Darkest Desires

(TRIGGER WARNING. May contain scenes about abuse and self-harm.)

I strode into the middle of the stage when the soft, sultry tune filled the air. The bright spotlight followed every movement as I inched closer to the vertical pole, standing in the middle of the stage, my hips swaying to the melody of the sensual music.

I stopped by the stainless bar, gripping it with both hands. I slowly waved my body against it while looking at the audience in front of me. Lust was clearly visible in their eyes as they seemed to undress me with their salacious stares.

I looked away as I started to walk around the pole.

"And I'm so used to being used..."

I threw my head back as I hummed parts of the song while dancing. My long hair flipped behind me. My hands moved higher on the pole while I hooked my right leg to it and then lifted my weight. I moved higher on the rod before letting myself slide around it in a fluid motion.

The cheers from the crowd of men in front of the stage hyped me up. I am so used to doing this kind of performance that I feel like I was one with the pole already. I moved with ease around it as if I was making love with it. My movements were precise yet graceful.

I turned around while my hands were raised above my head, still holding onto the pole. My back is now facing all those flesh-hungry hyenas who were all eager to have a piece of me. Unfortunately, they can. For the right price...

Smoke slowly crawled onto the stage until it reached my legs. I kept moving my hips sensually back and forth as I let the robe slide down my body my body. It revealed a pair of flimsy black lingerie that barely covered what they needed to. Then, I made a sharp turn, facing my audience once again.

This time, my gaze landed on a set of dark eyes which were staring directly into mine. Fine shivers crawled into my skin as our gazes fought for dominance. Nobody wanted to back down. He seemed to be looking deep into the darkest depths of my soul. He was up for disappointment, though, since I don't know if I still have one.

Probably none...

A corner of my lips rose into a seductive smirk, but his face remained passive. He wasn't like everyone I'd seen here. His stares don't seem to be filled with lust, unlike all the other men on his table, who seem to salivate at the mere sight of me.

I frowned a little, wondering why he wasn't affected. It's something that I wasn't accustomed to. I am the star of this show! Everyone here bows to me!

Everyone desires me!

But now, he seems to be the exception to that. I won't let him, though.

I let go of the pole and walked toward the edge of the stage, closer to the audience.

"Lose the top!" a man from a table at the back shouted.

They were now yelling to remove the remaining pieces of cloth from my body, but I didn't listen to them. 

Instead, I enticed them more with my movements. Drawing them in with every flick of my rounded hips. Most of the men couldn't stop themselves anymore. They moved closer to the stage. Some of them slipped paper bills into the straps of my lingerie while deliberately squeezing parts of my exposed flesh.

I didn't mind them. I just kept on dancing as if they didn't exist. My eyes searched for those dark orbs in the crowd. He was still looking at me, but his expression was now tinted with disgust. I took in a sharp breath when our gazes met.

I gulped and tried to smile seductively again, hoping that I would get the reaction I wanted this time. But he just looked at me with a blank expression on his face.

Why am I even so affected by him? So what if he doesn't like what he sees? It's not my problem anymore!

I tried to keep my eyes and my mind off him until I finished my performance. I bowed gracefully before retreating backstage.

When I arrived, a chaotic scene greeted me. Julia, one of the new girls, was pulling our stage manager's hair. France screamed her lungs out as Julia kept wagging her head. It didn't take long, though, before two bouncers came to stop them.

They pulled Julia away from France who now looked like she just came from hell. Her hair is now a bird's nest while blood is dripping from her nose and busted lip. She deserved it, but I couldn't help but get worried about Julia.

I don't know why I care so much about her. Perhaps because I saw myself in her when I was first brought here. I was just like her then...

I shook my head to stop the unwanted memories from rushing back into my mind.

“Listen to me slut! You should thank your lucky stars that you still have worth for us because the moment you lose it, you should prepare yourself for what’s coming to you!” France screamed, but Julia spat on her face.

I couldn't help but wince. She really is something else.

"You bitch! Just wait and see!" she grabbed Julia's hair, then threw her towards the make-up artists who were gaping at them.

"Fix her!" the gay stage manager snapped before leaving. I took it as a chance to rush to Julia. I tapped her shoulder and tried to fix her hair because she didn't seem to have plans on doing so. She was just staring blankly into the mirror while the make-up artist tried to retouch her make-up. I sighed.

"You shouldn’t have done that,” I gently scolded her. “It won’t do you any good."

