Medallion

Tonight, I finally managed to fall asleep without much trouble. I admit that, to some extent, the thought of showing up in the evening to a house full of people, more than half of whom I probably don’t know, doesn’t bother me much anymore. The image of a merciless murderer with burning hands doesn’t constantly visit my mind. I stand behind the counter in the café and nervously look around the premises. I fear that I will be forced to meet the mysterious stranger again. I’m clinging to the hope that he won’t keep his word and won’t come back today.

  “I don’t believe my eyes!”  I hear Anna’s excited voice and immediately know what she is talking about. And it was supposed to be so beautiful, damn it. In my spirit, I thank God and all the saints that I didn’t call the police yesterday. That would have only been a shame! Failure all along the line. “He really came, Alex!” Anna jerks me by the arm, nodding in the direction of the boy, who is just taking a seat at the same table as yesterday. “Honestly, I didn’t think I’d see him again after all this time.” She grits her teeth, patting me on the back.

  “To be honest,”  I repeat after her with a slight irritation in my voice, “I hoped he wouldn’t come.”

  “Get to it, master!”   She giggles.  “Pick up the order.  Aha!  Only this time try not to demolish anything on the way,”  she advises, snorting with laughter.

  “Thanks a lot”  I mumble under my breath and roll my eyes, making a sour face.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale… breathe, Alex, remember to breathe, I command myself, walk towards him. The first thing I notice when I stop at the table is his amused expression. I reflexively squinted my eyes in anger. I just don’t know if I’m more angry at him or maybe at myself.

  “I hope I won’t have to undress today,” he begins, settling comfortably in a chair. “Well, unless you ask nicely.” He winks at me, and I clench my lips tighter to avoid accidentally saying something I will regret later.

  “Hello, what can I do for you?”   I ask, ignoring his taunts.

I wander restlessly with my eyes all over the premises, just to avoid meeting his eyes. I try not to think about that deep, magnetic gaze. I start tapping my right foot on the wooden floor in exasperation. I can’t fathom it. Some strange force attracts me to him like a magnet, and yet I don’t know him at all. Something doesn’t feel right to me here… yes, something is clearly wrong.

  “You know…” he runs over me with an investigative eye “… I have an irresistible feeling that if you don’t sit down soon, I’ll have to pick you up off the floor,” he announces, and the corner of his mouth wanders upward. “You are pale as a wall.  Relax, honey.”

  “I’m fine,”  I strain through clenched teeth.

My hands are slowly starting to freeze, which is an undeniable sign that I’m nervous. I thought I had gotten it out of my head that the boy sitting in front of me was a heartless murderer, but apparently, I was wrong. On top of that, there’s also the cursed party tonight. I keep repeating to myself that there is nothing to worry about, but it doesn’t help at all. One hemisphere of my brain can’t wait, and the other has been scheming for a good few hours now about what excuse to come up with, so I don’t have to go there. After picking up my order, I step behind the marble counter. I don’t have to wait long, the brownie and coffee appear in a flash on one of the trays. I take it and move back to our guest.

  “Enjoy your meal,”  I choke out and make an attempt to smile.

As I bend over to place a cup of coffee and a cake on the table, a silver necklace with a round pendant that once belonged to my mother slides out from behind my shirt. The boy unexpectedly moves quickly away from the table until I hear the unpleasant rustling of the chair legs. He sticks his back to the backrest and stares dully at my locket.

  “Interesting necklace,”  he chuckles, surprising me with a sudden change of subject.

I’m not sure what to answer, so I decided on a simple:  

  “Thank you”.  I straighten up and am ready to leave when the stranger begins to speak next:

  “Where did you get it?” he asks as if it matters in any way.  Why does it matter to him?

There is a strange symbol on my pendant, which has always puzzled me, but it never occurred to me to look for its meaning. I thought it was an ordinary pattern carved on a silver-plated plate. The medallion is engraved with two angular, crisscrossing figure eights. They look as if they were composed of squares. Four lines come o

ut from where they intersect. They go up, down, and sideways in turn. After a short thought, I decided to be a polite, courteous girl and answer him.

  “It belonged to my mother,” I mutter half-hardheartedly. I turn around and take the first step toward the counter. “That would explain a lot” I mumble to myself.

   “Do you know what this symbol means?”

  he asks suddenly, changing his tone of voice to a higher one.

