5. Disgrace

Dawn-

I got yelled at from my dad, he especially called me to see what suit he’d be wearing at the ceremony, I gave up. 

Before I truly start hating my father, before I turn into an orphan it’s better to just keep it shut. It’s not like Kai will kill me or something. 

Right?

I don’t have a choice, I tell myself but I don’t know if I can handle the aftermath. I want someone else to take decisions for me so that I can put the blame on them.

I know I'm indecisive, because so far, I’ve only complied to everything Ivy and the great Ashton McCoy told me. But I don’t think I'm ready to let Kai decide for me either.

I know Kai as a mafia and I'm unaware of what lies beneath. Everyone has a side to them that they keep hidden. Just like me, or even my father, who truly loved my mother but lost her eventually, and that lovable side faded away as well.

So, it’d be hard to believe but I don’t hold much hope in discovering something positive about Kai, I'm petrified on the contrary to meet something darker.

I’d be lying if I say I don’t find Kai appealing but since he’s a mafia and so intimidating and dominating and callous, I don’t think he’s the one I always waited for.  

I was escorted to my room which was adjacent to Kai’s. I knew we don’t like each other and are just bound by duties. But the need he mentioned, what is it? Why would he need someone like me?

I don’t accept this marriage, but my love for my father compels me to surrender. I am too feeble to fight for my own desires.

His father is pressuring him into this marriage, otherwise, why would anyone willingly choose to marry someone like me? That’s the only explanation I can think of, or maybe, just maybe, this is something I want to believe in, a glimmer of hope amidst the uncertainty.

My father didn’t call me anymore, he was glad he’d be having a stronger group of army now, this marriage was business for him.

But all he’ll do is drink and destroy himself; I don’t want to despise a man who has no hope left in his life, I waited eagerly for Ivy’s call, hoping that he’d say the marriage had been called off, but to no avail.

Empty hopes.

My first night here went by gazing the stars, I admired the beauty of the moon, who doesn’t get affected just like Kai while all the stars were disappearing from the sky. 

From my window, I had a clear view of the main entrance, and I found myself waiting for him to return, although I didn’t have any expectations. Waiting was all I could do.

Even if I were to escape, it would be futile. Not only would I risk losing my father, but their mafia was different from ours. Their surveillance was vigilant even when their leader was absent, unlike the men who were stationed at our door, seemingly paid for doing nothing.

I drifted to sleep, consumed by thoughts of the misery and pathos that awaited me in the days to come. The world seemed dark and foreboding, but I was willing to enter it if it meant seeing a glimmer of light on my father’s face. I believe when I open my eyes, this nightmare will come to an end, I believe, however---

My eyes opened as someone banged on the door and I opened it. A lady walked inside with a huge tray of breakfast in it. “Hello, I’m Nancy.” She humbly lowered herself in a bow before me, and I, feeling a mix of anxiety and uncertainty, reciprocated with a bow of my own, “I’ll be responsible for your food and dresses, I'm the head maid of this house, please feel free to ask me anything.” She maintained a formal demeanor, which made me feel uneasy.

“Uh! Miss. Nancy, do you know where is Mr. Eldorado?” I asked, my voice laced with hope. However, she disappointedly shook her head in response.

“Please get ready after having breakfast, Mr. Gerard Eldorado would be here shortly.” She informed me. Panic set in as she mentioned his father, but soon left the room.

I sat down to eat the yummiest pancakes I had ever tasted, they melted in my mouth, bringing tears of joy to my eyes. This is the only good thing that happened to me in this mansion. Kai eats this sort of food and is still an asshole? I'm stunned.  

After a while she entered my room again as I was sitting in my robe, a bunch of people followed her with so many dresses along with them. 

“Feel free to choose whatever you like,” Nancy muttered with a smile and I stood up selecting them. Options make my mind spin; I can never choose between two things and when there are so many options I feel like fainting. 

