One

Warmth. A strangely familiar warmth slowly begins to envelop the room I’m in. I don’t understand it. Just a few seconds ago I was freezing from the cold, and now… I feel my muscles relax. Warmth fills me from the inside, as if I just drank a cup of hot tea. I smile involuntarily, still wandering my eyes over the door behind which she disappeared a moment ago… what did One call her? Two. I shudder as the door unexpectedly opens, then I stand still, subconsciously holding my breath. I feel like my feet are sticking to the ground, and my body is getting heavier and heavier. The first thing I see is a shadow slipping into the room through a crack in the slightly ajar door. Seconds later, I glance at his face. He looks tired. The color of those unique eyes turns even more unnatural in the artificial light. Purple clearly dominates, with flecks of blue and turquoise shimmering just behind. I drown in his gaze and can’t look away. The boy approaches me slowly, carefully observing my every even slightest reaction. He doesn’t stop. He passes me as If I don’t exist at all. He stands against the wall opposite the bed, leans against it and tilts his head, hanging his gaze on the ceiling. Dark strands of hair slide to the sides, completely revealing unusual eyes. I can’t guess what mood she is in. I suppose he is not happy with my company, and I have an irresistible impression that he was expecting something… someone completely different. Although I know I shouldn’t, I´m concerned about what he thinks about me. His presence in my life becomes more significant every minute.  It’s impossibly silly and doesn’t make much sense, but I feel connected to him in some way.

  “So?”  he turns to me in a way as if he´s “What do you mean “so?”   I repeat, confused, asking him in spirit to look at me. Struggling to say every word.

  “Believe me, I´m not amused by this situation either,”   he admits, then sighs loudly. “Ever since I can remember, I have been independent,” he states, laughing nervously. He shakes his head helplessly and looks as if he just said something extremely stupid. “What am I even talking about? Independent… ” He laughs again. It’s a bitter, sad laugh. “In fact, I only thought I was independent. What he says is incomprehensible to me, but I don’t interrupt him because it’s the first time he’s talked to me like this. No irony, no mask, sincere. Or at least that’s what I think. Is there something that Two has not told you about us?” He asks, pushing away from the wall.

  “Listen,”  I begin, searching for the right words. “I just want to go back to my boring life, back home to my grandmother….”

  “Don’t be naive,” he interrupts me, finally looking straight into my eyes. 

  “The life you’ve led so far ceased to exist the moment you spotted me in the woods. In fact, it never existed. Wake up and see with your eyes. Everything you believed in is probably a lie. Your family, your loved ones, your entire past is one big lie.”

  “You  don’t know  anything  about me,”  I whisper in a barely audible, thin voice.

  “Honey, I suppose I know more about you than you do yourself.”

I swallow my saliva, my throat is unbearably dry. My life would be a lie? All the memories? Every joyful moment spent with my parents? Every minute I laughed along with them? Every smile, every hug, every goodnight kiss? He seems to be mocking himself! Still, as much as I wish his words had nothing to do with reality, I’m afraid he’s right. No… I know he’s right, and that scares me terribly.

  “For your sake and the sake of your loved ones, you should stay here, together with us,”  he says.

  “Together with you?” I look at him confused.“This is one of those moments when one wishes one had someone at one’s side to decide for us what to do next. Such a guide, an advisor. I’m in no position to make any decision myself. I realize that if I go home, I will put my grandmother in danger, and that’s the last thing I want. But on the other hand, what will happen to her if I suddenly disappear and leave her alone? I can’t just drop everything and join a bunch of people who really shouldn’t exist at all! I’m a normal girl with normal problems,” I explain to him, panicked. “There is nothing extraordinary about me” I repeat what I have already told Two.

  “I’m sorry to shatter your previous worldview, but you are wrong about almost everything,” he says. “People like us have always existed in this clogged world, and there are more of us than you think.” He pierces me with an intense stare. “Are you saying that you are an ordinary girl?” He sighs. “Many things can be said about you, but “ordinary”?” He raises his eyebrows. “No. That’s the least fitting term. And as for your return home… Well, if you insist and tell me to drive you there, I’ll do it. Whether I like your wish or not, I will be forced to fulfill it.”

Two explained to me how the bond that connects people like him to their Guardians works, but I still can’t believe it.

  “Is it enough for me to order you to take me back home?” I ask in disbelief. 