  “No, I don’t know,”  I reply, trying to remain calm.

I don’t like to talk about my parents, and consequently, also about things that are related to them. It awakens memories in me, and each of them hurts.

  “Why don’t you ask your parents about it?”

I’m all pinned up with anger. It’s as if someone is deliberately scratching old wounds.

  “The dead don’t answer!” I mumble, trying to stop myself from saying further words that would result in my dismissal. 

It’s not his fault, I repeat in my mind. He is simply a nosy customer who is not worth bothering with. It’s not worth arguing about.

  “Are they dead?” he quirks, wrinkling his eyebrows in thought.

What is there to think about for a long time, they are dead and gone. And besides, I still don’t know what’s in it for him. I squeeze the tray tighter in my hands and order myself to breathe slowly.

  “Listen,”  I begin irritably, “I’m sure it’s none of your business.”

  “Let’s hope it’s none of my business,” he says in almost a whisper. He puts the money on the counter and without further words leaves the premises. Again, he doesn’t touch anything.

I don’t understand, after all, I’m the one who should be pissed, not him! I’m not guilty of anything. He’s some kind of madman. I shrug my shoulders, sigh, and shake my head, heading behind the bar.

  “What did you make up again, Alex?” Anna asks me, spreading her hands.

  “I don’t have a clue,” I answer truthfully, unable to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

Anna just sighs loudly and, to my joy, doesn’t comment on my statement. Around three o’clock in the afternoon, we began to gather to leave.

  “Are we going together?”  she turns to me.  A gentle smile is painted on her round face.

  “I still wanted to drop by the library,”  I announce, sending her an apologetic look.

  “Suit yourself, but I hope you haven’t forgotten about today’s party.  You won’t get away from me so easily, dear.”

  “How could I forget.”  I look at her with astonishment. “You’ve been talking about it since the morning.”

  “Fine, fine!” She threatens me with her finger.

  “So I’ll see you around seven o’clock,” she communicates to me, after which she zips her jacket up to the neck, puts on a wool cap, and leaves, waving goodbye to me. After a short while, I heard the car engine. She drives away.

Today the weather is much nicer than yesterday. True, the sky is still slightly overcast, but at least it’s not raining and it’s not windy. I tie a thick shawl made by my grandmother around my neck and go outside. The library I go to is only a dozen meters away from the café, so I don’t have to walk long. When I got there, I ran my eyes over the large building that once served as an elementary school.  I smile in spirit because whenever I’m here, I’m always reminded of the good old days when I was an unsuspecting, carefree kid.

  “Hey, Alex!”  Immediately, when I open the glass door, I’m greeted by a warm, feminine voice.

A short, plump person sitting behind a wooden desk smiling wide at me.

  “Hey, Molly!” I reply.

Molly is a very nice, quiet woman in her per-forties who lives in her own world, understood only by herself. Large glasses with thick frames hide her amber, beautiful eyes. Her curly red hair, which she describes as chestnut, is tied in a ponytail.

  “Are you looking for something specific?”    She asks, getting up from her chair and approaching me.

  “Surprise me,” I announce. “You know what I like.” I coquettishly move my eyebrows, winking at her. Molly giggles quietly, then disappears in a flash, setting off to find a new book.