“How about we decide?” One of them kindly requested, saving me from the trouble and I quickly accepted. 

“I want a full-length gown with no skin showing in it.” I especially enhanced the word no skin because I know how Kai will tease me otherwise. 

I tried on several dresses, but none of them suited my taste, “I’ll just wear whatever.” I sighed, feeling guilty for dampening their spirits as well. 

“Nancy, Mr. Gerard Eldorado is here.” A girl came running with a pretty long slit dress in her hands but my focus was on the word Gerard Eldorado.

“He brought this dress; Mr. Kai’s grandmother was too ill to travel hence sent this dress to you.” She smiled and handed it over to me. 

I didn’t care if I looked ugly in it but, this was the dress I wanted to wear. As I put it on, I gasped at how perfectly it fit me, hugging my figure like a glove. Standing in front of the mirror, I couldn’t help but admire my own beauty. The off-shoulder design, the thigh slit, and the elegant black color all came together, making my eyes sparkle with delight.

I sat down to have my hair styled in an updo, amazed at how stunning I looked. It was a moment where I couldn’t recall ever feeling this beautiful before.

I'm quite realistic about my looks, to be honest. I have the lightest shade of brown hair imaginable, resembling noodles. They are extremely curly, often making me contemplate chopping them off just to end the daily struggle.

Furthermore, I'm like a dwarf among giants in this household. Standing, at a mere 5’2, I feel dwarfed by my towering father, Ivy and now Kai.

He is exceptionally tall, so tall that I barely reach his shoulder or maybe even his chest. The only redeeming feature I can claim is the light grey hue of my eyes.

So, I don’t actually look good, more like absurdity bottled up making a ‘Dawn Amber Mccoy’.

“Is Mr. Eldorado here yet?” I kept on asking but no one knew where he was. I called him finally getting tired of it but ended up texting him.

ME: Where are you? Am I supposed to marry myself?

UNKNOWN: Someone’s excited, for a marriage that is forced.

His replies were still as grumpy as possible. Only I was doing all the worrying about this unethical engagement. 

ME: Fine, I’ll marry the first man I meet downstairs.

I threw the phone away in panic, he is right, why am I getting so worked up over nothing?

UNKNOWN: Don’t fuck with me

UNKNOWN: I'm coming!!

UNKNOWN: Hey!!

UNKNOWN: Don’t you dare look at another man.

UNKNOWN: Fuck!! Say something.

UNKNOWN: Dawn!!

He sent messages like he’d die if I’ll marry someone else. Bastard, for you, I was becoming restless, growing impatient for no good reason.

ME: Someone’s too desperate for a marriage that is forced.

I placed my phone on the side table as I heard a loud thud and followed the sound by peeping out of the window and saw him getting down from his car.

Desperate fucker.

I taunted while gawking at him from the window. He quickly asked for a shirt from his subordinate and discarded his coat. 

My gaze fixated on the bloodstains adorning his shirt, transforming the once pristine white fabric into a crimson hue. It took him some time to enter my room considering he was taking a shower.

“What happened?” I gripped his hand anxiously as soon as he entered inside. 

“Don’t worry, it was not mine.” His low voice as usual with a hint of arrogance in it. This is what I fear, just like I waited for my father to come back home safely, I’ll be doing the same for him. 

Waiting for him to come back to me unharmed, to remain alive, is the reason I never wanted a man who belongs to this dark realm. It is not blood itself that frightens me, but the sight of blood on those I hold dear.

“Are you worried about me?” He gazed into my eyes, and I could sense the welling of tears within them. I shrugged my shoulder, feigning a nonchalant demeanor. I don’t allow myself to form any unwarranted feelings to this man.

He stood there in silence as if was devouring me with his eyes. “I hate to say it, but you look very pretty,” he smirked biting his own lip.

Pretty? Is that all he has to say? Is that even important? What is he thinking? He extended his hand and placed a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I love to say it, since you don’t look pretty.” I slapped his hand away.