He nods to confirm my assumption. I can see him clenching his teeth tightly as if preparing to fend off an attack. I can also see that he wants to hide the emotions boiling inside him from me at all costs, but I, although I have no idea how, feel them.

  “Your leaving will be a bad decision,” he announces after a while. “Coming home today, you will immediately draw their attention to you. Where do you think they will start looking for you? I think it’s clear that firstly they will inspect the place where you live. I know eagles, I know how they think and how they act. They won’t want to draw unnecessary attention to themselves by murdering your grandmother. Unless,” he interrupts and stands straight in front of me, “you will be foolish enough and decide to return, shall I tell you what will happen then?” He looks down at me, and I try to hold the weight of that gaze and not move an inch away. “The soldiers will handcuff you without much difficulty, and shoot your grandmother right in the head, and right in front of your eyes. Eagles never leaves witnesses. Believe me, I know something about that.” I bite my lower lip and remind my lungs to breathe. I look for a way out of this fatal situation, but I realize that there is none. No matter what path I choose, in any case, I will suffer painful consequences. “Personally, I don’t care what happens to your loved ones,” he continues, and I feel sick again. “However, I cannot allow you to bring danger to us with your irresponsible and reckless behavior. Sooner or later the eagles people will force you to speak. Sooner or later you will tell them everything and deliver me and all the rest on a silver platter.” I want to deny it, but the spiky ball growing in my throat prevents me from speaking out.“Once again, we will become a loaded weapon in their hands from which they can fire at any moment. So think carefully before you do something you will surely regret later.”

I´m standing in front of him as if I’m stumped. I open my mouth slightly, but remain silent. I know he is right. I can’t go back, at least not now. Anna won’t get her life back anyway. The most sensible thing would be to stay.

  “All right,”   I  choke out, lowering my head.   I´m unable to stop the slight trembling of my limbs.

  “Good decision.”

A silence of several minutes falls. Constrained, I poke my gaze into the concrete floor and wait. The boy unexpectedly grabs my hand and, as if nothing ever happened, starts pulling me towards the exit. The warmth emanating from him becomes even more intense, as does the bond between us. One is as lost as I’m. He is afraid of what I might do. Pulling me, he glides ahead. With a quick step, we walk through a narrow, winding corridor. I finally shake off the temporary shock and stop abruptly.

  “Wait a minute!”   I protest.  “Where are you taking me?”   I ask.

  “I think you should meet the rest of our group,” he replies, moving off, and I try to keep up with him. “I don’t want you to accidentally run into Three and have to explain to him what you’re doing here.” He surreptitiously looks at me over his shoulder. “As long as he’s in a good mood and lets you explain,” he says, slowing his pace. “Three rarely asks questions, he usually follows his instincts and acts immediately. And when he sees a stranger in our hiding place, what do you think his instincts will tell him? I prefer to avoid unnecessary insinuations.” I didn’t know there was someone else living here. My stomach clenches with nerves. I like it less and less here. If it weren’t for the bond between me and One, I wouldn’t feel much safer than in the company of the types who drove an off-road into Anna’s car. I look around and have the irresistible impression that we are in some kind of prison. The doors to each room are made of a sturdy steel-like material and secured with a hand-print lock. Attached to the ceiling, oblong neon lights are protected by metal bars that are slightly rusty. We stop in front of a steep concrete staircase leading downward. “I have a request for you, Alex,”  One speaks up.  “Try not to ask them too many questions,”  he asks with a serious face. “Especially to one of them.”

  “Do you mean Three?” I ask. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to their names.

The boy immediately nods, lets go of my hand and begins to descend, taking two steps at a time. I take a second to analyze the situation. I don’t even know what the type looks like, whom I shouldn´t get in the way under any circumstances, so how can I successfully avoid him? An image pops into my head of a stocky, menacing-looking guy with a bald-shaven skull and rage written all over his face. Well beautiful, nothing like a good stereotype. I shake my head vigorously, banishing this ghastly image from my thoughts. I greedily draw cold air into my lungs and set off after One. With every step I feel like I’m about to stumble and fall right on my face. It’s all the fault of those disobedient legs, which decide to turn into two quivering blocks of cotton wool. As I join One, I see a large double door that, unlike the rest, has no built-in lock. I hear my companion take a deep breath. He turns around, measuring me with a warning glance, puts both hands on the door and pushes it open, stepping inside. What appears to my eyes is a large room that probably serves as a dining room. The floor is made of concrete, as everywhere here. I’m glad I’m wearing warm shoes and not stilettos, in which my poor feet would probably freeze to the bone after just a few minutes. In the middle of the room stands an oblong wooden table, and sitting at it are three people I don’t know and Two. The warm light of the lamps, which is much stronger here, falls on the empty walls of the huge interior. Immediately, as I cross the threshold of the room, all eyes turn to me. Suddenly there is an awkward silence, and a tingling sensation from my stomach spreads throughout my body. I dream of  turning into a soap bubble, splashing out and finally disappearing from here. I´m embarrassed, confused and ashamed at the same time. A nervous fake smile appears on my face. One doesn’t pay attention to me at all, but walks over to the others, pushes back one of the vacant chairs and takes a seat at the table. He straightens his legs, sliding gently down and rests his elbows on the table, burying his face in his hands. Dark strands of hair fall disorderly onto his shirt sleeves.

