LOGINThe first time I got a bad grade, I told myself it was a fluke. Not bad by normal standards. Bad by mine.
Sixty eight on an economics test I should have done well on with my eyes half closed and one hand tied behind my back. A score that would’ve been fine for half the class and humiliating for me. Mr. Dempsey handed the papers back row by row, and when mine landed face down on my desk, I already had that ugly sense of dread in my stomach. I flipped iThe line moved faster than I wanted it to. That was the first problem. The second was that Clair had gone strangely bright and sharp beside me, talking more than usual without really saying anything. Pointing out decorations. Mocking the fake blood on the sign. Laughing a little too loudly whenever someone ahead of us yelped coming out the exit. The third problem was Tyler. He was only two groups ahead now. Too close to ignore. Too far to do anything about. The girl with him stood tucked near his side, smiling at something he’d said, her hand brushing his arm now and then with a familiarity I was trying very hard not to notice. I noticed every time. “God, this is tacky,” Clair said. “Mm.” She looked at me. “That’s all I get?” “What?” “You’re distracted again.”
Saturday night smelled like sugar and engine oil. That was my first thought when I pulled into the muddy field beside the travelling carnival and killed the engine. The whole place had been set up on the edge of town where the council usually hosted markets and seasonal fairs, but under floodlights and music and the constant mechanical groan of rides, it looked transformed into something louder and stranger. Strings of coloured bulbs looped between poles. The Ferris wheel turned slow and bright against the dark sky. Somewhere deeper in the grounds, a ride shrieked with the exact pitch of either terror or joy.Clair unbuckled beside me and checked her reflection in the mirror before she opened the door.“You look fine,” I said.She glanced at me. “I always look fine.”“That’s true.”“Good save.”I smiled faintly and got out.The cold hit first, then the noise. Teenagers clustered near the gates with overpriced drinks and
The first time I got a bad grade, I told myself it was a fluke. Not bad by normal standards. Bad by mine. Sixty eight on an economics test I should have done well on with my eyes half closed and one hand tied behind my back. A score that would’ve been fine for half the class and humiliating for me. Mr. Dempsey handed the papers back row by row, and when mine landed face down on my desk, I already had that ugly sense of dread in my stomach. I flipped it over and stared. 68% A red mark near the top like an accusation. For a second I genuinely thought he’d mixed it up with someone else’s. Then I saw my own handwriting in the long answer section. Saw the question I’d half answered and the graph I’d mislabeled and the note in the margin telling me I’d rushed the analysis. Rushed. I almost laughed. I hadn’t rushed anything. I’d sat there staring at the page while m
I spent the entire weekend trying to punish a thought out of myself. It didn’t work. Saturday, I cleaned my room even though it was already clean. Reorganised my notes. Went for a run. Did a full set of practice questions for business studies and half another set for economics. I answered Clair’s texts quickly, kissed her when I saw her, let her curl up against me on her sofa while some movie played to neither of our actual attention. I did everything right. Everything normal. Everything that should have put me back in my own life. And still, somewhere under all of it, was that awful realisation from the game sitting there like a live wire. I wanted Tyler. I never let myself finish that sentence all the way in my head. The second it started, I cut it off and shoved something else in front of it. University. Clair. Homework. Anything. By Monday morning I was exhausted from my own avoidance. The school
Friday should have felt better. That was the worst part. I’d made it through the rest of the night after the shower without having a total breakdown, which, considering the circumstances, felt like an achievement. I got maybe three more hours of sleep in broken, miserable pieces. By morning I was exhausted enough that my thoughts felt padded over at the edges, slower and duller, and I told myself that was good. Maybe if I was tired enough, I’d stop reacting to everything like it was a crisis. I was wrong. The second I walked into school and saw a flyer for that night’s basketball game taped crookedly to the front office window, my stomach tightened. HOME GAME – SENIORS NIGHT – 7 PM Underneath the text was a grainy photo of the team from earlier in the season. Tyler was in the front row, arms folded, expression unreadable even in bad print. I looked away so fast I nearly gave myself whiplash. “Wow,” Tara said from beside me.
I made it through the rest of Thursday by sheer force of habit. That was the only reason. Not composure. Not denial. Not any actual ability to process what had happened in that classroom without short circuiting. Just habit. Muscle memory. Years of knowing how to move from one obligation to the next even when my head was somewhere else entirely. I gave Mr. Calder his textbook and managed not to drop it. He looked up from his desk. “Found it?” “Yeah.” “Good man.” He took it from me, already distracted by something on his laptop. “I knew it had to be in there somewhere.” I nodded like finding a misplaced textbook had been the whole event. Like there was nothing unusual about the fact that my mouth still felt too warm and my pulse still kept doing stupid, uneven things every time I thought about Tyler saying my name. “Anything else?” I asked, because leaving too quickly might have l