“Handsome baby… I'm handsome, guys don’t look pretty.” He whispered pulling me closer. 

“How many pills of self-obsession did you take?” I snorted, unable to contain my sarcasm.

“Whatever you left for me!” he retorted, his smile unyielding on his face, much to my disdain.

“Let’s go, if you’re done with your gibberish!” The air changed abruptly as we walked down the stairs, his hands in mine, perfectly mimicking the smile of two people in love. 

I wanted to run away from this thing. “Don’t overdo it,” he whispered in my ear, “you’re making it obvious.”

“It’s obvious we don’t love each other.” I say.

“It’s obvious we don’t love each other.” he echoed, confirming my mawkishness.

“It’s obvious.” I sigh.

“That’s because I don’t fall for weak people, it’s just a damned engagement. I'm being forced just as you are.” He kept on saying it like it was all my fault. 

I’m doing this shit just so, I could save whatever bond I have left with my father. I never did I envision that the man I’ll be wedded to would be a mafia, but this world is too self-absorbed to see my yelps of hope.

A tear dropped from my eye in disbelief, our gazes locked, and in that moment, the wicked grin vanished from his face. He swallowed hard, unable to utter a word, and protected me from the prying eyes of onlookers, ensuring they wouldn’t witness my tears.

He was doing this just because of his image, I know it too well. “I---I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were a leaking tap.” Is this how one is supposed to soothe one’s pain? A leaking tap?

“Fuck off.” I muttered and quickly pulled myself back. Heaving a loud frustrated sigh, I walk my way toward his father.

“Mr. Gerard Eldorado, this is Dawn Mc---” my dad tried to introduce me but I cut him off. 

“I'm Dawn Amber… Mr. Eldorado, it’s a pleasure meeting you.” 

My father glared at me in surprise, no, shock. I smiled gently burning all his essence. How greedy I was for his love and he gave me off just like nothing, because of a mere business deal.

Kai placed his hands on my waist, he chuckled as we sat down adjacent to each other. His grin told me I was venting out his anger on my father and I hated it, because he was right.  

Mr. Gerard and my father kept on talking business while Kai and I were silent stealing gaze from each other every now and then, making things awkward for no good reason.

Kai has his own aura, its alluring, and some part of me wished for him to be a common man, not the leader of some mafia.

Nonetheless I can’t forget the true asshole he is, but he is a--- for instance, though he’s just sitting, but the way his back touches the chair, the way his hair falls on his forehead, yet he looks elegant and handsome, despite the blood he had on his hands, I’m talking, I'm thinking too much.

And our gaze met one last time when he became tired of this situation, he heaved an empty sigh and he stood up leaving.

UNKNOWN: Dawn, come upstairs.

I received a text from Kai and left, I thanked him internally for saving me from a huge disaster. I am about to marry this man yet I haven’t saved his name in my contact list, I guess I’ll find the most beautiful one… like jerk, asshole.

I felt someone grabbing my hand and he pulled me close to his body. My eyes went wide at the person standing before me.

“Are you really going to marry him?” Draven uttered.

He whispered in my ear, I tried to push him away. Why is he here? Small beads of sweat appeared on my forehead, Draven is kind, too kind, he is far from being dark.

I haven’ t thought about him since that day, a lot has happened. But if I had a choice, I would want a man with qualities similar to his. However, that’s precisely the dilemma---I don’t possess the right to make choices for myself.

“Yes.” I firmly mutter.

“No, you don’t.” His eyes flickering from surety.

“You don’t know me, so speak for yourself.”

“I know you better than yourself.” My body contacted the wall behind me, I could hear the crowd chattering right in the hall, and this was scary.

Kai would hate a scandal, he would end up going cad. “I have known you for years, we studied together---”

“What? I don’t remember seeing you in our circle.”