  “Alex!”   I hear the cheerful voice of Two. When she gets up from the table and moves towards me, I let out a sigh of relief. “Come, I’ll introduce you to the rest,”  she announces, beaming, grabbing my wrist and pulling me towards the others. “Sit down.” She points to a chair standing right next to, presumably already sleeping, One. “Four finally brought something to eat,” she announces with a broad smile and simultaneously rests on the stool with me. The boy sitting to her right stands up and leans toward me, extending his hand in greeting. His chestnut curly hair is tumbled and sticks up in different directions. Dark hazel eyes look at me with a fondness that soothes my nerves a bit. This time I don’t have to force myself to smile, it automatically appears on my face on its own. I step back carefully, grabbing his hand and shaking it lightly.

  “Four”  he introduces himself briefly.

  “Alex”  I reply, grateful for his friendliness.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glance at One, who doesn´t deign to say a word. It pains me that I have no support in him. Never mind that I subconsciously feel his uncertainty and confusion. After all, he’s not alone, I’m also lost, it’s not a dream come true for me either. Could it be that he doesn´t see this?

  “Don’t worry about him,”  advises the girl sitting across from me, waving her tiny hand theatrically. She's much younger than the others, looking about ten, eleven years old at most. She has long blonde hair braided into two thick braids, tied at the ends  with pink ribbons. Her forehead is covered by a straight-cut fringe, reaching up to her slightly defined eyebrows. Green eyes measure me with curiosity. She gleefully fidgets her short legs under the table, gently fidgeting. She's so low that she doesn’t even touch the floor with her feet. She is wearing a red long-sleeved dress, thick white tights and black shiny shoes. She reminds me of a porcelain doll. “My name is Nana, and this is Five.”   She pokes the type sitting next to her with her finger. The guy is so tall that he would probably easily make it onto some basketball team. He has reddish hair and very dark eyes that are practically black in this light.

  “ Nana?”   I ask, surprised that her name is not another number.

  “Strictly speaking, Ten,”  the two-meter tall boy explains, and places a big hand on the girl’s head, gently brushing her hair.  “But she is not fond of this name.”   He laughs kindly, then stops his gaze on me again.  “You look nervous.”

Well, what can you NOT say,  I  think,  but  I  don´t dare to say it out loud.   I don’t want to complain again, there’s already enough lamenting about my fate.

  “Two told us everything,”  she announces and suddenly gets serious.  “I’m sorry to hear about your friend.”

Cold chills run through me, and a trickle of sweat runs down my back. My chin trembles uncontrollably. It takes me a few seconds to get my bearings again.

  “It’s not your fault,” I mumble finally. “It doesn’t matter how much I want to tear into someone who had at least a little to do with all this. I know that I won’t really accomplish anything with this and won’t even slightly improve my mood.”

I look at One, who would be perfect for the role of scapegoat.  I don’t know why he chose to ignore me, but I don’t like it at all.

  “ Nana is right,”  interjects Four.  “You shouldn’t worry about him.  You need time to get used to each other… both of you.”

  “You will soon get used to his peculiar behavior,”   states Two, winking at me as  I shrug my shoulders helplessly.

  “Wait until you get to know Three.” Nana giggles, and at the same moment all the rest throw her a warning glance. “Well, what?” She raises her hands and makes an innocent face. “In the end, I’m right. One is a docile bear compared to…”

  “Eat something, you are certainly starving,”  interjects Four, handing me a cardboard package with Chinese food.

  “Aha”   mutters  the  girl.   “I  understood  the  hint.   Not  another  word  about Three.”

