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Ryan: Relapse
I had another episode while in my room last night. It was about the first time that I met Mr. Shift. I nearly killed myself trying to run away from the pain that Tommy had put me in. The worst part was that I was nearly asleep when it happened and I wasn’t able to convince myself that it wasn’t real. Jake heard me screaming and ran into my room.
I hit him! Thinking it was Tommy coming for me, I reached out and hit Jake. I screamed and clawed and kicked and hit with all my might. My parents came in to see Jake’s face and arms bleeding as he tried to hold me down so that I didn’t hurt myself.
When I realized what I’d done, I fall apart. My Jake. My sweet, loving Jake. The one who found me when I tried to kill myself.
owlonmywristHey friends! Something I completely forgot to tell you: I made a Spotify list of the music that goes with this book, plus background music for each chapter. You can find it by looking for "Dissonace and Harmony Playlist." Leave me some love and let me know what you think. See you soon!
Related chapters
Dissonance and Harmony Ryan: Calm Before the Storm
I woke up twice during the night, nearly in a panic, until I realized that I was in my room and it was Carter who was holding me. Luckily, someone had left a light on, so I was able to orient myself quickly. Both times, I snuggled back into Carter’s chest and felt his arms tighten around me. Once, he even brushed a kiss over the crown of my head in his sleep. It made me smile, knowing that even in the depths of unconsciousness, he still protected me. When I woke for good, I looked up and saw Carter smiling down at me. “How’d you sleep?” he asked. “Great, thanks to you,” I smile back. “What about you?”
Dissonance and Harmony Lisa: Therapy
I check the time and see that Ryan and her parents are due in about 10 minutes. I start putting my papers away and setting the room up for clients. Typically, I take Tuesday mornings off for paperwork, but when Ryan’s family called me yesterday, I put them in my schedule. I knew that this was going to be a hard time for her. Ryan hasn’t had to deal with seeing Tommy for almost a year. His lawyer has made multiple appeals and motions to try and overturn the original conviction, but Ryan hasn’t had to appeal in court. Tommy has run out of options and will be sentenced. But that means that Ryan will have to see him again to give her impact statement. Even though we have all known it was coming, PTSD doesn’t take longevity into account. I had suspected and feared that she would begin having more and more episodes.
Dissonance and Harmony Lisa: Self-Care
“So, what about Carter holding you helped you calm down?” I ask. Ryan smiles at him and he smiles back. “I feel safe with him. I trust him. He doesn’t hold any of this against me. He understands.” I almost feel like I’m intruding a little with the intense eye contact that they are giving each other. But I need to ask more questions. “So, tell me what about Carter is different from your parents and your friends, other than the obvious romantic relationship.” At that, the eye contact breaks between them and Ryan looks at me.
Dissonance and Harmony Joyce: Jealousy
After waiting for about 30 minutes, Lisa opens the door and ushers us in. Carter is sitting on the couch next to Ryan. They both stand up and he kisses her cheek. “I’ll be right outside, ok?” he says. Then he goes out to the waiting room. I have so many mixed feelings about Carter. He’s a great young man, he really is. He’s kind, thoughtful, polite, courteous, and generous. Plus, he’s a great cook! Honestly, if Tommy had never been a part of our lives, I would say that Carter was the perfect guy for Ryan. But Tommy was and continues to be a part of our lives and there is a small part of me that wants to scream anytime Carter goes anywhere near my daughte
Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Fallout
Ryan exploded out of Lisa’s office and immediately walked outside. I follow her out. Lisa shares an office with several other therapists. The building is surrounded by a wide grassy lawn with a flower garden and benches, a water fountain, and what looks like a walking path that doubles as some sort of maze. There is a sign outside of the maze that says “Meditative Walking Path.” Ryan heads towards the path. “Ryan!” I call after her. “Ryan, what’s wrong?” She turns around and her face is splotchy with tears running down her cheeks. “My parents. Of all the people that I need to understand, they just
Dissonance and Harmony Ted: Olive Branch
I see Ryan and Carter stand up from the middle of the meditation path and begin folding blankets. Ryan often goes to the path when she is upset, so it doesn’t surprise me that she is there. And that Carter is there with her. Damn, I really screwed up. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I shouldn’t have brought this up at all. Lisa is completely right. Joyce and I are expecting Ryan to come to us with everything that hurts and that we can help her. Just like when I used to kiss her cuts and scrapes as a child. But that isn’t how this works. I have to accept it. I have to do the work. Joyce steps out of the office and next to me on the porch. She had been with the receptionist, making an appointment with our therapist.
Dissonance and Harmony Flashback: I'm Back
I’m sitting in my mom’s car outside of the school. She purposefully drove me here after the homeroom bell rang so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the crush and movement of people. It’s December of my sophomore year and the first time that I have set foot in the school this year. After the rape, Tommy’s arrest, my suicide attempt, and the trial, this is the first that I’ve felt like I could come back. We’ve already met with the principal and my teachers to work out a plan. Lisa has met with the counselor, Mrs. Lewdwig, and they have a plan. Mom and Dad have a plan. My friends have a plan. All these plans for when I fall apart. It’s like they’re already counting on me not getting through the day.&
Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Date Night
After we get back to Ryan’s house, Ryan and I set ourselves up at the table to go through the work that we missed on Monday and Tuesday. It isn’t too much and we finish within a few hours. I asked Ryan if she wants to start working on her impact statement, but she says she needs some time before she starts. “Maybe I’ll do it with Lisa in our session next week,” Ryan says. “Ok,” I eye her when she’s not looking. She seems to be feeling a lot better, all things considering, but I can tell that she’s avoiding dealing with this. Hell, I would too, so I get it. “Hey, Ryan and Carter,” Mrs. Miller says, walking into the kitchen. “You have been stuck in the house for the l
Latest chapter
- Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Epilogue
- Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Just Us
- Dissonance and Harmony Ryan: Hate at the Surface
- Dissonance and Harmony Ryan: Detriment to Society
- Dissonance and Harmony Ryan: Arguments
- Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Show Time
- Dissonance and Harmony Ryan: Last Minute Pep Talk
- Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Morning Of
- Dissonance and Harmony Carter: Coda