“B---because,” he peered down, his tongue licked his lips trying to brush off the uneasiness sitting on his face. “I was scared.” His breath fell on me, his pain too visible, “I really, really wanted to talk but that guy Lucan, he wouldn’t leave you even for a minute.” I sighed at his words.

“I tried to formally ask for your hand, but your father only wanted someone like Kai,” he scratched his head. “I think I'm at my limit, and I'm done being scared.” He panted, “so, let me, let me do something for myself.”

“Too late.” I place my hands on his chest and push him away gently, “too late.” I try to smile.

“It’s never too late.”

“If I had a choice, I would’ve said yes. You are a good guy Draven, but it’s too late I'm afraid.” I keep my calm, my hand fidgeting and his body halted at its place.

“What?” His eyes sparkled, “if I---I had shown some courage, w---would you have been mine?” Regret flowing through his face.

“There’s always a point in our life, where we regret the decision we made, and holding on to those regrets is what causes you pain. So, let go, Mr. Draven.” The look on his face shook my insides, if I had noticed his presence earlier, I wouldn’t be in this situation, would I?

But choosing Draven would also be settling, just to walk away from Kai, I’d end up doing something I haven’t given a thought about.

“What are you even saying. You clearly don’t want to do this.” He grabbed my arm again, jerking it off as if I had been zoned out.

“Life is not about wants but needs.” I grab his hand and moved away. No matter what we do, there’ll always be something we aren’t happy about and would want to go back into the past to change it, “and right now, I need to marry Kai.” A tear rolled down my eye, an uninvited, unforeseen tear.

“I can’t, I love you too much.” He whispered, I couldn’t stop my tears, “Dawn, try to love me.” He managed to stop me but I pushed him with all my might, and started running away not wanting to look at him anymore. 

I bumped into a tall structure, with tears in my eyes. I hate this feeling, I hate it too much as I always stand vulnerable before him.

“What happened?” Kai roared, I shook my head as I rose my head up to look in his ocean blue eyes. He grabbed my hand taking me inside his room. 

“What happened, Dawn?” His voice was comparatively soft and I held our gaze immobile. He wiped the tears off my face, and my bones shivered as I saw his eyes turning red bloodshot from rage. My heart was beating like crazy, ruining the engagement and letting my father down was the last thing I wanted to do today.

He cupped my face in his hands, I sniffled trying to look away, but he forced his gaze into mine.

“Dawn, are you gonna keep crying? Just tell me what happened?” He seemed so desperate, perhaps looking for a name yet his voice was calm probably because he knew I’d shatter if he raises it.

He slowed the rush of emotions inside me and I moved back. “You don’t have to do this, it’s not like we’re actually in love.” 

I was afraid, afraid of a lot of things, and letting him know about Draven was one of them. I don’t want that to happen.

He seemed disturbed, he lifted his brow and his chest rose up as he inhaled my words down his throat. He responded by placing his hands in his pocket, a sign of restraint or containment. His intense gaze remained fixed on me, as if he was trying to decipher my intentions or thoughts.

“Yeah!” he sighed as his eyes blinked once, “but what if someone saw you crying, what if you bumped into someone else?” And he eventually did raise his voice, “they’ll think it’s forced and you’re not happy.” The kind Kai suddenly just vanished. 

“Well, you’re right, because this is forced and I'm not happy.” I yelled back taking it out on him. 

True love is like a dream, a dream that never turns into reality. He is not the true love I want, but I have to live with him for the rest of my life.

He waited for a while letting me finish but I had nothing else to say. Our jagged breaths fell out as I tried to look away from his now red rimmed eyes and he slammed the door leaving outside making my body shiver from the sound. I bet people were staring at him as soon as he left and now, I was too scared to walk out. 

“Dawn,” not long enough someone barged in as I was crying alone with my sorrows, a young beautiful girl in the sexiest dress possible walked at me. 

“I’m Isa.” She chuckled with a beautiful voice, “Kai just left, was he angry?” Of course Kai doesn’t feel a thing towards me, she’s so beautiful, I feel dull in front of her. 