  “We all know how poised you are,”  remarks Five.

  “Is he that bad?”   comes out of me.  I can never hold my tongue either.

  “Alex”   hisses  One  unexpectedly,  and  I  almost  choke  on  my  food.   I  was convinced that the boy was asleep.

  “It’s okay,”  I mumble, refraining from rolling my eyes.  “Not another word… I promise.”

Everyone ignores the mention of Three and acts as if his name has not been mentioned at all, and my curiosity continues to grow. The people sitting at the table with me are no different from the people I know. At least not at first glance. To me, they are as ordinary as any of my acquaintances. Despite my fears, I feel comfortable and at ease in their company. I decide to follow One’s advice and not ask too many questions. The fact that the mysterious Three has not yet appeared allows me to relax further. However, I can’t help but glance at the large door through which he may enter at any moment. Suddenly, I hear the loud sound of a chair moving away. I reflexively look in the direction of the noise and see One getting up from the table. He hasn’t even touched his portion. 

  “Is it ready?”   He asks and, like me just now, glances at the door.

I take the last piece of chicken in my mouth, chew quickly and nod, also pushing back my chair.  I slowly get up from the table.

  “Two”  turns One to the short-haired girl.

  “I know, One, I will tell him everything,”  she reassures, not waiting for his question.

  “Thanks”   throws  her  a  barely  visible  smile.    

  “Let’s  go,”   she  announces, grabbing my hand, and moves towards the exit.

It’s strange, but every time he touches me, I feel a distinct sense of relief, peace, and I’m almost convinced that nothing bad will happen to me with him. I can’t explain it, I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Something attracts me to him, and what’s worse, every minute this boy becomes more and more dependent on me. I wonder what is it about him that induces this state in me? A warmth that no one could ever get enough of, or something else entirely, something that can’t be explained so easily?

  “One.”   A hoarse, low voice snaps me out of my reverie.

A tall, well-built boy stands on the threshold of a large doorway, and right next to him is a short girl with an angelic face, even shorter than me. She has light, straight shoulder-length hair and caramel eyes.

  “Get  out  of  my  way,  Three,”   commands  One,  squeezing  my  poor  hand tighter and tighter.

I think I must have misheard myself. Yes, I definitely misunderstood something, because the boy standing in front of us can in no way be the type that everyone here is afraid of. There’s nothing about him to repel, just the opposite. Whether I want it or not, I can’t take my eyes off him. After all, I’m only human. I guess any girl in my position would be looking at him the same way right now. Let’s not kid ourselves, the guy looks more like a Vogue cover model than a fear-inducing, terrifying superman. His hair is shiny and as black as a raven’s feathers. Single strands sway with every movement, covering his eyes - one bright blue, resembling a clear, azure lake, and the other green, associated with an extremely beautiful emerald. Wanting to ease the tension between the two boys, I raise my hand to greet them.

  “Don’t touch me!”   shouts Three unexpectedly, backing away from me as if burned.

One, surprised and annoyed at the same time, grabs my hand in a flash and directs it down, shaking his head firmly.

  “Let’s go,”  he says to me in a warning tone.

  “But…”

  “I said:  let’s go!”   he orders, pushing me towards the exit. I  have no idea what I did that Three reacted so nervously. He looked as if he was scared to death of something. My petite person certainly didn’t trigger this reflex in him, but if it wasn’t me he was scared of, then what? I quickly turn one last time in his direction. Before the door slams shut, I see a short girl whisper something in his ear and comfortingly stroke his shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again, understood?”   growls One.

  “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything wrong! I just wanted to say hello,” I explain, I don’t know why myself. “Any way you look at it, I don’t kill with a touch or something” I say in a sarcastic tone, looking at him as if he were some kind of madman.

  “It’s not about what you did, it’s about what he could do to you.”

  “I don’t understand what you mean.” I   break out of his grasp and stand still on one of the steps leading upwards.  I´m totally confused.

  “You don’t know us, you don’t know what we are capable of, you don’t even suppose…” he interrupts suddenly, combing his fingers through his hair nervously. “You don’t suppose how dangerous we can be.”

He says the last sentence almost in a whisper, looking away from me. I can see that he is confused and embarrassed. I know he’s trying to explain something to me that he can’t put into words, and I know it comes with incredible difficulty.

