Chapter 9

A couple of days passed, I was able to go to the tutoring sessions with Jennifer, but I kept my distance with the other students. The help kept me up to date with work assignments and in no time I finally understood the questions in my homework. I still felt nervous about going to my classes and I haven't had the chance to get to know anyone in the classroom but at the moment I didn’t find it so important. Elliot still came by and he returned to being a teacher's aid in Ms. Lang's class so he stopped sitting beside me. I didn't mind it because Jennifer helped me when I needed it, but it also reminds me that I shouldn't be dependent on him because of the challenges I faced. The only problem I have is David; always trying to bump me whenever he has the chance and every time he does I always tend to freeze up, but I can't tell that to Elliot.

He wasn't doing much besides pushing me slightly when he bumps me on the shoulder, but I hate it whenever he does this. It disgusts me and it leaves a lingering burning sensation that stays with me. Having someone touch you without permission and that tingling feeling that gives you chills in the back of your neck. I woke up one morning after staying up late to do my English essay, but for some reason, I didn't want to leave. It wasn't because I was being lazy or tired, but I just didn't want to leave and I lay there quietly staring at the light coming from my window. After about ten minutes, I finally got out of bed to change and put on my shoes then made my way outside. I got in the car after Elliot came by and I sat there staring outside after we greeted each other.

“So, we finally got our schedule for the season. We're going to have our first match on Tuesday at the gym if you still want to come by,” he said.

“Mhm,” I said as I put the window up. “I'll go.”

“Alright. Maybe we can go out to eat afterward.” he continued. “Usually the guys all hang out and go to the burger joint a couple of blocks from here, but we don't have to join them.”

“Alright," I said as I saw that we finally came to the parking lot and got out after he parked.

“Are you okay Michael?” he asked as he followed beside me.

I turned to him and shrugged. “I don't feel so well,” I confessed.

“Are you getting sick?”

I shook my head, “No…” I answered before turning to him. “I'll be fine. I think I just didn't wake up on the right side of the bed if you know what I mean.”

He nods before reaching out to grab my shoulder to stop me, “If you don't feel that well just tell me. I can always take you to the nurse’s office.” he said.

“It's not that severe,” I said.

“You sure?”

I nod before I started walking and we were both quiet until we came to the classroom. I went to my desk without saying another word to Elliot. I decided to keep to myself in class today without having to bother Jennifer with the assignment and once class was over I left without saying anything to Elliot. Maybe it was wrong of me to keep a distance from them, but I also didn't feel like talking today. The classes went by fast only because I stared mostly at my textbook and during lunch, I kept myself hidden sitting on the bleachers at the football field. By the time it was time for the gym, I saw Elliot waiting for me by the door outside the locker room and I took a small breath before walking to him.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hi. Do you want to walk around the track? It seems like it'll be a free period for the gym today so everyone is just on their own.” he said.

“Where are the teachers?” I asked.

“They got called for an emergency meeting in the gym.”

“Alright,” I answered.

We both started walking around the track in silence and I slowly started to get annoyed with myself that I stopped walking. “Let's sit for a bit,” I asked.

We moved over to an empty spot on the field and I waited until we were both comfortable.

“I didn't mean to avoid you all day or seem like I was annoyed or any of that.” I started off.

“I know. It's fine.”

“You say it's fine, but I don't think it is. I'm sorry.” I said. “I think things have been getting to me and my mom suggested seeing a therapist. Maybe I should.”

“If you want to,” he said. “Maybe it can help you when you have days like today.”

I sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. “I know, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about how things make me feel and having me reflect on the past,” I said.

“Wouldn't that be the purpose of it?” he asked.

“It is, but I hate being reminded of the past. I hate all that happened and I never want anything like that to happen again. It just makes me sick and I’m tired of being sick.” I said.

“Which is also fine.” Elliot cut me off as he reached out to grab my shoulder. “It's fine that you are remembering all that because it's about having to accept and grow from it. Accept that it happened, but to also remember that you didn't cause any of it.”

“It’s hard just trying to accept it because I try so hard to hide from it or push it aside like it never happened. It’s so hard to just have that all sink in.” I said and took a deep breath trying to control my emotions.

“I had to deal with something similar when my dad passed away. I know my mom blamed herself about his suicide and there were times when I blamed myself while also blaming her too.” He tells me. “It eats away and leaves you with so many difficult emotions.”

I didn't say anything as I understood what he meant and I turned to him after I gave myself a second to think of what to say. “And how did you deal with it?” I asked him.