                                                                              ***

I’m almost sure I’ve managed to change a good twenty times, and I still don’t know if the outfit I’m wearing is right. I wore black, tight jeans and a white, thin blouse. I’m not fond of dresses. I remember once my mother told me that I was to be born a boy. At the very thought of it, the corners of my mouth automatically wander upward. I make up for lost time digging through my closet in the bathroom. I don’t do perfect makeup, just a light stroke of mascara and a smear of lip gloss. I don’t wanna play with my hair anymore, I let it loose and comb it gently with a brush. Downstairs, I say goodbye to my grandmother with a kiss on the cheek, then putting on my black boots I reach for the leather jacket hanging on the hanger by the door and look into the mirror standing right in front of me. I take a deep breath, running my eyes over my reflection. For a moment, I keep my gaze on the silver medallion. Since I put it on for the first time, I didn’t take it off once. I wonder why the stranger was so interested in it. Something about this boy makes me shiver. Every time he is close, I feel that some inexplicable force pushes me towards him. I don’t comprehend it, I’ve never experienced anything like it before. I control my appearance one last time and find that it’s not as bad as I thought at first. I put my hair behind my ears and pull on a warm hat. Anna should show up any minute. I haven’t been to a single party since my parent’s death, which makes me feel like I’m about to take a very important exam. I’m alternately cold and warm, and the tips of my fingers go numb sporadically. Calm down, Alex, I say in my mind to my panicked self. It’s just a silly party. You’ve been through hundreds of them! Waiting impatiently for Anna, I manage to wipe off almost all the lip gloss from my lips continually nibbling my lower lip with my teeth, I shift nervously from foot to foot. As if that wasn’t enough, one of my fingernails has decided to break nastily. In the past, it would never have occurred to me that I would be so concerned about a dastardly event in the future. Fuck… As if I didn’t have bigger worries on my mind. Maybe I should change my mind and stay home after all? Yes, that’s not a bad idea at all. I won’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, and I won’t have to answer embarrassing questions. A loud knock on the door snaps me out of my thoughts. I immediately open it and am greeted by Anna, who, unlike me, has spent at least an hour doing her makeup and another styling her hair. She is wearing a red, tight-fitting dress, in my opinion showing far too much bare flesh. She would probably freeze from the cold if it weren’t for the long black coat thrown over her shoulders. I look at her high, elegant stilettos with a heel a hundred and a half inches higher than ten and make big eyes. If I'd been the one to wear such, I would have prayed to take them off after just a few minutes.

  “I’m begging you, Alex!”   she begins, measuring me with her eyes.  “I can’t believe you don’t have a single dress in your closet!  For God’s sake, dress as befits a woman for once in your life.”

  “Oh, Anna!” I roll my eyes and raise both hands in a gesture of helplessness. “It’s just a silly party at a friend’s house. If it comforts you, I promise that for your wedding I will sacrifice myself and wear a damn dress, okay?” I announce, turning her toward the exit.

I put both hands on her back and almost forcefully pushed her out of the house. I have to make sure we’re finally out of here before my wonderful friend decides to turn my poor closet upside down and squeeze me into something I would never wear in life. Megan’s house is about ten kilometers from mine. Anna is practically all the way occupied with two topics, or strictly speaking, two types. We’ve talked about Sebastian more than once, but the mere mention of the café boy gives me a headache. I don’t even want to think about him, and I don’t understand why Anna thinks I’ll be able to listen to him or, even worse, talk about him. After all, I know practically nothing about him. I’ve only seen him three times, the first of which probably happened only in my sick head.

  “You know” I finally speak up, interrupting her apparently endless wave of questions. “Sometimes I dream that someone would tape your mouth with Super Glue, the strongest kind of it,” I burble, leaning my head against the chair’s headrest and sighing heavily.

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”   She grits her teeth, driving into the yard in front of Megan’s house.

I didn’t expect there to be so many visitors. The cars stand side by side and are parked so tightly that their passengers won’t have an easy time getting into them. Anna drives into a gap between two bald trees and stops literally a few millimeters from the fence behind which the neighbors live. Already here the loud music is ringing in my ears. I get out, slam the door behind me, and together with Anna, move to the entrance of the big house.

  “I can’t believe my eyes!  ALEX!”  a loud, masculine voice belonging to a tall, well-built boy with catlike eyes greets me.

Sebastian does not wait for an answer. He embraces me and gently lifts me, making a turn around his own axis. Strands of his dark brown hair, which by some miracle managed to free itself from a tightly pulled ponytail, gently tickle my cheek.

  “Yes, I’m really here and no, it wasn’t my idea,”  I explain before he can ask anything.

  “Stop nagging, sweetheart,”  he says, grabbing my hand, then starts pulling me inside, battering everyone standing in the way in the process.

We stop at a large gray sofa. I surreptitiously glance in Anna’s direction. She’s no longer at the entrance. I run my eyes across the room and find her leaning against the wall, chatting about something with Megan and a couple of guys I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest desire to join the crowd prancing in the middle of the huge living room, so I throw myself on the soft couch, reclining comfortably. I’m not in the mood to jump to the beat of the music and pretend that everything is fine. Sebastian makes several unsuccessful attempts to get me out on the dance floor. After a few minutes, however, it occurs to him that I’m not going to move anyway. He sighs loudly, shaking his head, as if to say to me: Girl, I don’t have the strength for you, then takes a seat next to me, putting his long legs on the backrest of the sofa and his head in my lap.