  “You’re right,” I admit. “I don’t know anything about you or the world you live in. I don’t know any of you.” I inadvertently raise my voice, feeling increasing anxiety and helplessness. I’m filled with a thousand conflicting feelings. “But this will never change unless you yourselves open up to me. I could ask each of you hundreds of questions, but it still won’t help. Do you know why?” I take a deep breath and immediately, when the boy opens his mouth to answer me, I go on, “To really be able to get to know someone, you have to ask the right questions, and I don’t have the strength anymore, I don’t have the patience to look for those questions.” I bite my lower lip and smell the metallic, sweet taste of blood. “My limit has long since been crossed.” I feel my eyes begin to pinch. I Won´t cry, I command myself. Not in front of him, not now! “I try to understand you, but it’s only been a few hours. Put yourself in my place. I can’t learn the rules here in such a short time. I can’t…”

  “Let’s give ourselves a break for today,” he announces in a calm, composed voice. “You should rest. You’re right… I don’t have the right to demand your immediate compliance. It’s all… it’s all totally fucked up.” He doesn’t say anything else. He waves his hand, showing me to follow him. Bit by bit I´m grateful to him, I wouldn’t be able to continue this conversation any longer. I need a rest, a break from this story. I need time to myself. If only a few hours alone with myself. I need to calm down, to recharge. We walk in silence, but this time it doesn’t bother me one bit. I like the silence, which magically soothes my nerves. We stop in front of the door opposite which is Room Two, where the girl dressed my wounds earlier. In the meantime, I learned that she shares it with Four, who is her Caretaker. The same goes for the rest, they live in twos and are almost inseparable. One puts his hand to the lock and does exactly the same as Two did before. The scanner flickers red as it swipes across the fingerprints, then lets us in. The room we find ourselves in is an exact copy of Room Two, except that it’s decorated completely differently. Well, yes, “decorated” is perhaps the wrong word. As I run my eyes over the right wall, a cold shiver runs down my spine. There are all sorts of weapons everywhere. Starting with knives and ending with pistols, revolvers and heavy, large rifles. I wonder for a brief moment why he needs all this arsenal, when he himself is a walking, loaded weapon. I shudder, but I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or maybe from fear. I glance at the other, opposite wall. Standing next to it is a narrow, rather cramped bed, resembling an army bunk. On the thin mattress lie a small pillow and a thick blanket. I look at my own hands. They are stained with dried, dark blood. My clothes are totally ruined. I didn’t pay attention to this before, these are such insignificant details that compared to the rest they don’t matter at all. I sigh with resignation and try to hide my embarrassment. Only now does it occur to me that I probably look like Cruella De Mon. I suppose the black mascara has long since run off my eyelashes onto my cheeks, which must look really nasty. My lips are dry and cracked. I prefer not to think about my hair, which 100 percent looks like it’s after a solid teasing. I shake my head slowly, laughing quietly to myself. Who thinks about appearance in such a situation? “I’ll take you to the bathroom,” offers One, as if he reads my mind. But he probably doesn’t have to do that at all, one glance is enough to tell that I need a warm bath and new clothes. “You look nightmarish,” he states, measuring me with his eyes from top to bottom.

  “I think this isn´t such a bad idea at all,”  I admit, once again looking at my hands.

  “Follow me,” he says, leaving the room. “The bathroom is not far from here,” he announces and, without warning, grabs my hand, dragging me into the corridor behind him. We walk just a few steps and stand in front of another door. As far as I’m concerned, everything here looks the same. We are in an underground maze and I´m convinced that if I were left alone, I would never get out of here. One grabs the handle, then opens the door. He extends his hand, inviting me inside. A huge room, which no doubt serves as a bathroom, is revealed before me. I wrap my arms around myself, wandering my gaze around the empty walls. To the right are four rectangular  sinks, and above them is a giant mirror. Opposite is a bathtub recessed into the floor, resembling a mini-basin. To the left I see a thick glass wall. Behind it are jets attached to the ceiling, and beneath them lie white tiles on the floor - every other one cracked or scratched. By the door stands a wide row of cabinets, the kind I remember from school, made of some kind of sheet metal. Some of them are open wide, so I notice towels and bathrobes hanging on hangers. “I’ll bring you something to change into. I’ll borrow some clothes from Two,” announces One, heading for the exit. “When you’re ready, knock on the door a few times. I’ll wait outside.”

