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Chapter 9: Watching the Court
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2026-04-27 09:00:55Friday should have felt better. That was the worst part. I’d made it through the rest of the night after the shower without having a total breakdown, which, considering the circumstances, felt like an achievement. I got maybe three more hours of sleep in broken, miserable pieces. By morning I was exhausted enough that my thoughts felt padded over at the edges, slower and duller, and I told myself that was good. Maybe if I was tired enough, I’d stop reacting to everything like it was a crisis.
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Denial before Surrender Chapter 9: Watching the Court
Friday should have felt better. That was the worst part. I’d made it through the rest of the night after the shower without having a total breakdown, which, considering the circumstances, felt like an achievement. I got maybe three more hours of sleep in broken, miserable pieces. By morning I was exhausted enough that my thoughts felt padded over at the edges, slower and duller, and I told myself that was good. Maybe if I was tired enough, I’d stop reacting to everything like it was a crisis. I was wrong. The second I walked into school and saw a flyer for that night’s basketball game taped crookedly to the front office window, my stomach tightened. HOME GAME – SENIORS NIGHT – 7 PM Underneath the text was a grainy photo of the team from earlier in the season. Tyler was in the front row, arms folded, expression unreadable even in bad print. I looked away so fast I nearly gave myself whiplash. “Wow,” Tara said from beside me.
Denial before Surrender Chapter 8: The Dream I Don’t Talk About
I made it through the rest of Thursday by sheer force of habit. That was the only reason. Not composure. Not denial. Not any actual ability to process what had happened in that classroom without short circuiting. Just habit. Muscle memory. Years of knowing how to move from one obligation to the next even when my head was somewhere else entirely. I gave Mr. Calder his textbook and managed not to drop it. He looked up from his desk. “Found it?” “Yeah.” “Good man.” He took it from me, already distracted by something on his laptop. “I knew it had to be in there somewhere.” I nodded like finding a misplaced textbook had been the whole event. Like there was nothing unusual about the fact that my mouth still felt too warm and my pulse still kept doing stupid, uneven things every time I thought about Tyler saying my name. “Anything else?” I asked, because leaving too quickly might have l
Denial before Surrender Chapter 7: The Empty Classroom
By Thursday, I’d started making deals with myself. If I got through the morning without looking for Tyler in the cafeteria, I could listen to music instead of doing revision on the walk home. If I went an entire class without replaying the party in my head, I could skip one practice question in economics. If I made it to the end of the day without thinking I’m not gay like a prayer and a threat at the same time, then maybe I could stop acting like my own brain was some kind of enemy operation. None of the deals worked. By lunch, I’d already seen him twice. Once in the senior corridor, once across the courtyard through the library windows and both times my body had done the same awful thing where it recognised him before the rest of me had a chance to object. So by the time last period ended, I was already in a bad mood. Which was probably why I volunteered to go looking for the missing business studies textbook Mr. Calder s
Denial before Surrender Chapter 6: Denial Looks a Lot Like Obsession
By Tuesday, I had developed a system. It wasn’t a good system. It wasn’t a healthy system. It definitely wasn’t a system I would’ve recommended to anyone else. But it was a system, which meant my brain could pretend it was handling things. Rule one: don’t think about the kiss. Rule two: if I did think about the kiss, immediately think about something else. Rule three: if that failed, think about Clair. This should’ve worked better than it did. I got to school early on purpose, mostly because I thought if I arrived before the corridors filled up, I could settle into the day before anything had the chance to get under my skin. The front entrance was still only half busy when I walked in, the floors newly cleaned and smelling faintly of disinfectant, morning light stretching through the tall windows in long pale bars. I made it exactly twenty seconds before seeing Tyler. He was at the far end of the corridor nea
Denial before Surrender Chapter 5: One Kiss Too Many
The car ride home should’ve been easy. Clair was in a good mood, half turned toward me in the passenger seat with one leg tucked under herself, talking about who had worn what, who had embarrassed themselves and who was definitely hooking up with who by the look of it. She was bright and animated in that effortless way she had when a night had gone well for her. The windows were cracked just enough to let cold air in, and the streetlights kept sliding across her face in gold and shadow as I drove. I answered when I had to. Laughed in the right places. Kept both hands on the wheel because if I let go, I had the stupid, impossible feeling I might reach for something that wasn’t there. “You’re quiet,” she said eventually. “I’m tired.” “It’s not even midnight.” “I had to listen to Tara explain why dancing on tables should count as self expression. That takes years off a person’s life.” Clair laughe
Denial before Surrender Chapter 4: Spin the Bottle
I should’ve left the second I saw the bottle. That’s the easiest version of the story to tell now. The clean one. The one where I stand up, laugh it off, drag Clair out with me, and spend the rest of the night making fun of Tara for having the emotional maturity of a fourteen year old with a lighter.Instead, I stayed. Partly because everyone else did. Partly because saying no in a room like that felt louder than saying yes. And partly because Clair had already tucked herself against my side on the rug, one hand resting on my knee like she’d made the decision for both of us.The living room lights were too warm, the music in the next room too loud, the air thick with that stale mix of sweat, cheap alcohol, and the sweet artificial smell of somebody’s fruit flavored vape. People crowded into a circle across the carpet and furniture, knees knocking, shoulders pressed together, everybody trying to look casual while obviously hoping for chaos.Tara stood in th
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