Trial of Flame

Why did this happen to us? right when I thought everything was finally going to be okay?

Who is the one to blame?

Is it us? Is it life?

Can we blame it on life? Or was this entirely our own doing?

But why us? And why you?

The unanswered questions don’t linger for long, they fade away slowly into oblivion as if they never existed, and that scares me because they leave void and emptiness behind.

The questions were painful, true, but I want them back, this void is much worse, it doesn’t cause me any pain, just numbness, random nihilism, nothing!

I lift my heavy head and search the room I am in with my eyes, everything around me is either black or grey, I feel like I know this place but don’t know it in the same time, it is familiar in a way but completely new in another, I try to pinpoint the change that made me feel this way about this place, but I can’t, it feels as if I am looking at it with new eyes.

I hear something in the back, it is noisy and disturbing but I can’t figure it out, maybe because I can’t focus on anything while these stings ravage my skin, like micro electric shocks erupting all over my body, making me shiver.

Cold!

As if my body’s reaction was waiting for my mind’s confirmation, I start shivering, my body feels so heavy and numb, but once the voices I heard earlier get louder, a new sensation settles in my heart, and then my entire being is being swept away with it, like how would a wave sweep over a small paper boat!

Fear!

I am scared, terrified, my throat tightened and I hear a terrified noise, a gasp? It is followed by many more; the way my throat hurts tells me that these frightened gasps are coming out of me.

Why am I this scared? And from what? I don’t really know!

My throat gets tighter and sourer, probably because I am gasping uncontrollably, it is getting more painful with each passing second, my hearts is beating so fast and my lungs are burning with need for breathable air, no one is touching me but I swear I feel millions of slippery hands crawling up my body, the scary part is that I can’t see them, only feel them, they make me nauseous and disgusted, my stomach is about to burst out of my mouth with how sick and scared I am!

And cold!

My body remembers the cold and again it is all I can focus on, I hug my body tighter, shivering like dry leaf facing the winds of September, the stings are becoming more and more painful by the second until suddenly, something is placed on my back, something soft and warm.

A blanket? I ask myself with the little clarity granted to me by the warmth I was wrapped in, I am not sure what it is, but I am grateful for it, for only now I managed to realize that I am naked to my bare skin.

And I am naked because all of my clothes are scattered around the room, some on the bed, I don’t know if they are still wearable or not, and I don’t care, I just don’t want to be exposed to the eyes, I want to hide!

‘You are worthless’ the faint disgusted voice makes me more aware with my nudity, and I shiver more even when I no longer feel the stings of cold, I bury my head between my arms, hoping that once I close my eyes, the darkness would swallow me whole.

But it doesn’t, and instead of disappearing, something grabs my shoulder and I jerk off, jolting away from the mass in front of me and screaming at the top of my lungs!

I don’t want to be touched, I am too disgusted with myself, with everything and everyone.

I try to crawl away but I am stopped by the same thing that stopped me earlier, a wall? I am trapped! I realize with a panic filled heart, not having any other way to resort, I look at the person grabbing my shoulder.

A woman, dressed in blue, crouching right in front of me, she had a concerned expression on her face as she kept on asking me questions, many questions to which I had no answer.

I have no answers, I don’t want to answer, not now, not while I am like this.

All I want to do is cry, alone.

The woman in blue is telling me to calm down and not cry, but I don’t listen to her, I need to cry, I need to let those sobs out, otherwise, they might suffocate me, for real.

 Let me cry, I hear myself sob louder, and again, I hear her voice telling me it is okay.

It is not okay.

Nothing in this goddamned life of mine…is okay…

“You are going to be safe; we have captured him; he will be punished”

I look at the woman in the eyes for the first time, perplexed, what is she talking about now?

Safe from what exactly?

Captured who?

I follow her line of sight and my eyes widen in shock and horror.

He was right there, lying flat on his stomach with his face pressed on the wooden floor, he was no longer naked and instead had sweat pants on, his hands were forced behind his back by a man in blue while another stood in front of him, with a gun in his hand, they were telling him to stop struggling and cooperate.

He wasn’t listening though, he was looking at me with those green eyes of his, his lips were moving quickly, but I couldn’t hear him, not even when he was merely few feet away, all I could focus on was his intense gaze.

His eyes, they were urging me for something.

What?

What do you want from me?

I start to gasp and the woman comes closer, standing as between me and him, I can no longer see him and I hear her telling the others to take him away, and they obeyed.

Why?

Why can I hear everything else except his voice?

I sob louder.

I need to say it.

I need to talk.

but nothing comes out and before I knew it, he was gone.