  “Aren’t you too comfortable?”   I ask jokingly.

  “I’m glad you came,” he says, skipping the question. He looks up, straight at my slightly reddened face, and smiles gently. “How are you doing? You don’t look happy. I mean, you never look happy, but today it’s so obvious that my eyes hurt.”

  “Everything is fine.  You don’t have to worry about me,”  I mumble under my breath, ignoring his sarcasm.

  “Is something wrong?”   Suddenly he gets serious. 

  “After all, I say, everything is fine with me.”

  “Hey.” He looks at me suspiciously with squinted eyes. “We’ve known each other long enough that I can tell when something is bothering you. We once promised each other something.” He rises from my lap. “We will never lie to each other. Do you still remember?” He lowers his head, staring at the tiled floor. “We agreed that no matter what, we would always be honest with each other.”

I remember, my inner voice speaks up.  How could I forget? We were children then, but neither of us has broken our word to this day. I feel comfortable with the idea that at least with one person I can really be myself. I don’t have to surround myself with a high wall and hide my feelings behind Sometimes it seems to me that even if I tried to erect it in front of Sebastian, he would still easily get through it. It’s like he reads my mind. There is nothing to argue with him, it is clear that sooner or later he will get the truth out of me.

  “Tell me, what is wrong with me?” I ask, directing my gaze to the ceiling. “I get angry for any reason and yell at anyone who just mentions my parents. You know… today I even tore into one of the café’s customers,” I admit, smiling sadly. “It was enough that he asked about Mom’s necklace.” I take a deep breath and try to calm down. I know that Sebastian Won’t interrupt me. He is always patiently silent and listens to me until I finish telling the story. I have no idea how he does it, but almost every time he knows when to speak up. He waits. He doesn’t look at me directly, which is really heartening. I remain silent for a few more minutes, then continue talking: “I felt like he said something unforgivable to me.” I shake my head. “As if he insulted me with something. Do you think this will ever end? This lingering grief, this resentment against the whole world, this pain? Do you think it will all go away someday? Do you think it will ever stop hurting?”

I look for Sebastian’s gaze.  The deep green of his eyes has a calming effect on me.  He hugs me, not waiting a moment longer.

  “I know my answer is not very comforting” he whispers in my ear, “but I can’t say anything else.” He strokes my back. “You constantly worry about everything. You’ve got the whole house on your head, your grandmother, and paying those fucking bills. Few people would find themselves in your shoes. I admire you. I would never be able to handle your situation myself. You are much stronger than you think you are, sunshine. You just need to realize that you are not alone. You have many friends who will help you without hesitation. They will support you and comfort you. You just have to let them.”

Tears appear in the corners of my eyes.  As fast as I can, I wipe them with my sleeve and move away from Sebastian, blinking a few times to stop crying.

  “Thanks,”  I whisper. I have no intention of pursuing the subject any longer.

  “Enough about me,”  I announce firmly.  “Tell me better, how is it with you?”   I smile sincerely.

Sebastian isn’t Anna, he doesn’t force me to continue the conversation. He doesn't tire me with curiosity. He knows that if I want and am ready, he will know the rest. I will tell him about the fact that I’m daydreaming, that I’m going crazy and losing my mind. Yes, I will definitely share this with him someday. But not now, not yet.

  “My father is spending more and more time at work, which keeps making things worse. Sometimes I hate him with all my heart. I feel like shaking him decently and reminding him that the family comes first, not his job!” He waves his hands nervously. He does this whenever something pisses him off. “I feel like it won’t be too long before Mom leaves him.”

Sebastian’s dad is a police chief. Anyone who knows him even a little is no doubt able to tell that he’s dealing with a workaholic. Increasingly, I’m coming to the conclusion that Sebastian’s father loves the post and solving difficult mysteries more than his own wife.