“Just talked it out with my mom. Then my stepdad came to the picture and that was another difficult challenge too.” He said. “It's okay to have your off days, but also remember that you can't separate yourself from everyone because that will also eat you away. I'm sure you know that.”

I nod, “I know…”

He was quite right. He turned to me, “Feeling a little better?” he asks.

I ran my fingers over the top of my head before turning to him, “A bit.” I answered.

“That's good.” He said and looked around the field before turning to me. “Hey, do you need to go back home right away after school?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“How about we go somewhere?” he asked.

“Where?”

“Somewhere. Anywhere. It kind of doesn't matter.” he said and shrugged his shoulder. “You're in a funk so why not go somewhere to relieve whatever that's been stressing you out.”

“It's not always that easy to just stop feeling like this,” I said as I shook my head. “But, yeah, I don't mind going out."

“Cool. Well, after changing we'll head out,” he said.

After a couple of minutes, we returned back to the locker room to change once class was over then met up again outside. For a second I was having second thoughts about going out, but at the same time, I was curious to see where he would want to go. I sighed as I waited until he came out since I changed right away after going to my locker and we headed our way towards the parking lot. I paused for a second before getting in the car and we headed out once we were ready. I sat there listening to the soft music playing in the background and I looked out the window seeing the area we were passing by.

“Where exactly are we going?” I asked.

“The beach. Where we went to when we went out Saturday,” he answered.

I nod and sat back, "Alright.” I said.

“You don't want to go there? We can always go somewhere else if you want,” he said.

“No, no, it's fine. I don't mind going to the beach.” I said.

“Good because I wouldn't know any other place to go.” He said with a chuckle.

“Whatever happened to pizza and video games?”

“No, that's for another day.” He said.

I turned away to look out the window and I was able to see the ocean coming into view as we got closer. “It's actually a nice day to come,” I comment.

“Yeah, luckily this time I have a blanket in my trunk so we can use it and we can chill out there for a while,” he said as he came to a parking lot and started looking for an empty spot to park.

We got out of the car, leaving our school bags behind, and after grabbing the large blanket we started walking towards the oceanfront to find a nice spot to sit at. There were hardly any people around aside from a family, a couple of people running in the sand, and people already in the water. I sat down once we laid out the blanket and I stared at the water feeling the cool breeze hitting my face; actually tasting the salt in the air from the ocean. I let myself relax while Elliot took off his jacket and moved to lay on the blanket. I felt myself relax as I watched the water rising and crashing into each other making it feel a bit mesmerized while I was also a bit lost in my thoughts.

“I'm going to visit my dad in two weeks and I haven't seen him since I decided to live with my mom,” I said quietly that I wasn't too sure if Elliot heard me.

He didn't say anything before I could hear him sitting up. “How long ago was that?” he asked.

“I haven't seen him for a year,” I answered. “I was in the hospital, I was still under his care and once I was released I decided to live with my mom.”

“Were you seeing your mom while living with your dad?”

“No. My mom divorced my dad because she wasn’t happy with their marriage and I had blamed her for leaving me with my dad so I tried to not see her for a while until she stopped asking to see me.” I answered.

“But you two seem close…”

“Now we are. It took time and she had to join me in my therapy sessions which is how we got closer because she had to know everything that happened,” I explained. “That led to her opening up and we just talked it all through and we came to an understanding between us. I like our relationship now and she tries to understand me.”

“That's good. When I saw her on your first day you can tell how much she cared,” he says. “She wanted details on what happened and was trying to advise us on what to do.”

I nod and said, “She can be serious about it all when I have my episodes.”

“And what about your dad?” he asked, curiously.

“He's actually not a bad person. He was a little too obsessed with his work once I started middle school and he thought I could take care of myself more. He cares and he tried to be more involved after I left the hospital, but mom wanted to have more time with me before I saw him again. I wasn’t ready to see him right away either.” I said.

He nods and we both look out to the water almost forgetting that we are at the beach.

“Well, it seems like both your parents are good people,” he said.

I nod before turning to him. “They are... They weren't the ones that made me like this if that’s what you were curious about.” I said as I can see Elliot wanted to say something, but I quickly stood up. "I'm going for a walk.”

I began to walk closer to the shoreline, watching the water reach my feet with each wave. I had to take a deep breath, feeling a bit anxious after our conversation. I made sure to take a long walk to shake off that feeling before making my way back.