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Thirty One
v e r n o n
After helping her heal her self-harm wounds in the library, Catherine went back to giving me the cold shoulder. I don’t know what I did wrong. I didn’t even ask her about what triggered her panic attack or self-harm tendencies because I respected her boundaries. I only offered help. Yet after that, she became aloof again that I couldn’t help calculating my past actions.
Our last conversation would so often ring in my ears.
“I’ll ask for it if I need it.” She bid coldly before leaving me in the library.
Since then, we never interacted again for almost a week. I have been skipping most of my classes, like usual. Most days I could not make it to class because I’m too stoned to function.
B
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Euphoria Thirty Two
c a t h e r i n e “Where are you bringing me this time?” I yelled amid the blaring traffic before us. From the train station, we battled the bustling roads of the district and now, we’re still walking, headed somewhere uncertain. Early at 7 in the evening, the bigger part of Jung District, despite its small population, witnesses the usual buzz of a small city--the rush hour, the back and forth of the people, and the high level of dust in the air. “We’re already near.” For the first time, Vernon bothered to stop in his tracks and wait for me. The Spring air blew and the few cherry blossoms that lined up on the road showered their pink petals. Along with that was the rustle of the golden strands on Vernon’s forehead, giving me the ample view of
Euphoria Thirty Three
v e r n o n I watched the momentarily shift of Catherine’s demeanor. She stood before me, completely struck and suddenly absent-minded. It seemed as though she didn’t know how to react to my stupid confession. I wanted to take that as a good thing but the lack of emotion from her now makes me think I should have not said anything. I could barely hear the traffic before us over the heartbeats banging in my chest. In my attempt to fight off the sudden awkwardness, I cleared my throat. “You were asking so—” My words were interrupted. “Yeah. I mean—” she paused awkwardly too. I was ready to talk again until she continued, completely rejecting whiche
Euphoria Thirty Four
c a t h e r i n e The next weekend, I found myself in the same tight dress and voluminous fake scarlet hair. I stood in the chaotic beer and sweat-stained reek of the strip club. The strobe lights are glimmering in neon and dark red along with the deafening party music and cheers. As usual, weekends witness the biggest flock of customers. I may have slowly gotten accustomed to this environment the longer that I worked here but to my eyes, the varied customers that patronize the illegal prostitution in the club never fail to surprise me. You’d see them in different ages, colors, attires, and obviously different socio-economic statuses. It surprises every time high-class men would pay to watch a girl strip before them. The other night, a rich businessman came to hire an escort. The other, a local politician, paid a girl to t
Euphoria Thirty Five
c a t h e r i n e The huge expanse of his chest occupied my vision. Had I not stopped abruptly, I would’ve clashed with him. My lips parted for a protest but his hand quickly landed on my forearm. His force was too strong. Before I could find the courage to look up at his face, he dragged me towards a far corner, leaving the busy tables behind. While panting from our sudden drift, I managed to glance at him. Vernon’s intense glare was immeasurable in the shadows. And although the club is noisy, I could feel the violence of his sporadic breaths. I felt too small under his gaze. I was frozen and tongue-tied, my head’s haywire and my heart a stone, I could not think nor feel anything. The humiliation, the fear, the regret-- all were too immense that I was left with numbness. “What are you d
Euphoria Thirty Six
v e r n o n “Do you still like me?” Her question rang in my ears.I swallowed a bitter bile in my throat. How ironic is that, to ask me as if I’ve ever stopped. As I ever could.“No.” I said, staying eye to eye with the ceiling. My voice, deep and tremulous, almost revealed the unconcealable truth.No. I no longer like her. Like is too shallow a word compared to what I behold for her.“Oh, okay.” Catherine uttered too softly, unconcerned but almost dismayed.I took a sharp inhale. My chest’s a thousand-pound heavy. The atmosphere around is blanketed in intensity that I couldn’t gather my wits. Maybe it’s the sanguine luminescence in the red-dimmed room that is intended to be lusty but instead is waking all of my caged feelings for her. Red with her is not the color of lust nor danger or heat but of intense passion, and god knows how
Euphoria Thirty Seven
v e r n o nWinter vacation in 11th grade, a common friend of mine, Junhoe, hosted a house party. The usual hype and chaos blared in his living room, his random guests were flooding in as the night loomed. It was cold and there was a warning of storm but it did not stop everyone’s thirst for booze, and perhaps some make out session. It’s the first day of vacation which explains everyone’s interest for a last get together.Junhoe was a senior who’s currently in 12th grade. He used to be Mark’s batch mate but since the former enjoyed being in 11th grade too much, he did not accelerate as him. It was also through Mark that we became friends.In his dimmed living room that was illumined by some Christmas lights, I stumbled upon Junhoe, automatically exchanging a fist bump.“Hey! Glad you’re here, Vernon. Beer?” He grabbed one from a nearby bucket which
Euphoria Thirty Eight
c a t h e r i n eThe waiting shed was getting lonesome by the second.From the subway station, I walked my way to the nearby bus stop that leads to Jackson’s neighborhood. He said he’d pick me up here. But time is running fast, and the 5’o clock sun is vanishing, and a few people had passed by me; a few had left the waiting shed too, and now it’s all me—my patience getting smaller and my mind that’s beginning to wander in dangerous solace.From the bus that had stopped and left a new batch of strangers before my eyes, from the distant Daegu sun dying behind the mediocre establishments and the polluted city air passing with time, my eyes saw Vernon—and how he appeared earlier as he left me in the subway station.I couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by his words, under the spring trees before, his gaze of autumn held within them distant melanc
Euphoria Thirty Nine
c a t h e r i n eI woke up from my trance when my phone rang. The memories of an unforgettable past dissipated in the air as I reached for my phone.“Lisa?” I answered.“Hey, where are you?” Lisa’s cheery tone competed with a noisy background.I didn’t get to reply immediately. It almost slipped my mouth that I was meeting with Jackson. I nearly forgot that they did not know about him.“We’re going to a karaoke bar. Come join us. You haven’t gone home, have you?”Pinching my temples, I shut my eyes tight. This is probably the third time this week that I am refusing to hang out with them.“I’m sorry, I went to my academy. I have a class today.”As always, I used the excuse of going to my cram school. I was enrolled in those supplementary classes before but I have stopped going for a year now. Most
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