  “On top of that, there’s this new case.” He leans over, intertwines his fingers together, and rests his chin against them. His elbows rested on his bent knees. “I don’t know exactly when it all started, but one fine day people started disappearing. Just like that, just disappear. No one knows what happens to them, but most don’t give a damn anyway, because from what I managed to overhear when my father was on the phone, only criminals disappear. And I’m not talking about some minnows here, some are massive shots. High-ranking businessmen who took bribes, but to whom no one could prove anything, and their similar miscreants. But my old man obviously thinks that it doesn’t matter who they were, you need to explain their disappearances, you need to find the people responsible for this mess and put them behind bars,” he burbles angrily. “Ah! Screw it! Waste of my nerves, he will never change.”

In a split second, my mouth dries up so much that I dream of a sip of water. My heart starts beating faster, and a cold, unpleasant shiver runs down my back, making my whole body covered with goosebumps. I rub my eyes, looking somewhere in front of me, but I see practically nothing. The image is blurry, as if I found myself in some thick fog. All my muscles tense up tightly as the unfamiliar boy seen in the forest reappears in my mind. It’s probably just a stupid coincidence. It can’t be about him. Sebastian says they are looking for more than one person. But what if I’m right? If it’s the type from the coffee shop who is responsible for everything? Is that possible?

  “Are you all right?”   Sebastian’s voice snaps me out of my reverie.

  “Do  you  happen  to  know  anything  more  about  this  case?”  I  ask shyly, nervously biting my lower lip.

It’s just a coincidence, Alex… it’s just a coincidence, I repeat in my mind, trying in vain to calm myself down.

  “ Emm… I wouldn’t have thought you would be interested in this.”   He looks at me skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

  “I…”  I gasped, contemplating feverishly what to say to him. Thousands of ideas,  but  none even remotely useful.   Normally  I  would never touch this subject, but now nothing is normal anymore. “Don’t you think it’s interesting?” I ask finally. “How can people disappear without a trace? It doesn’t hold water. There are always traces left, however tiny. Always!” I state, emphasizing the last word.

  “Alex, I don’t care much,” he admits, shrugging his shoulders indifferently. “Besides, if it is as my father says, and only scum disappears, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’ll tell you something else: I hope the people who are responsible for this never get caught. Such people should be given medals, not prosecuted and threatened with prison. That’s all I have to say.”

  “How do you know that several people are behind this?”   I continue.

  “Sweetheart, you don’t mean to tell me that in your opinion one person would be capable of this!” he quirks. “We aren’t talking about a few disappearances here, but at least dozens! Some people, or at least that’s what my father said, are convinced that some mafia has its fingers in the whole affair. Some really high-ranking people may be behind it. Everything is completely twisted.”

  “I don’t get it,”  I admit.  “If this is such an important case, why aren’t the guys  from the criminal department interested in it?”

  “I didn’t say that,” he replies quickly. “I said that my old man is clinging to this case. The criminal investigation department took it over a long time ago.”

  “Did they seriously not find anything?  You said it’s been a while since this all started,”  I inquire stubbornly.

  “Either the attackers are effectively protected by someone important, or they are damn good at what they do. I don’t know much, my father can’t talk about work,” he explains. “I’m only passing on to you what I managed to overhear.”

  “So you don’t know anything else,”  I state disappointingly.

  “You surprise me,” he announces confused. “I would never have guessed that you would be interested in my old man’s work. You’re turning into a younger, more beautiful version of him. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing.” My cheeks are certainly red. I can feel them getting hotter and hotter. I decided to let it go. I just have to convince my distracted mind that a guy burning others with his own hands doesn’t exist. End of story, period! “Okay, I’ll get us something to drink,”  announces Sebastian, rising slowly from the couch.

  “Cool.”  I agree.  “Something cold will do me good.”

                                                                        ***

For the next couple of hours, I manage not to talk about uncomfortable topics and only talk about pleasant things. Fuck the fact that there aren’t many of them. I was almost certain that the whole event would end in a big flop, but contrary to my expectations, it’s not so bad. For a while, I even forgot about the mysterious boy and let myself feel like I used to before my parents died. Around three in the morning, I finally convinced Anna to leave Megan’s house. I promised that I would be the one to drive back so that she could take full advantage of the party, but I didn’t expect this promise to get her into such a state. Let’s be honest… she’s wasted. The makeup on her face resembles that of a clown, and her hair is sticking up in all directions. Sebastian and I pack her into the car. I fasten Anna’s seat belt and get behind the wheel. Before I close the door, Sebastian kisses me on the cheek and hugs me goodbye. I move toward home.