I nod, and he disappears into the hallway, leaving me alone.  I don’t think about it for long.  I walk over to the bathtub and turn on the tap to fill it with water. The fact that it doesn’t run warm doesn’t surprise me too much. The important thing is that it’s not icy, with lukewarm I can somehow manage. I take a couple of breaths and in no time at all I jump out of my soiled, ragged clothes and rush into the tub. In the first seconds I feel like a passenger on the Titanic. With gritted teeth, I grab a bar of soap lying on the edge of the tub and expressly start scrubbing my body. I try not to skip any place besmeared with blood. I don’t need much time, only a few minutes pass, and I’m already ready. The probability of freezing unfortunately increases with every second. Shivering, I wipe myself with one of the clean towels and put on my bathrobe with the silent hope that it will make me at least a little warmer. I rub my hands together and chuckle to warm my ossified fingers. I walk to the door, combing my long hair with my fingers. I beg in my spirit that it won't turn into one big quagmire by tomorrow. I take a deep breath, order myself to stop shaking, which is not at all easy, then knock twice on the steel. The boy immediately opens. In his hands he holds fresh clothes, which he places on the floor, and without a word he leaves, closing the door behind him. I pull myself together, clench my teeth and quickly put on the new clothes. I’m surprised that they fit quite well. Two is slim, like me, but very tall. I have to roll up the legs of my jeans a few times. The sleeves of the sweater are also too long, but that doesn’t bother me at all; I pull them even tighter and make gloves out of them. When I’m ready, I open the door and step out into the hallway. One is leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest and his head lowered. He has also managed to change his clothes. He´s wearing a thin, long-sleeved gray turtleneck and light-colored pants, tucked into tall leather boots. He lifts the corner of his mouth and slowly pushes himself away from the wall. He approaches me cautiously and then grabs my hand. I don’t flinch. Without knowing why, I have already become accustomed to his touch and even like it. Immediately, when we enter the room, One walks over to the bed and sits down on the floor.

                                                                        ***

I´m awakened by quiet moans and unintelligible gibberish. I feel an unpleasant chill, the hand of One has disappeared from mine. Drowsy, I rise from the bed and look towards the boy. He is lying on the hard floor, trembling and tossing from side to side. His muscles are tensing monstrously, with drops of sweat showing on his forehead. He clenches his teeth and eyes, and tears run down his cheeks. His breathing is uneven and accelerated. He looks as if someone is inflicting unimaginable pain on him. I never counted on seeing him in such a state. Helpless, terrified and limping like a small child. I sprang to my feet, knelt down beside him and put my hand on his chest. His heart is fluttering far too fast. It is pounding with such force as if it wants to get out. I can clearly hear its rumbling, and I have an irresistible feeling that my heart wants to join this frantic beat. After my parents died, I had nightmares almost every night. They plague me to this day, moreover. Every time I land in one of them, I would give anything to have someone pull me out of it.

  “No…”  gasps One.  “Enough”  he mumbles in his sleep.

He tries to drive his nails into the floor and twists his face.  I can no longer look at it and start poking him.

  “Wake up”  I whisper in an uncertain voice.  No reaction.  I shake him harder. Again and again.  “Wake up!”   I shout finally.

Suddenly he opens his eyelids, grabs me by the neck and in one agile movement throws me to the shoulder blades. I hit the creased blanket, which must have fallen off the bed earlier. I don’t doubt that my skull wasn’t smashed just because of this soft material acting as a shock absorbed. I can’t breathe. I instinctively grab his wrists, trying to free myself from his strong grip, but I’m only wasting my time. He is above me. He sits on top of me with his arm around me, his furious gaze piercing me to the core. The purple-blue eyes turn so dark that I can barely see the pupils. I can’t get the words out. I’m about to die. Tears run down my temples. I’m dying. The fog obscures the view of his face. The image becomes more and more blurry. I´m about to lose consciousness. One unexpectedly takes his hand from my neck and quickly moves away, with a hiss, taking in air through clenched teeth. I chuckle and grasp my breath greedily. The boy looks as if he only now realizes he is awake. He rolls his eyes and pokes them into my frightened face. When he slightly parted his lips, his lower lip trembles uncontrollably.

  “Alex”  he mumbles my name.  “I…”

  “Are you okay?”   I ask, massaging my sore throat. 

  “I…”  he repeats.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “I’m fine,”  I state, smiling slightly.  “It’s just a dream,”  I say.  “It was just a stupid dream.”

  “Do you even realize that I could have killed you”  raises his voice.

