emotional pendulum right now.

Dr. Vera listened patiently, her eyes locked on mine, and murmured, "I understand, but before you make this decision, we need to consider the potential repercussions. Are you aware of the risks?"

I nodded my head, and she continued, "An abortion is a serious procedure and comes with its risks. It can cause infections, bleeding, and even death in extreme cases. While it may seem like the best option, have you considered any other alternatives?"

Tears started to roll down my face as I replied, "I am sorry, but this is what I need to do. I cannot take care of this child right now."

"It is also highly probable that your womb would be forever damaged and you would be unable to conceive ever again," Vera added.

My eyes widened as some corner of my mind exploded in fear. I mean, I knew - objectively speaking - that it was possible, but having it said like this to my face was... daunting. And more than a little bit scary.

"Well just great," I sassed, my anger rekindled just as suddenly as it went out. "You guys are also ruining my chances of being a mother. How do you feel? Accomplished? Like you've won a freaking medal?" My voice broke at the end and tears threatened to spill.

"Tell me, doc," I continued. "You are my obstetrician are you not? How likely is it that that would happen to me?"

"It is almost certain to happen in your case," she told me calmly. "You know about the delicate state of your womb, Mrs. Evans. An abortion may be crippling."

It was only through sheer force of will that I managed to hold back the tears. I knew - oh, by the goddess, I knew. But I had to try my luck. I had to.

"Are you certain you want to go ahead with an abortion?"

At that moment, the amiable doctor seemed to me like the very incarnation of the devil.

"I... I am not sure," I shook my head.

Dr. Vera's eyes softened, and she reached across the table to place a hand on my shoulder gently, "I understand, but I cannot let you make this decision so rashly. Let me perform an ultrasound to ensure everything is okay."

I shook my head again.

"No, no ultrasound," I said. "I am going to go through with this. I'll see it to the end."

"An ultrasound scan will help us determine how far along you are in your pregnancy. It will also help us to check if the fetus is developing normally. That could go a long way in deciding how much scarring your womb can take." Dr. Vera explained.

“If you're thinking of an abortion, it's important to know whether it's still possible at this stage."

I hesitated, not sure I wanted to do a scan of the baby I would be removing within the next few hours. Eventually though, I agreed to it even as something in the back of my head told me I was going to regret doing so.