I know it won't. Been there, done that. I just exhausted all my energy, yet in the end, I was still sucked into this hell. This place is like a quicksand. The more you struggle to get yourself free, the faster you sink to the bottom.

I had to learn it the hard way. I didn't want her to experience the same.

She smiled bitterly but didn't say anything. I stayed by her side until she went back on stage, even though she wasn't talking to me. I watched as the bouncers dragged her into the middle of the stage. She was just wearing a skimpy lace outfit that barely covered anything. She hugged herself while looking at the men like a deer caught in a headlight.

Tonight, the clients will be able to bid for them. I quietly watched in a corner as, one by one; those pigs raised their bids on her like she was just some kind of expensive artwork.

"Two hundred thousand!" an old, stout man shouted while grinning ear to ear. I can tell he's already imagining the things he would do to her if he wins the bidding.

I gritted my teeth while watching. I wish I could save her from this hellhole. But how can I do that when I can't save myself either?

Before I knew it, tears were already strolling down my cheeks, but I harshly wiped them away with my arms. What am I crying about?

I've lost my battle years ago. I already accepted this fate that I was cursed into. There's no use for tears. They won't change anything. It will only make me feel worse. 

I took a deep breath to calm myself down until the bidding for Julia finished. She was sold for five hundred fifty thousand dollars. I clenched my jaw and fists.

I know very well what would happen after this. She will be taken home by the man who bought her. She will stay with him for days or weeks, depending on the contract, before she will be taken back to this fucking hell on earth.

“I don’t want this. Somebody help me please…” she cried while two muscular bouncers dragged her.

Of course, she didn't want this. None of us ever did. We were all just victims of these heartless people who ran this place.

One of the recruiters fooled her, along with two others. She promised them jobs when, in fact, they would just bring them here. Most women here shared the same fate as hers. Mine was different, though. I was sold here by my own mother.

But I don't want to get into that. It's all irrelevant now.

"Be strong, you can get past this," I couldn't help but try to pacify her even though she ended up crying more.

I sniffed before pulling her into my arms. I held her tightly as she cried on my shoulders. Her tears drenched my skin, but I couldn't care less.

"It’s only hard in the beginning. Soon enough, you’ll get used to it," I whispered before pulling away from her. I wanted to hold her more, but my heart was giving up on me. I can feel it literally breaking into pieces.

I felt like I was getting pulled back into that dark place that I'd been to before. I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the cubicles. I sobbed uncontrollably as images of what might happen to Julia began playing inside my head.

It all felt so real. I can feel my skin crawling from all the disgusting memories of what I'd been through.

"No, stop it!" I hissed to myself. I began scratching myself, my nails digging into my skin.

"Stop it!" Images of men taking turns to have their fill on me flashed right in front of my eyes. I grabbed my hair, pulling it incessantly. I just want the images to stop.

But my memories were like an opened dam. Once the floodgates were open, there was no stopping it.

I can see my younger self being tied into a massive cross after they whipped my whole body. I was severely bruised all over. I could barely open my eyes, but the men didn't seem to mind. They took me over and over again like I was just a sex doll...

It's getting harder to breathe as I wailed my heart out. I didn't stop until my skin felt raw. Long scratches were visible on my fair skin. Some of the wounds were bleeding, but I just stared at them. I couldn't feel the pain. I need more...

I hugged myself as I sat on the bathroom floor. I was slowly rocking my body back and forth.

My tears never seem to dry even though I've already calmed down. I mustered all the strength left in me to stand up. I didn't know how I managed to get back into my room. I just want to get away from everyone.

I don't want to hear the sound of the sultry music filling the air. I want to block out the laughs and yells from the patrons who keep this place alive. Their souls are already burning in hell, but why are we the ones suffering for their sins?

I stripped off all the offensive clothes I was wearing, if they could even be considered clothes. Then I stood under the shower, not minding the biting cold water.

I feel so dirty. I am dirty. The sad thing is, no amount of soap can ever clean me. I will forever be stained. Sullied...

I looked around, trying to find something I could use to end my misery. Anything. If only I could strangle myself to death, I would.

I chuckled bitterly.

They were so smart. They made sure that we wouldn't have anything in our rooms that we could use to harm ourselves. They wouldn't let their milking cows go to waste, would they?

I dropped to my knees on the cold, tiled floor. I feel so exhausted. I closed my eyes and curled my body into a ball.

Maybe I can just drown myself in here.

I let the darkness consume me, wishing it would be forever. I never want to wake up again only to find myself still in this place...