  “But you didn´t kill.”   I shrug my shoulders, as if it was a small thing.  “I’m fine”  I assure him a second time.

  “I can’t believe it.”   He closes his eyes for a moment and frustrated presses the root of his nose with his fingers. He picks himself up from the floor, then shakes my hand. Something about him makes me feel safe. I don’t hesitate, I immediately grab his hand and let him help me. The way he looks at me reassures me. Even the fact that he almost strangled me a few minutes ago doesn’t make me fearful. On the contrary, in that brief moment, he becomes closer to me than ever. Because in that one moment I recognize myself in his eyes. Doubt, fear and pain. He built a wall around himself, behind which he hid his feelings and his true self. “Are you sure…” He runs his fingers over my neck in the place where he clasped his hand a moment ago and makes me shiver with this. “I´m sorry,” he whispers, lowering his gaze.

  “You haven’t done anything you need to apologize for,”  I state honestly. He doesn’t know what to answer me.  With his slender fingers, he combed his sweat-wet hair. He looks around the room, as if looking for something. He sighs and sits down on the bed, indicating the place next to him. I don’t think long. I squat down and look deeply into his eyes. The purple with blue are brightening again. "You know”  I begin uncertainly.  “Actually, I should thank you.” He watches me confused and gently wrinkles his forehead. From his puzzled expression, I conclude that this isn’t what he expected. He tilts his head to the side, meeting me with a look. “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here at all,” I remind him in a low voice.

  “Alex,” he says in a half whisper. “You don’t have to thank me for anything.”

  “You don’t understand.” I shake my head and sigh helplessly.

  “I understand better than you think,”  he states.  “You hate me, you blame me for what happened to Anna.” I swallow my saliva and can’t believe that a boy who barely knows me has seen through me with such ease. “Don’t look at me like that.” A sad, bitter smile appears on his distressed face. “I already told you that I know you better than you know yourself. I was on hand at the time, wasn’t I?” He asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer. “You weren’t able to hold back your anger, you had to get all those feelings out of you, and at that moment you didn’t care who you took it out on.”

  “When you burned the car in which Anna was sitting…”   I don’t finish.  My voice trembles and the words stay in my throat, refusing to come out.

  “You thought I was a monster.”

  “Deep down I knew I should be grateful to you for saving my life, but at the time that didn’t matter. At that time, I only saw you as a heartless murderer who cares who and when he kills.” I can’t stand it, I turn my gaze away from him and drive my gaze to the floor.

My palms are wet with sweat. As hard as I can, I press them to my knees.

  “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” He puts his warm hand on mine,  which  makes  me  reflexively  direct  my  eyes  back  to  him.   “You  don’t grasp it yet, but sooner or later you will see that we share a strong bond.” He´s wrong. I noticed it from the very first meeting. Admittedly, I didn’t know what attracted me to him, but I felt that there was something between us that I couldn’t comprehend. I felt that we had something more in common… much more than I would have liked. Only now do I realize that my eyes are filled to the brim with tears. I begin to blink quickly so that he won’t notice anything, but it doesn’t help much. I lift my head, take a deep breath and try to calm myself down. It’s inconceivable that he just manages to get me into such a state. Since the death of my parents, I have been hiding my true thoughts and feelings from others. Only two people have been able to get the real Alex out of me. Only those two always knew what was wrong with me. Only those two…“You don’t have to refrain from crying in front of me,”

he announces. “Get it out of your system,”

he advises.

“By suffocating everything inside, you will suffer even more. Trust me.” Whether I want it or not, I let go. My mask falls, the high wall comes down. Outcomes this fragile, delicate Alex with a sensitive heart, who is so easily hurt. I sob like a little child. Something inside me breaks. I’m not just crying because of what happened to me today. I’m crying for all the past years when I couldn’t cry. I cry for every moment when I chased away the tears to pretend to be tough. I cry and can’t stop. He doesn’t interrupt me, he sits quietly next to me, holding my hand. He doesn’t ask for anything. He doesn’t tell me to calm down, just stays silent. A good dozen minutes pass before I collect myself. The tears have dried up, and I feel relieved, and after a while even something that can be compared to contentment. One hands me a blanket, which earlier, probably saved my life. “You should get some sleep,”  he whispers, slipping off the bed, and takes a seat on the floor. I don’t protest.  I lie  down  and  cover myself.  I snuggle  my  head  into  the pillow and immediately fall asleep.