Long sleek black hair, pretty brown eyes, perfect smile, something I don’t have.

“Never mind, he’s always been like this. You know when he was a kid---” She sat beside me but my mind went blank as soon as she mentioned the word ‘kid’. 

“You’ve known him since childhood?” I remember knowing how Kai doesn’t have a sister so, who is she? 

“Of course, we grew up together. I live there… you see. Well, I live here but that’s my house.” She again chuckled loudly pointing out her house from the window.

I gritted my teeth in anger losing all the excitement about this dress. “For how long are you gonna bore her?” I heard another voice. 

“That’s my brother.” A man entered inside, tall and handsome, just like how beautiful Isa is. “He is Kai’s best friend, José.” A chuckle escaped my mouth, “what?” Isa’s eyes didn’t leave it unnoticed.

“Just Kai and friend, doesn’t sit right.” I scratched my head.

“Right? I feel that too.” Isa swirled her hand around my arm, my breath halted in shock. Are we friends already?

“Ahm…” José fixed his throat grabbing our attention and introduced himself while I didn’t know how to act. 

“Partners in sins,” she chuckled, what does that mean?

“Hello, I’m Dawn.” I smiled back and all three of us left downstairs, okay, so these siblings work as a distraction?

The crowd came at me and my eyes began to search for Kai in the crowd. He wasn’t here.

“Where’s Mr. Eldorado?” I queried, still looking around. 

“Dawn, come here.” My father called my name out while I was hating him at the moment. I sat beside him and the projector reeled. 

“What’s going on?” 

 “I don’t know.” He dryly chuckled, and a huge congratulations appeared on the screen. 

My name was followed by Kai’s and many other necessitates. I don’t know what was going on until suddenly there were my photos with Draven. 

About what happened the day before yesterday, when we sat down next to each other, giving off weird vibes, followed by the pictures of today. Where I held his hand just to jerk it off, the crowd gasped looking at me while I was broken into tears. 

The way these pictures were portrayed, it appeared to be me having an affair with Draven, and everyone began to judge me.

I felt my hands quivering, and didn’t dare look up. I couldn’t, it was mortifying to breathe and the air got stuck in my throat.

Mr. Gerard slammed his hand on the table. “Stop with this nonsense,” he yelled at the top of his voice while Isa ran along in attempt to take me away from the crowd. 

“You are not going anywhere.” He skreiched again making my steps halt, “The engagement is off, Mr. Ashton, it’s such a disgrace.” He looked down on me while I was unceasingly crying. 

I kept on looking for Kai who was nowhere to be found, though I'm not sure why I'm looking for him and cried feeling humiliated. 

“You pathetic leech, leave this house immediately.” Mr. Gerard marched in my direction grabbing my hand and I saw myself dragging down the stairs.

Look father, this is the hell you brought upon me.

I looked at him who was considering me dead in his mind already, he didn’t stop Mr. Gerard as I was being dragged and that made my heart bleed from ache I’ve never faced before.

I was his daughter, he could’ve at least showed an emotion called pain on his face.

All my life I begged for his love and even considered marrying a man I know nothing about, and still, all I see in my father’s eyes for me is resentment.

“She won’t go anywhere,” I heard Kai’s voice and his father gripped my hand even tighter. 

“Gerard, if you want our relations to improve even a bit, let go of her.” Kai walked in my direction; he has always been intimidating but now, his face screamed, don’t mess with me. Mr. Gerard loosened his grip and finally let go of my hand. 

“I was never happy with this marriage; do you still want to marry her even when she’s sneaking around with another man?” He yelled at his son. “Your choices have no standards Kai, I'm disappointed to have a son like you.” He stood next to Kai, “I hope you know the consequences of your actions, if you go down, you’ll be taking her with you.” He fixed his throat and moved away.

Kai kept quiet, I knew he didn’t want to marry me, and I shouldn’t expect him to clear this misunderstanding either, however a little support won’t do any harm, would it?

“Dad!!” I bawled in tears; he turned his gaze away and grabbed a bottle of wine from the table. 

“Go wherever you want, don’t come back home anymore.” He walked out feeling humiliated as well and I didn’t know what to do anymore. 

“You’re coming with me.” I kept on crying as Kai grabbed my hand taking me in my room, “I told you not to sneak around, I told you to stay put. Is that why you were crying?” He closed the door, letting the echo of his roar settle in the room.

“Tell me, were you crying because you wanted to marry him?” I rose my head, gaping in his eyes, seething his anger as he stood resolute before me.  “Tell me.” He banged his fist on the door, too rapid for me to notice his movement.

“Yes.” I retort.

“What?” He panted, as if he didn’t expect an answer from me. “So, t---those pictures, you love him?” He walked in my direction, lifting my chin, manifesting his anger through his grip.

“No.” I say, trembling from the voice he let out. “But I want to.” And he tightened his grip even more. “He’s kind, not a mafia and he love---”

“I dare you to complete that sentence.” He pushed me back mercilessly and my body thumped on the bed. “The fucker lurked around you like a stalker and you want to love him?” The disgust in his eyes ate the calm we needed at the moment and I pulled my knees closer to my chest.

“Why do you care? Your father does not want us to marry, why hold me here now?” I roared wiping my tears away, “I get it, okay. All you know is inflicting pain and forcing people, but I am not them. I'm not one of your pets you can order around.”

“Huh? Pain? You’re in pain? You have everything here, I am housing you when your father clearly told me t---” He pointed his finger at me, “just do as I say, there is no reason I should be tolerating your stupidity, do I?” He halted.

“What did he say? What did he say to you?” I stood up running to grab his collar and he held my hands mid-way.

“He said to put a leash on you, shall I do that?” He ironically chuckled hiding his rage, “don’t expect explanations from me, do not expect anything from me at all.” He jerked my hands away, “if one needed love to live, I would’ve died already.” He moved back, “I’ll say it once so listen carefully, there is no such thing called love, the illusion of hope that wants you to keep looking for a better world makes you blind when all that exists is loneliness.”

“Realize the reality of your solitude and become someone you can rely on.” He stood near the door, “you are the strongest when you know there’s no one to back you up. When you know you have nobody but you. Ashton McCoy gave up on you the moment he led you inside Gravity, so stop looking for love in his eyes when all you see is abandonment.” He turned around to leave.

“I don’t want to be strong.” I whisper and his steps halted. “Love exists, just not in your world.”

“Then are you loved in your world?” His sentence made me fall into an abyss of silence, he looked at me for one last time with eyes of pity, probably because our ideologies won’t intersect, just like two parallel lines, he and I would never meet.

“Stay here.” He locked the door from outside leaving me all alone. I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my eyes. This is just too pathetic and I see the world I dreamt of fading away.

I shouldn’t have dreamed in the first place.

Amid the heated argument between Kai and his father, their voice filled the air with thunders and roars. Though I couldn’t make out the exact words, the intensity of their growling was impossible to ignore.

Suddenly, the door swung open, revealing Kai’s father standing in front of me. His steps screamed wrath and determination and he grabbed my hand firmly.

“Leave this mansion, now. You won’t be entertained here anymore” Mr. Eldorado dragged my body out while I had no nerve to fight him. My elbow grazed the ground as he threw me out of the house and left in his car, leaving me somewhere coiled up like waste.

“Dawn?” A large bouquet fell on the ground and I looked upwards to see Ivy running in my direction, “what happened?” He helped me stand up and the emotions I tried to keep in check went outrageous turning into tears.

“It hurts, Ivy… it hurts so much!!” I hugged him tightly losing every ounce of saneness in me and leaked yelps of ache and mortification that I felt.